I am so sorry you’re struggling. I have been where you are. Many years ago, I actually had a doctor tell me I may have an STD and I should “keep an eye on it.” At that point, I had not been diagnosed with OCD, and the checking started. Hours and hours. I went to another doctor who told me it was fine and she had no idea why another doctor would say what he said. Still, I didn’t feel “certain.” The reason I’m telling you this is I checked for 30 years and it was debilitating. Of course, after many years, I no longer worried about the STD, but obsessions and compulsions continued around many other health related obsessions. My life was entirely obsessions and compulsions. I didn’t know why I would stand in front of a mirror for hours checking a mole, or reading about symptoms of a disease, I knew there was something mentally wrong, I would spend hours, walk away from whatever I was checking, have a doubt and then have to start all over again. I engaged whoever was around me to reassure me. I would write down what I checked, have my husband sign it, then when I had a doubt, I would look at that paper. I visited numerous doctors until it became too costly, then I started avoidance compulsions. About 5years ago, I found The OCD Stories with Stuart Ralph, and I started to realize it may be OCD. At that time, I didn’t hear a lot about health related OCD, and I was really stuck on an idea that my fears were not truly OCD. Finally, they did an interview with an expert who was close to my home and I was able to get an appt with a new therapist in the office (for a greatly reduced fee). It’s been a process, I found an amazing therapist (Susanne Marie Haase) on this app. I now have the tools I need to deal with all the uncertainty! Do you have a therapist? I encourage you to reach out to someone here at NOCD. The important thing to remember is that the true problem is the uncertainty and learning better ways to deal with uncertainty. Additionally, understanding that along with physically checking and asking friends for reassurance, the time you spend in your head thinking about it is also a compulsion and it’s compulsions that keep the OCD cycle going. It feels bad to not check, not to try and figure something out, it feels irresponsible, it feels risky, it feels like you simply cannot stop, but you can and life gets much better when you do. There is so much good info and resources here on this platform, as well as the IOCD website. Good luck, I hope this helps.
