- Username
- landonw
- Date posted
- 1y ago
Is there hope for me to find joy and be happy again as a teenager?
Is There Light?
I feel as though in my childhood it was beautiful pure and light. Mostly joy and peace. Now I feel so drained empty and depressed. I’m 14 and I wish I could go back and avoid all of this. I hide myself in my room away from the world so that people are safe from me. My friends simply don’t get it. And I am starting to get help it’s just I don’t feel normal and I most certainly don’t feel like Landon anymore. I’m so insecure anymore. I hate my body and my face I think I look hideous in pictures and I feel like a burden to my Mom and not because of her because she is the best mom anyone could ever have. She deserves the son who played football and had good grades and was involved and was kind and perfect. Instead she got this, this depressed anxious kid who misses school because of this and isn’t the best at school or inclusive. I have no idea what I want for myself in the future so I’m just living day by day and I hate it. I feel so alone. I feel trapped and I’m scratching and banging the walls for help but nobody can hear me. I just want to sleep. And I want to wake up and this be gone and never happen again. I want a life without this horrible condition. Where I make myself believe I am a threat or a monster or that I like certain things sexually. I will fight until I get Landon back. Landon who is 14 who is happy and spending time with friends and family and smiled and wasn’t hiding in his room away from the world which is beautiful. I know there is so much to experience in life but ocd makes me not want to be here I guess. I feel like all I do is Wake Up, Take Meds, School, Home, Eat, Maybe a breakdown, Sleep, or not sleep. I just want to be free. I feel like a person with a boulder attached to their feet and thrown in water. I’m drowning and I know one day I’ll feel the air again. I know it takes time but I’m so envious of other teenagers who can just live. I miss being a kid before all of this all of the color and life and beauty I want it back. Maybe one day I will. Idk anymore thx for reading sorry if I bombarded you with everything lol