If you have ROCD read this.

Hi everyone, I’ve been meaning to write this for some time now, but kept looking for the “right time”. I suffer from relationship OCD (ROCD). I met my current partner about 3 years ago. We immediately had a connection and there was something different about him compared to my prior relationships. However, I didn’t feel the butterflies. I didn’t feel like I was on top of the world. And that’s when it started: ROCD. From as early as our second date, I remember thinking “am I attracted to him?” “Am I just with him cuz he meets all the criteria?” “Do I even like him”. A few intrusive thoughts turned into constant rumination, crippling anxiety and most importantly, fear. I constantly obsessed about whether he was the one, whether I really liked him, etc. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I started going to talk therapy where I would feel some relief after my session which was followed by an even stronger wave of anxiety. I would seek reassurance from friend after friend, my mom, my brother. In fact, I even had a hierarchy in my head of which person I went to for reassurance based on the level of anxiety I was feeling. I contemplated breaking up numerous times. My therapist once told me “why don’t you just take a break from the relationship?” And I nearly passed out from the panic and anxiety (this therapist was evidently not OCD trained and never thought it was odd that for 6 months straight the only thing I ever talked about was my relationship and the “rightness” of it). I compulsively googled things like “how to know if someone is the one”. I even started taking medication. I truly had no idea what was going on. Mind you, I am a doctor, board certified in internal medicine. And I did everything I could to diagnose myself, but I was clearly unsuccessful. My MD was of no help. Then, I opened up to a friend of mine who suffers from OCD (a different theme) herself, and she put it together. She told me to stop compulsively googling all the things I already had been, but to google ROCD. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I felt a huge sense of relief. I was not crazy and most impotently, I wasn’t alone. I signed up for a therapist with NOCD. I started therapy with an OCD trained therapist (Taylor Newendorp, he’s amazing btw). I practiced ERP diligently. Did I have days when I fell back in the traps of ROCD? Heck yeah. At first I did ERP via intentional exercises I was given by my therapist. However, the most effective and HARDEST ERP is doing it with real life situations. You can write out scenarios and sit with the anxiety it causes all you want, but the true moments of ERP are when you are faced with a real life scenario and you feel that jolt of anxiety. For example, I had been doing intentional ERP exercises for several weeks and making progress. One day, when my partner and I were just watching TV, a character on the show we were watching said “true love just clicks. It doesn’t feel complicated or scary”. I immediately felt like I was going to throw up. I felt 10/10 anxiety and that I had to break up right then. I remember thinking that I had been working so hard then why do I still feel this anxiety? But in that moment, I took a step back and said to myself “yup. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. Maybe I’m in not in love. Maybe I am” and then I continued watching the show. The anxiety stayed for a long, long time. But I did everything in my power to not give in and talk about it as I always did with my partner. Or start ruminating. I let it sit there and I let myself feel the anxiety. It sucked, ALOT. But over time as I did that over and over and over again with every real life situation, I got better at it. I got better at leaving the thought alone. I got better at not seeking reassurance, ruminating, googling, confessing, checking, comparing. Fast forward three years, I just got married 2 weeks ago to the same guy! The guy who I was convinced wasn’t the one. Did I ever “figure out” the answer to whether he WAS the one? Nope. And I’ll probably never know because there is literally no way to know that for sure. Did I get my answers to all the other million intrusive thoughts? Nope. Do I still have days with those thoughts? Yep, but they don’t bother me as much. Learning to manage my ROCD has been the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life and this is coming from someone who went to medical school and pronounces people dead very frequently. But I’m here to tell you that you can get through it. It is hard as hell, but it’s doable. I promise you that I felt every emotion, physical sensation and had every thought you may have had. But you can do it. I really didn’t think I would ever get out of it, but I did. And I’m so proud of myself for it. I will never know if my husband is “the one” based on some unknown number of factors, but he is the one that I choose for me. Today, our relationship is much stronger and deeper than it would have been had we not dealt with ROCD together. This experience has been so difficult, but ultimately I’m grateful for it as it has opened me up to a love I didn’t know could exist. To anyone who may need help/support, feel free to message me. I am in no way a therapist and cannot provide what those employed by NOCD do, but can definitely provide support and compassion. You are not alone. Please get help from a trained OCD specialist. OCD does not have to be a life sentence.

