Please help. Harm OCD

Hello there. So I have harm OCD thoughts about hurting people in general, but they started out as targeted toward my mom, whom I love with all my heart and have a great relationship with. I was starting to feel better after months of struggling, the anxiety associated with the thoughts has lessened. However, the fact the anxiety isn’t as present is freaking me out. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that my meds and ERP are working or if I am becoming okay with the notion of killing people. I keep freaking out because the thoughts about my mom have returned and are really detailed scenarios in which I kill my mom. I don’t want to hurt my anyone, let alone my mom. But every time I tell myself I know i don’t want to do these things, it’s always followed up with, “What if I do want to?” Sometimes my thoughts will even say I want to. But I don’t, but these thoughts come in anyway and I question if I want to no matter how many times I say, “I don’t want to hurt anyone ever.” “What if I’m in denial?” “What if I’m planning?” “Why isn’t there more anxiety like before?” “Am I purposely having these thoughts or are these automatic?” I’m getting really bad suicidal ideations from this because I’m so scared that it is not ocd and I need to take myself out of the equation before I hurt someone. I can’t not say to myself, “I don’t want to hurt anyone ever” because I feel like if I don’t , I’ll suddenly become murderous. I’ve never hurt anyone, I consider myself to be a kind and gentle person, but these thoughts are making me question every aspect of myself. I appreciate any insight anyone may have. I understand this may be triggering to read.

Anonymous 567

Date posted: 2y

I feel this too. First started 5 yrs ago with my husband and my pets. now my son. All things I love with all my heart. And I’ll say in my head that I’ll kill my self before I let myself hurt anyone. Then I get scared that I want to off myself, which I don’t. I love my life apart from the ocd and anxiety. But yes, Everything you said exactly. I say the same things to myself.

MossMate

Date posted: 2y

I used to have the same exact thought pattern in regards to harm OCD. I would try to make myself nervous and afraid of a thought to make sure I would never commit that act, but it made it actually stick around in my head longer. I would worry if I wasn’t sickened by it then I wanted to do it so I made myself stay in a constant state of anguish. It sounds like you’re doing that now. It’s really hard to come out of, but it’s possible. Remember to think that the OCD thought don’t go away we just learn how to cope with them better. Making sure you’re exposing yourself to your Mom even when you’re afraid. You’ll eventually forget the feelings associated with the thought and you’ll think of it less. Thinking, feeling less towards a thought doesn’t make you anymore inclined to do something and vice versa when you know who you are and what you believe in and that you love these people. Remind yourself of your kind soul, remember it’s just thoughts, just feelings, but you aren’t your thoughts or your emotions you are more.

Thanks for t...

Date posted: 2y

@MossMate Thank you all for commenting. That’s why I love this app, the community, I appreciate your insights:)

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@MossMate reading this has lifted a weight off my shoulders fr. i kinda grasped the whole “if i’m not feeling scared that means i’ll do it” concept and your message to the person above really helped me. thank you❤️

MossMate

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous That makes me so glad! I’ve been in therapy for a long time and that’s one of the things she’s tried to really teach me is that we are not our feelings, we have them, but we are not them :)

Ariyah

Date posted: 2y

this is exactly what im going through. it’s torture. im literally afraid to go near my mom in fear that ill hurt her. shes my biggest supporter. i feel horrible i put her through the stuff i do because of my harm ocd.

MossMate

Date posted: 2y

@Ariyah I did the exact same thing with my Mom, she was helpful and amazing - What really helped me was learning so many people struggle with this, and nearly everyone has thought what you’ve thought, but bc of OCD you’re getting stuck on it and it’s looping around that’s all it is - It’s OCD not you!

Ariyah

Date posted: 2y

@MossMate thank you so much ❤️

BiancaIsGrowing

Date posted: 19w

Omg! THIS post has helped me so much. Thank you all, just knowing I'm not along helps with feeling the guilt,shame and self hate I have towards myself right now

Ericseal18

Date posted: 25w

Harm OCD

what is the obsessive thought to “kill mom” around still. It was here for a month then went away for a few months. Now it’s back and feels like it’s not going away.

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

Thejollygian...

Date posted: 23w

My Harm OCD

Basically long story short, ive been dealing with anxiety for a very long time all my life I'm 23 now but about 5 months ago my anxiety started to get really and I overthink a ton and get worried to easily. So my chest hurt for a while from stress at work made me worry why it was hurting, then me worrying and thinking worse case scenarios was making it worse. So i and to go to the doctor and got diagnosed properly with anxiety and I have a med now that I take when I really need it called hydroxyzine but I also have another med that is Zoloft that I have been taking for a about a month now, to help with my intrusive thoughts I have sometimes i only get them when im stressed or when I'm by myself or when i just overthink in general, my loneliness depression is one of the reasons for my anxiety because I wish I had someone as in partner wise to love me and for me to love them. But anyways I've had intrusive thoughts about possibly hurting myself and family, or even my dog. Ive never acted on any of my thoughts in the past and I don't want to but I have had anxiety attacks when everything feels to real and really scares me. I constantly have the thought of am I crazy or am I becoming crazy and stuff and I've done a lot of looking stuff in the past about symptoms but most of them are identical to what anxiety is so it's hard to tell the difference. It's been probably 2 weeks since we last talked. I've been mostly doing good. But I just was wondering if had a little Harm OCD intrusive thought happen yesterday that targeted my Aunt at work she was complaining all day and when it got closer to the end of the shifts for us. I was already annoyed with a situation that happened earlier in the work day. But she came into my department and then went back over to hers and I said it out loud to myself and said you better get back over there or I'll, I tried to say something else because the word I was going to say was kill you. Obviously I don't but that's what my intrusive thought wanted me to say. And made me think thats why i got to hurt her to stop her complaing So the rest of the night I was saying she is safe I am safe I'm control, like this is just anxiety lying to you, it's just because I'm tired and got annoyed earlier. I can't tell if it was working or not because I was so tired and just wanted to go home. But after work her and I spent time together at our house she was on the one couch and I was on the other with a bunch of our dogs in the living room. I tried to keep my mind off of what happened, and I was fighting some stomach achyness already. But I obviously don't want to hurt her and we had conversations just fine. But I went to my other aunt house at night after work to go to bed because she has to watch my aunts dogs because my other aunt and family is on vacation. But anyways I'm trying to get over that word Kill, that word is what is scarring me and sticking. Like my anxiety is lying saying kill, or basically do harm. I don't want to do anything bad but I'm trying to shake that feeling and stickiness of that word. I'm just so scared and worried.

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