- Date posted
- 2y
New Here, Want Advice
About 2 weeks ago my best friend of 5 years and I had a falling out and haven’t really spoken to one another since. Context: My intrusive thoughts had been slowly intensifying for months, but I felt that my not OCD-specific CBT every week was adequate means to controlling them. However, I woke up one morning consumed by the fear that the only people who could ever/currently do love me is on the condition that I am quiet about my OCD. My brain is a scary place and I never want to cause harm to someone I care about by exposing them to that. I felt I had it under control until my best friend texted and asked to come over. I told her I was having a hard mental day and just needed to be alone. She was insistent on being present with me in the moment to be supportive, and I knew in that moment that I couldn’t mask what I was feeling. That she would see the most raw and unfiltered version of myself, and that only made me feel more scared. She showed up to my apartment anyway, and because of my friend’s nature, I knew refusing to let her in would only raise more concern with the potential of a wellness check. I didn’t want that, so I let her in. While she was here she asked me multiple times if I could just tell her what I was thinking in hopes she could help. I told her repeatedly didn’t want to talk because what I didn’t feel in control of my thoughts and what I had to say wouldn’t be good. With every ask I could feel the adrenaline in my body and the compulsions getting more intense, until she took out a guided therapy journal and I snapped. I didn’t snap in anger towards her, but just in the frustration of feeling my compulsions getting stronger and ultimately like the rational parts of myself lost control. I told her about my fear of no one loving me despite having OCD and that if anyone saw me at low points like this, they’d be both traumatized and angry with me for traumatizing them. That I am able to have this close friendship with her because in 5 years she had never seen me like this, and that if I continued to unmask my OCD like I was right then, she would no longer want anything to do with me. When I said this she stormed out of my apartment in anger. I texted her and apologized for upsetting her enough to leave and that we could work that out when I was feeling better about my own situation (note that I was crying, shaking, and fighting the built up adrenaline of wanting to cause harm still and wasn’t in the headspace to rationally discuss our interaction). She responded with many paragraphs, saying that I hurt her and she didn’t deserve me thinking that poorly of her as a person. Seeing by how upset she was I tried really hard to pull myself together and make things right with her. I apologized for what I did and clarified that I don’t see her in that negative regard she interpreted. That I instead care about and respect her too much to put her through my mental mess and deserves to have best friends that won’t hurt or blow up on her. That she’s so strong and self-assured that she would see my low points as attempts at manipulation and leave me for someone who doesn’t treat her like that. Because I obviously over-explain it ended up being multiple paragraphs of letting my guard down and trying to make sense of what was happening. Like I said it’s been 2 weeks and she hasn’t spoken to me, and I don’t know what to do. I feel I have said everything I possibly could to make things right. At this point I feel like this whole situation has kinda proved my original fears, too. That if I was open about my OCD and let people see me at my worst, then they would be angry with me and want nothing to do with me. We were each other’s go-to person for 5 years and suddenly one bad day and I’m nothing to her. Oh well :/