Is There Light?

I feel as though in my childhood it was beautiful pure and light. Mostly joy and peace. Now I feel so drained empty and depressed. I’m 14 and I wish I could go back and avoid all of this. I hide myself in my room away from the world so that people are safe from me. My friends simply don’t get it. And I am starting to get help it’s just I don’t feel normal and I most certainly don’t feel like Landon anymore. I’m so insecure anymore. I hate my body and my face I think I look hideous in pictures and I feel like a burden to my Mom and not because of her because she is the best mom anyone could ever have. She deserves the son who played football and had good grades and was involved and was kind and perfect. Instead she got this, this depressed anxious kid who misses school because of this and isn’t the best at school or inclusive. I have no idea what I want for myself in the future so I’m just living day by day and I hate it. I feel so alone. I feel trapped and I’m scratching and banging the walls for help but nobody can hear me. I just want to sleep. And I want to wake up and this be gone and never happen again. I want a life without this horrible condition. Where I make myself believe I am a threat or a monster or that I like certain things sexually. I will fight until I get Landon back. Landon who is 14 who is happy and spending time with friends and family and smiled and wasn’t hiding in his room away from the world which is beautiful. I know there is so much to experience in life but ocd makes me not want to be here I guess. I feel like all I do is Wake Up, Take Meds, School, Home, Eat, Maybe a breakdown, Sleep, or not sleep. I just want to be free. I feel like a person with a boulder attached to their feet and thrown in water. I’m drowning and I know one day I’ll feel the air again. I know it takes time but I’m so envious of other teenagers who can just live. I miss being a kid before all of this all of the color and life and beauty I want it back. Maybe one day I will. Idk anymore thx for reading sorry if I bombarded you with everything lol

Username: DoubleBDoubleB

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you for sharing Landon. You are doing the right thing and know that you are not alone. It sounds like you have an amazing family and have some really great interests in school and sports. This will get better because you have already taken huge steps forward! Sending good wishes!

Username: Maddie811Maddie811

Date posted: 1y ago

I cried reading this Landon not because you are a burden but because I am in an episode where I feel the same way and I am 22, I can’t imagine going through this at 14. It’s not fair that this beautiful part of your life is being taken from you by your ocd. I’ve been thinking about wanting to go back to my beautiful life before this lately too. I have hope that we will get better and this will all just be a time we look bad and feel empathy for ourselves that we had to experience such darkness.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Landon. I think you will have so much more to offer now that you know what it is to suffer. You will be more empathetic. You see the beauty of life. Not everyone does! You love your mom so much. You are very sweet and kind. I suffer snd so does my som who plays football also. Your post made me feel l as alone so thank you. My son has said to me, “Mom you are have a great effect on more people than everyone in our family. You know the same is true for him. The best thing to do is keep busy and social. Use those gifts that God gave you that I see. And keep on being the wonderful, loving son you are. Your mom needs you.

Username: JennyjennyJennyjenny

Date posted: 1y ago

Wow Beautiful thank you so much for sharing I can relate I'm 54 and struggled since a little girl somedays are better, then others,I have hope in God 🙏 don't give up.... we are human

Username: Givingitmyall Givingitmyall

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I read this and feel like you are lucky! I felt like that when I was your age but I didn’t know what it was and I was a long long way from getting help for it. You can (and will) get control of this while you are still young and that is amazing! Just trust that you are going to have a better life and be a better person for having gone through this.

Username: Tee10Tee10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

You will be ok. Thank you for sharing, Landon. I have faith in you.

Username: Thunder_cloud

Date posted: 1y ago

OCD recovery- mixed emotions

So I’ve been getting treatment for about 3 months now and it’s been slowly starting to work I think and days are slowly getting easier. There are still plenty of bad days and days where I just feel completely defeated but I’m gradually learning how to deal with these emotions. Part of me is really relieved and excited as OCD was absolutely awful and the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. It held me back from so many things and I felt so trapped and I never imagined I’d be in so much agonising discomfort everyday. However part of me is also really uneasy as OCD is what I’ve known for so many years and I don’t know life without it. It’s almost unsettling integrating back into the ‘normal’ way of life as part of me doesn’t know where to start and I feel like I lack foundation if that makes sense as I have been unable to do so much for so long. I’m also finishing school soon which makes things even harder as I don’t know what comes next, or who or what I’ll become and do with my life. I guess my question is, is life beyond OCD worth it and is it worth climbing out of this hell hole? I also know that I’ll probably always have OCD and there may always be bad days but it’s just becoming less disabling and time consuming which is so exciting but sort of terrifying at the same time. I also am worried that I’ll live a boring and miserable life because at least dealing with OCD left me with something and made life more interesting, much more painful but It almost became my identity. But I guess there has to be something more beyond this life I’m living. Sorry this is long.

Username: golddustwoman22

Date posted: 1y ago

When will I be okay again?

Currently crying right now after my shift at work. OCD is transitioning myself into someone I don’t want to be, yet I’m afraid to not have it in my life because when things are feeling okay, it doesn’t feel right, even when I should crave it more than anything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel life won’t go my way or I don’t see myself being in a good place. I just see myself losing everything I love and care about because either ocd has caused me to distance myself from those things or others just decide to separate themselves from me. At the end of the day, I’m going to end up alone and miserable, and I don’t know why I’m okay with that, but I am. I’m so frustrated with myself and conflicted. Fuck this. I have so much more life ahead of me and I fucken feel stuck and crippled bc of ocd. A 21 year old shouldn’t have to go through this. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANYTHING NEGATIVE OR HARMFUL. I’m tired of all the bad. I want more good… I want to be better… I want to be me again. I want to love life, others and myself again.

Username: richardmilly...

Date posted: 49w ago

Im just surviving atp

Ive gotten over some bad ocd episodes that have lasted months and months and i was so so happy when i realized it was achievable to overcome such an illness,but this time around it feels different i thought i had gone through everything but no theres always more,theres always the next intrusive thought,my intrusive thought this time that got me back in the dark ocd hole was,”what if i just stopped thinking”,it sounds so stupid and i didnt pay it much mind at first but then it popped back into my head and it told me “but what if everytime im about to think about something,i realize it and stop thinking about what i was thinking about.”this has made me feel so alienated in life,life feels grey and dull ive never had a thought stick around for so long its been 3 months and i havent heard anyone have anything similar too this i wake up every day scared of whag else my mind can bring to me to torment me and its so depressing in here.i cry a lot now thinking about the old me i used to be when i was happy and ocd free but I genuinely dont think i can live like this for long.Sorry for writing a whole essay but its the only way i could express what im feeling right now plz say something below.

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Is There Light?

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