stranger

Date posted: 2y

Hard Day

Please take the time to read this. I just desperately need support. Not reassurance. But someone to listen and understand. I haven’t been on this app in a good amount of time. I think I’m doing better. Thoughts still pop up as well as all the worries but I still continue to go on with my days. Sometimes it feels selfish to not break down and just give up. Like I don’t deserve to be happy because of who I worry I am. I ignore that though. I think it and then I move on. It still hurts just as much. But I’ve gotten better at not allowing it to stop me from doing things. But today is hard. I was on tik tok and a video came up about this guy who came across a disturbing website with children. He was crying as he said he reported it all to the authorities and that he needs a break from trying to take down these people because it’s bringing a lot of negativity into his life. I then started to question myself for the millionth time if I would ever do something like that, or if I wanted to. And sometimes I don’t know the answer. Which makes me worry and feel so disgusting for not knowing. Like how do I not know if I would or ever want to hurt someone? Or how do I not know if I would like those things? It makes me feel crazy and like I don’t even know who I am. I’ve lost touch with my identity. I’ve fought extreme suicidal thoughts for the past 5 months. And they simmered down these past 3 weeks but as of right now they’re making their way back in. And I’m struggling to find a reason to not give in. I’m upset with God for possibly making me this monster and I question as to why he hasn’t helped me or made me good. Do I want to do bad things? I don’t know. And that’s the most worrying thing ever. I see people on here saying oh I know I don’t want to do these things it’s just the intrusive thoughts keep popping up. And I despise myself for not being able to say I for sure don’t want to hurt people. How dare I say I have OCD when I’m not even sure of that either. I’m probably just making a bad reputation for people with actual OCD. I’m not looking for reassurance. I’m just sharing how I’m feeling and thinking. I know nothing will give me that clarity. I’m just filled with shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. I feel abandoned by God.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I read this and feel for you. I’m not going to reassure you but I just want you to know that this pattern is familiar to so many of us on here. We don’t share the same theme but the thought loops are the same. Every day you don’t give in is a blessing, friend. And as someone outside of the loop, but still in recovery, I can say: it can get better ❤️‍🩹

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Thank you so much for the feedback. I take some comfort knowing I’m not alone in this. And there are people who struggle the same way I do.

girlanon

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Bad people don't worry about doing bad things. The fact that you're this worried about it tells me all I need to know about the kind of person you are ❤️

Anonymous150

Date posted: 2y

Trying not to reassure you but the fact that you are so worried is enough for me to know that you are not who you fear you are. Thought loops are very similar to so many of us. God bless.

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous150 Thank you. I appreciate your feedback.

RandomOCDGuy

Date posted: 2y

If you believe God is all knowing and powerful then he knows you have OCD. Like that person said he knows your true motives. YOU HAVE A MENTAL CONDITION. So give yourself a break.

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@Winchester2004 Thank you. I’ll do my best.

Anonymous515

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Keep praying, God will answer your prayers and knows that what is in your mind does not equate to what you feel in your heart and your soul. Praying for you. Keep going.

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous515 Thank you so much!

MoonIce

Date posted: 2y

i know exactly what you are saying, it’s really hard to handle it and just remind yourself that you are not alone in this and i am here hoping it will get better for all of us (btw my mind is telling me that i’m lying right now as always)

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@MoonIce I hope the best for you as well

ivrec

Date posted: 2y

I too have been mad at God for suffering with ocd. When I have bad days I tell God I need his help and to give me wisdom to deal with ocd. So often we treat anything that effects us mentally differently from other physical conditions. I guess what I am saying is you are not alone and ocd will do anything to make you doubt yourself.

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@ivrec Thank you for your feedback! I appreciate it.

mikegrilli

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I relate so much, especially with the questioning whether I even have ocd at all. I’m in erp right now, and the thought comes up every session. Seems to be holding me back a bit.

Krome_da

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w

Pretty Tough Morning

So I’m not sure how many/if any of you are Christians, but I’m assuming this can still make sense to some of you. This morning has been rough. I’m constantly thinking, “am I saved? Have I never been saved and I’m tricking myself into thinking I am? When I’m listening to Christian music am I doing for the right reasons? Is it too late for me?”. Things I know the truthful answers to but yet I still think these thoughts. I don’t understand why. Why do I constantly think about these “what if”’s? My heart always feels so heavy and I feel as if I need to talk to God right then and there to make it stop and go away. But then am I talking to the Lord for the wrong reasons? And the cycle repeats. Thankfully, day one of my therapy is tonight and I’m hoping to find at least a little clarity on this stuff. I’ve had OCD for 7 years and I don’t even know how it works. Any advice?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 15w

I’m having a really rough day

Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing pleasure with my intrusive thoughts. Like I just keep thinking them over and over, or even making them worse, because maybe deep down I *want* them. And that’s honestly scary. It feels like I’m trying to prove I’m a bad person or even a p*dophile just to see if I feel disturbed enough for it to count as “real distress.” But sometimes, I don’t even feel that bad. Sometimes it’s just… nothing. Because if I don’t feel guilty or sick enough, doesn’t that mean I like it? That I want to keep thinking about it? Sometimes it feels like I like it. And that’s when I spiral the hardest. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually chasing pleasure. Maybe I’m just chasing certainty. This desperate need to feel bad enough to prove to myself I’m a good person. And when I don’t feel that level of distress, I panic. I do compulsions, just trying to force that feeling. But it never feels “right.” It never feels enough. And I get stuck in this loop of testing, checking, pretending to be okay with these awful thoughts just to see how I’ll react. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And it makes me question everything about myself. But I think I don’t actually want these thoughts. Maybe I just want to know, with 100% certainty, that I don’t. If you’re stuck in the same cycle, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not your thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay.

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