After dealing with ROCD for over two years, here are some things that helped me with my recovery. 1. Exposure therapy When I would be anxious to kiss my boyfriend, would do it anyway, and this goes for anything that you're anxious about...just do it, the fear will subside, and you'll realize that you're mind was just making a big deal out of it. 2. Cognitive reconstructing. This is pretty much just an exercise that helps you rewire your brain, for example, a lot of people with OCD have a cognitive distortion of perfection, I used to have an obsession about my boyfriend having a little fat on his belly, then I realized that everyone's gonna have a little fat on their belly, it's extremely rare for someone to have zero fat on their belly... I would suggest looking up all the different kinds of cognitive distortions and work on corrected them. Another example would be getting anxious because you found someone else attractive, I had to tell my brain that it's normal to find other people attractive, as long as you're not acting out on the attraction and choosing to stay faithful. 3. Getting to the root of ROCD Most people (if not all) with ROCD don't develop it until they get into a real, loving, committed relationship. It rarely comes when you're not taking someone seriously or when they're not taking yo seriously. What does this tell you? It tells you that ROCD is your brains defense mechanism to keep you from being vulnerable and keep you from getting hurt. The truth is most people with ROCD are afraid of commitment, and this is usually something that's subconscious. 4. Being immature in love, or not knowing what real love is. Usually people with ROCD do not have a good definition of what love is, love is a choice... And I know some people get anxious when you say that love is a choice because they think "what if I don't choose my partner" but the truth is, you can choose, over and over and over. The idea that love is a feeling is what has gotten us in this trap in the first place, love is so much more than a feeling, it is a daily choice. Part of this immaturity also comes from movies and social media, movies that always tell us to go for the most beautiful person in the room, or movies that always tell you, that you always need to have a spark, sparks are not real, chemistry is not real either, I know that “chemistry” is a common trigger word tor people with ROCD, because they wonder if they have chemistry with their current partner...The truth is when you're in a relationship and you're planning to marry or be serious all that matters is that you share the same morals, belief systems, and values...and have mutual respect, and loyalty for one another. If we keep chasing the euphoria (honeymoon phase) that comes when you first get into a relationship, will always be single, always be breaking up with people, and getting with new people to feel the euphoria again, not knowing that this feeling does not last... euphoria is meant to get two people together, so you can have something greater. And real love (love that involves choosing, and not a feeling) is so much better than the euphoric high when you first get with someone, allow yourself to mature in real love. Old people don't have that exciting honeymoon feeling anymore, they stayed married because they chose each other every day, that's real authentic love. 5. Meant to be mindset, or soulmate mindset. The concept of being "meant to be" does not exist, neither does soulmates... You get with someone and you make a decision...trust that you made the right one (non-abusive relationship, no constant cheating, no harsh disrespect, common morals and values). The truth is, you get with someone and you make them your soul mate, you make them your “one” it’s all a choice, all this fancy terms come from movies. Real love requires nurture, and care…learning about each other so you can become better suited for one another over time…expecting to have everything you could ever want in a person is unrealistic, that develops overtime. You create your “one” 6. Calling out OCD on its BS! You need to know that ROCD wants you to remain single, it wants you to keep breaking up with people till you find someone “perfect” which doesn’t exist. For example, if you have the intrusive thought “that guy looks better than my bf, maybe I shouldn’t be with my bf and I should be with him, maybe I’m making a mistake being with my bf” you have to know that if you were to listen to the thought, you’d get with a better looking guy, and then leave that guy for the next good looking guy. It doesn’t make sense, you’ll be alone, and that’s what your brain wants. 7. You are not your thoughts This is crucial for recovery, remember that these thoughts aren’t real, the feelings that come from the thoughts aren’t real either. The thoughts say absolutely nothing about you. An intrusive thought is like a plane that landed in the wrong airport, you don’t inspect it or pick it apart or dwell on it, you just simply send it away! Same for the thoughts, they may land like birds but don’t let them form a nest. I say all this to say…don’t give up!! The man I referred to as my “bf” is now my husband. There is hope!!! I was so afraid to get married but I took the risk, love is a risk and you’ll never “know for sure” if you should be with someone, you take a leap of faith and trust your judgment…I’m so glad I did, my anxiety has greatly reduced after marrying him and I’m so happy and in love with him.

I’ve been in my relationship for almost 9 years and I’ve been married to him for one year. I love him so much, he is such a great man so patient and caring and kind. And I’m very lucky to have him honestly I feel like it’s really hard for people to find someone they love so much they are willing to do anything for that person even though they may get on your nerves sometimes. But unfortunately I’ve been experiencing rocd I’ve been doubting how I really feel about him, if I actually love him, if I love him “enough” rather I want to be with him, I’ve been questioning what if I end up liking someone else? What if I do like someone else? What if he isn’t enough? What if that’s why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling? Feeling guilty at the same time because I feel like he deserves the world, and I feel like I’m letting him down (although he has been super supportive) I feel like I’m not giving him what he deserves. And it’s been an ongoing anxious feeling like a ball of fear in my stomach crying asking god why, having panic attacks and constantly fearing the worst possible outcome. All I want is to be able to be happy again and sit with him and live our lives happily and forget that this ever happened but it feels impossible. It’s like I know I love him and that I want to be with him but I can’t get these thoughts to go away. And the thought of “you’ve been with him for so long if it was actually ocd this would’ve happened awhile ago” keep getting to me or feeling like what if it’s not ocd? What if this is actually how I feel and if it is then how can I move forward with him? I don’t like talking about how I feel much besides to him and my closest friends, and it’s really hard for me to fully open up but I want to be able to share how I’ve been feeling so that maybe someone on here can feel not so alone. Everything I look up for rocd it happens a lot earlier within the relationship and everyone has their version of it. And it’s hard to find people that just start experiencing it way later in their relationship so I really do hope that someone that is going through the same thing sees this and just knows their not alone and I really hope I don’t trigger anyone else. This is something that is awful dealing with it’s like living in your personal hell. It’s by far one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with, I’ve been feeling so exhausted and drained today. I’ve been very sad and just very gloomy today (I also deal with depression) and I have tried everything to make me feel better but it’s just one of those days. Everyone stay safe and you’re not alone, I really hope that each of you overcome your ocd for the better.