“What if I don’t have OCD at all, and I’m just in denial?” Read this: https://ocdla.com/doubt-denial-ocd-5342 An excerpt: “Many people are under the misguided belief that all thoughts have important underlying meanings. Those who struggle with the thought, “What if I am in denial and don’t really have OCD at all?” might believe that this thought represents some underlying truth trying to break through from their unconscious. But the truth is that the vast majority of our thoughts are not intrinsically important. The human brain generates an endless stream of thoughts, including some that are deeply bizarre and unnerving. Does it mean anything that I just considered sticking a banana up my nose? Some would have you believe that this represents some inner urge, or has some secret meaning that needs to be ferreted out. We would posit that this thought, like so many of its brethren, is merely an odd byproduct of being a human being with a functioning brain. Some people with OCD worry that accepting their diagnosis is somehow a “cop out”. This is particularly noteworthy as, in order for this to be true, an individual would have to mimic an extensive set of OCD symptoms of which they were previously unaware. Similarly, many people with OCD fret, “What if ‘deep down’ I know that this is my reality and I’m refusing to accept it?” We wonder where this “deep down” place is located, and would argue that it does not exist. One either knows something or does not.”

That’s kinda my question. All my thoughts feel so realistic and so now I doubt if they are ocd and if I just can’t make my mind up about something and I’m using ocd as an excuse or something idc I feel like this post is word vomit.

Looking back, I realize I’ve had OCD since I was 7. though I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 30. As a kid, I was consumed by fears I couldn’t explain: "What if God isn’t real? What happens when we die? How do I know I’m real?" These existential thoughts terrified me, and while everyone has them from time to time, I felt like they were consuming my life. By 12, I was having daily panic attacks about death and war, feeling untethered from reality as depersonalization and derealization set in. At 15, I turned to drinking, spending the next 15 years drunk, trying to escape my mind. I hated myself, struggled with my body, and my intrusive thoughts. Sobriety forced me to face it all head-on. In May 2022, I finally learned I had OCD. I remember the exact date: May 10th. Reading about it, I thought, "Oh my God, this is it. This explains everything." My main themes were existential OCD and self-harm intrusive thoughts. The self-harm fears were the hardest: "What if I kill myself? What if I lose control?" These thoughts terrified me because I didn’t want to die. ERP changed everything. At first, I thought, "You want me to confront my worst fears? Are you kidding me?" But ERP is gradual and done at your pace. My therapist taught me to lean into uncertainty instead of fighting it. She’d say, "Maybe you’ll kill yourself—who knows?" At first, it felt scary, but for OCD, it was freeing. Slowly, I realized my thoughts were just thoughts. ERP gave me my life back. I’m working again, I’m sober, and for the first time, I can imagine a future. If you’re scared to try ERP, I get it. But if you’re already living in fear, why not try a set of tools that can give you hope?

There’s something that happens that keeps me stuck in a thought, it’s when I can see some part of myself agreeing with or relating to it in some way. That’s when the doubt creeps in. If I can understand *why* the thought is there, doesn’t that mean it’s not just random? Doesn’t that mean it actually reflects something about me? For example **(TMI/TW)**: I had the thought, *“I wonder what other people’s kinks are (including friends, family, even teenagers).”* And then I caught myself thinking, *“Well, I guess that could be interesting information… maybe I wouldn’t even stop someone from sharing it with me. Does that mean I actually want to know? Wait—does that make me perverted or incestuous for even having this curiosity?”* The same thing has happened with other thoughts, like wondering what someone’s privates might look like. I recognize that, on some level, that could be interesting—but does that mean the thought is truly mine? Maybe the answer is super obvious and I just can’t see through my OCD smoke. This was a bit embarrassing for me to write 🥲, but can anyone provide some insight?