When will I be okay again?

Currently crying right now after my shift at work. OCD is transitioning myself into someone I don’t want to be, yet I’m afraid to not have it in my life because when things are feeling okay, it doesn’t feel right, even when I should crave it more than anything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel life won’t go my way or I don’t see myself being in a good place. I just see myself losing everything I love and care about because either ocd has caused me to distance myself from those things or others just decide to separate themselves from me. At the end of the day, I’m going to end up alone and miserable, and I don’t know why I’m okay with that, but I am. I’m so frustrated with myself and conflicted. Fuck this. I have so much more life ahead of me and I fucken feel stuck and crippled bc of ocd. A 21 year old shouldn’t have to go through this. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANYTHING NEGATIVE OR HARMFUL. I’m tired of all the bad. I want more good… I want to be better… I want to be me again. I want to love life, others and myself again.

Username: Cnnn2Cnnn2

Date posted: 1y ago

i remember feeling this exact feeling, feeling like i’ll never be okay again but i can tell you that things did get much better for me i’m not sure if i’m reassuring you but i’ve been in that place where i’ve felt like things won’t ever get better and they did i started to learn to cope with it there’s good days and bad days but mostly good days for me again and i’m sure you’ll get there too!! you got this!

Username: 3rdoct@k43rdoct@k4

Date posted: 1y ago

I feel what you’re going through. For the longest time, I had those feelings. As an 18 year old, it’s hard living life when you’re in a constant cycle of doubt or fear. I’ve had this constant thought of I’m supposed to be enjoying my life and I have so much ahead of me, but why am I going through this and feeling so shitty. But trust me, it will get better. All you have to do is accept the shitty feelings and terrible thoughts. Observe your body and mind. It took that one sitting of me just simply observing that high anxiety state (me feeling hella depressed, nauseous, dizzy, my heart racing, instructive thoughts, etc.) for me to realize that accepting is key. Because once you do, you realize that you’re fighting with your mind and not being in the present. All those catastrophic events that you’re thinking of is all a possibility, not a reality. So allow yourself to feel the anxiety, because from what I see after accepting, is that a lot of people have the same thoughts. They just choose to live on. I hope this helps

Username: 3rdoct@k43rdoct@k4

Date posted: 1y ago

@3rdoct@k4 Also, don’t chase being okay or good again. Because you’re essentially putting yourself in that loop again of “present me was perfect, so I have to obsess over getting rid of OCD and the thoughts to reach my past self”. I struggled with this, but once I reached that next level of “I can definitely love with OCD” it definitely lifted a burden off my shoulders.

Username: Green DragonGreen Dragon

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m just starting this as well and I’m feeling low as well. I’ll tell you what I’m telling myself. Trust in the system. That’s the best I have right now as things are very bad. Thank you for writing. My hopes lifted knowing that someone else is fighting the same enemy. Maybe for right now you try to be strong for me and I’ll try to be strong for you. But you are right this sucks.

Username: notmyocd1notmyocd1

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

you explained that so well, when i’m doing ok i keep questioning it.

Username: BradOCD

Date posted: 2y ago

Okay so I’m trying to accept it but it’s just making me feel depressed. I don’t want it. I want to be happy with my girlfriend again. She was the most important thing in my life and then the OCD hit back like it did when I was a child. And brought up all these insecurities that I had made piece with or hadn’t even realised I had. Now there feels like there’s a glass screen between me and her when she talks about our future I feel like a fraud. I hate ocd. Even if I have been in denial my whole life (which I didn’t think I was) I was happy and content and confident in myself. Now it’s all gone, and it feels like I have no choice but to just tell the ocd it was right all along and live that life because that’s what it feels like I want. But I don’t know what’s me and what’s ocd anymore (even saying that sounds like a lie).

Username: Vee <3

Date posted: 1y ago

Still a bit distressed

How long will this go on for? I’m so tired. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I just want it to go away. It’s hard to accept uncertainty when you were once so sure and confident about yourself. Why did this happen to me? How did it happen to me? I feel so sick and unsure and alone and fraudulent. I feel like the only solution is just to not exist anymore. I don’t want reassurance. I already know who I am and what I want. I just want my fucking brain to shut up. I want it to stop convincing me that I’m someone I’m not. I want the night terrors and migraines to go away. I want the pit and aches in my stomach to stop. I want to be able to breathe without my breath shuddering. I want to be able to read lesbian media again without my brain telling me that I’m faking my sexuality and that I’m not actually a lesbian. I want to be able to listen to songs again without my brain giving me intrusive thoughts about being with men and liking it. I want to be proud about who I am without my brain telling me that I’m going to fuck/end up with a man and be happy. I want the straight fantasies to go away. I want to be able to cry about something that isn’t ocd again. I want to stop being numb after crying and accepting my “straightness” bc I know I’m not no matter how much my brain tells me “your heart knows you’re straight. You know you’re straight. You were never attracted to women.” I want to stop picturing being happy with men and being “ok” with it. And then getting anxious the very next second and not know why. I want it all to fucking stop. I want to be able to at least tolerate living again.

Username: weregonnabeokay

Date posted: 42w ago

💔

sometimes when I read all these posts I just start crying 😭😭 I hate that we are all suffering like this… ocd is not for the weak and its so frustrating 😭 Im really tired honestly… my ocd has its good and bad days but im just exhausted by all of it. I cant enjoy simple things because my ocd has to overcomplicate every little thing and create these “signs” as to what I am and what I am not. Ive had ocd for over a year now im a just upset 😭😭😭 I dont want to live like this forever… I have a lot of people who say, “you can talk to me if you want” and its really sweet 💓 but I dont think anyone can understand what I am feeling because even I cant… I dont know what im doing- how im feeling- who I am- or even what my values are 😭 ocd just makes me question everything. I am a 14 year old girl 😭😭😭 how am I supposed to know what to do? Ive talked mom about my ocd a few times and she tries to help but she doesn’t even understand 1/5th of what I go through daily. I appreciate her caring even if its a little but I just want some help 😭😭 I am a bit scared of therapy though. But im willing to try but im not sure if my mom will let me… Ocd just makes me feel so unlovable. I hate it.

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When will I be okay again?

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