I don’t know anymore. Pls help.

I dont know anymore, just a minute ago I was sure I wasn't this person but now I feel like I really am this person. The thing that puts the cherry on top is that it doesn't feel like how it use to feel when I was suffering from pocd a few months ago, I remember I had so much anxiety and I would wake up with such a heavy heart and scream and cry because of it but now it feels like I feel nothing. It feels like maybe this is the person I always was while making me think I like these things, I never wanted to be a pedo I never want to hurt babies and children I never wanted to end up like those predators on Quora that will only ever feel loved by a touch of a child.. I want to be a good person and not only by my actions but who I am mentally. I keep ruminating on thoughts like this asking my self over and over if im attracted to them or do I find it hot and sometimes I wouldn't even be sure and it just feels like I am, or I would have a thought and I would feel sensation down there (I don't act on anything by the way) it would feel uncomfortable for the most part but then sometimes I feel like I like it deep down. I remember I read somewhere where this guy randomly started being attracted to minors and how much he enjoyed fantasizing about it, and im scared that I might turn into that guy.. I know I dont fantasize about it and im honesty worried that I will. Then I read somewhere that ocd can cause feelings that aren't true but how do I know that it isn't true, how do I know that this isn't who I am deep down, how do I know if im just in denial or not because just a minute ago I was crying a little but even through my tears it feels like a lie. People tell me that its okay and that im not one but I dont know if I can believe them anymore because there will always be something in my mind telling me that everything people say to me and that the person who I was before this was all just some lie, who even am I.

I’m actually convinced I’m a p…. I feel as though I’m a fraud faking to myself and everyone around me. I feel like I shouldn’t deserve to have friends or be around anyone because I am a p. Every thing I see, hear, it could be not child related, or it could, 24/7 I am getting intrusive thoughts saying these things to me. I get groinal responses that make it worse. I cry everyday. This has gotten so much worse. I am so sad. I don’t know what to do with myself I really want to give up. I just miss being a little kid, oblivious to the bad around me and I didn’t question if I was a bad person 24/7 all the time. I hate this so so bad I feel like I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve anything in life, I don’t even feel like I deserve my family or to have a family of my own in the future.

I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I honestly think I have POCD. I have been getting a lot of images or thoughts of children lately, like sexually too and it’s been very disturbing. The thoughts have been nonstop. I have three nephews at home and I’m scared that if I look at them for too long or make eye contact, then that means I’m attracted to them. I have been avoiding them for the past few days and when I hung out with my friend the other day, we were talking about our future and it made me feel so anxious and sad and guilty because of these thoughts I’ve been having. I have to keep telling myself that I know I don’t feel attracted to them in any way but then the question pops up, like “are you really sure about that?” I almost committed a few days ago because of it and the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to leave my mom or my sister. I did some self harm too and I have to keep reminding myself that if I really felt that way towards kids, then I wouldn’t be going through this much. I feel so guilty because I’ve broken down in front of my mom and she keeps asking what’s wrong but I feel like I can’t tell her. Yesterday and today though, I feel really out of place because I feel like I can’t feel anything when the thoughts come up and I don’t know if that’s normal. Does that mean I’m actually that kind of person? It genuinely scares me to even think about.