After finding out my boyfriend is married for the past 12 years and has 2 kids, I haven’t been eating or sleeping. My entire world just crumbled down. He was a pathological liar who professed deep love to me and wanted to marry me. Over time he became emotionally abusive and psychologically manipulated me where I was obedient to him and was isolated (we were expats in Dubai and when I lost my job I moved to his company accomodation in the outskirts where it is conservative and isolated). I had a mental breakdown which he reacted to with more abuse and sent me home to America temporarily, promising the space will fix our issues and he Skyped me up until a few weeks ago professing his love and doing sexy Skype calls. Randomly he lashed out and said he needs space and he resents me for the past fights. One day I made a new Facebook account to see if he lied about having a Facebook and he lied. He denied it all even when I found his wife’s Facebook. He said she was just s friend. When he realized I got him he then said he doesn’t love me anymore and has someone else. I was manipulated so much I thought he was lying to push me away. Then I found pics of his kids and showed him. He blocked me. After everything I don’t even get an explanation. I messaged his wife and she is divorcing him. After all that social isolation and psychological manipulation I’m back home still looking for work and broke and I think I’ve lost my mind.

Do you have family and friends close by who can help support you, not just emotionally but financially? At least for a little while as you start rebuilding your life?

I’m 26 and live with my parents and grandma. We lost a lot of money after I went to college and they are paying my debts right now as well so we are even struggling to get food money for groceries. Our relatives left us out of inheritance so no one else can help. My parents sold a car so my dad is using mine. I’m pretty much stranded at home.

At least you have a roof over your head and loved ones close by! That’s a tough situation, but I’m glad to hear you have that.

I have friends who hang out sometimes and ones I can call as well. I just can’t help but feel so violated. I feel like I’m looking at a stranger now not my boyfriend of almost a year. Sorry for the details, he would even ask me to get naked on Skype and masturbate for him. Now that I know he’s such a liar and horrible guy who used to seek revenge against me in fights, I’m terrified that I was so vulnerable with him and my body. Again my OCD is kicking in with the fear of being blackmailed or something bad. I’m scared of the man I used to trust and love.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. That’s a very normal and understandable reaction.

I found his ex girlfriend that he lied about. He said she was a flight attendant. She said she found out he was married and chased her everyday after that. He told her today I was just a rebound and he loves her. He messaged me and told me he will give a friend my stuff but he threatened me and said to stop trying to contact him and that if I want war he will start. The ex said he is a real psychopath. He twisted it around and said he tried so many times to break up but I didn’t listen. Instead of actually breaking up he kept going and still professed his love. He is sick and doesn’t want to be alone. He told me once when angry he wish I was dead. Even though he’s a foreigner in another country I have fears now he will retaliate and try and stalk me one day like he is with the other ex girlfriend. I haven’t slept or eaten in days and I just threw up in the bathroom

You should definitely stop contacting him. A clean break is important for your safety and mental health. Focus on grieving what’s been lost and sitting with all of the bad feelings that are coming up because of this. You gotta feel then to get through then and heal. This is probably going to hurt for awhile. But one day you’ll wake up and realize it hurts a little less. And the next a little less. And eventually this will all feel like a far off dream of the past.

Them* not then

Yes I am trying I just can’t help but feel so violated. His final texts to me about giving my friend my leftover stuff to ship to me was cold and he didn’t give me any closure. He turned it around on me and said he let me go a long time ago and told me to break up 20 times but I didn’t listen. It’s as if he thinks his behavior is normal. And to think he was stalking his ex up until today is so frightening to me. He was acting obsessed with me until I lashed out at him and broke his fantasy. Giving him my body and letting him video me sexually (not sure if he has anything with my face but he would have me strip and do things on Skype) makes me want to throw up now. He warned me in final messages don’t keep messaging people and pushing him because if I want war he’s ready. Everyone says he is weak and is just all words but my ocd kicks in thinking he will use media against me or ruin my life. I think other worst case scenarios like he will come to US and kill me one day for ruining his life. He also lied about his age. He told me he is 32 but he is 38 and his passport says 42. He’s one big lie. I was so down I confessed to my mom about his sexual fetishes with me and videos and I am so embarrassed but couldn’t hold the ocd urge because I am so distraught. The ex wants to go to the police and asked if she can use my name to help her case and I was going to say yes but my mom scared me and said she doesn’t want me getting in trouble with an overseas government.

If you’re going to get involved in a legal case overseas, speak to a lawyer first. But don’t contact him. At all. He will not give you closure. He will give you more lies and pain. Of that I am certain. Lean on your mom and resist any urge to reach out to him for any reason. I totally understand every reason you’d want to. But you still need to resist it.

I decided not to get involved since he’s stalking the other ex for so long and is done with me. I had just wanted to help her out. There doesn’t seem to be rights for women in these situation in the Middle East. After the last interaction this morning he has been blocked and he blocked me for good. But the more I learn about the psychology of such individuals my ocd really kicks in and assumes the worst to happen. I’m looking at my once boyfriend as a complete psychopath or narcissist capable of anything because he was a pathological liar. He knew about my ocd and fears of being blackmailed and took complete advantage of me.

I understand this to a VERY SMALL extent. I was once seeing someone who was great and everything was going well. We were only together a month maybe a little more. When all of a sudden he stopped texting and wouldn’t answer my calls. Then see on Facebook about 3 weeks after we “ended things” that he got engaged. Obviously they were together when I was with him. I didn’t have the strength like you did to say something. I felt stupid because I mean I wasn’t even with him long and all of it happened so fast and I just felt dumb. But it was a great thing because it made me more aware of shit heads like all the previous people I was with and now I’m with someone great. And you will be too one day!!