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I’m feeling so conflicted and scared as of right now. I’ve gotten a lot better these past few months. Before I would have anxiety attacks almost every day and I was physically and mentally drained. I’ve accomplished so many things I thought I couldn’t. Or I should say I didn’t think I would be alive to have accomplished them. I accidentally kept missing my anti depressants for a whole week and now I’ve gotten better at talking them now but I’ve gotten more depressed ever since. I don’t know if they truly helped or if I’m just having a hard time again no matter the medication. My brain feels so foggy. This OCD thing has been going on for almost 7 months without missing a day. And this past week suicide has come across my mind again. My brain starts going at a hundred miles per hour every time I see or think about anyone under 18. I start questioning myself and my stomach drops. I start to feel that hopelessness again. How will I ever live a normal life if I’m a monster? How do I keep going? I’m so ashamed of myself and I just don’t want to be this way anymore. I get so scared of being around kids. And I start worrying about when my siblings or friends are gonna start to have kids and they’re gonna be apart of my life. I can’t handle that without isolating myself from everyone. I’m scared of what I’m capable of or who I truly am. I don’t remember ever worrying or even thinking about these kinds of things. But then I start to think oh that’s because I hadn’t fully developed yet and now that I am developing more I’m becoming more of this monster inevitably. I try to put myself in these uncomfortable situations but I still feel and think the same. Any time I hear about someone who hurt a child my heart stops and I begin to panic on the inside. What if that’s me? Is it me? Should I just end my life? Why am I even worrying about this? Will I ever think normal again? It’s been months and I still worry about this every single day. I’m graduating high school soon and hopefully getting a job. But I’m so scared to get a job. I already have anxiety as it is but now I’m most likely gonna come across kids at work every day. I think to myself maybe it will help me overcome this fear or maybe I’ll just end up proving to myself that I am a monster. I’m just scared of being sexually attracted to everything I’m not supposed to be. Whether that be family, minors, or animals. I never used to worry like this. I just want it to stop. I don’t know how much longer I can handle. Any advice for anyone who may relate??

M_D

Date posted: 2y

I feel extremely sorry to hear about your suffering.. but realise that all this is happening only because of a medical disorder known as "OCD".. that's the REALITY.. it has nothing to do with you as a person.. please talk to someone whom you can trust and feel close to about about present emotions and thoughts.. someone who you think can understand your present situation.. just remain calm and have a little patience.. this is CERTAINLY NOT YOUR FAULT.. it is only because of "OCD".. so don't blame yourself and don't feel guilty for anything.. You can certainly OVERCOME this difficult phase.. Please take care of yourself.. You can get this under control.. Please take care :)

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@M_D Thank you for your reply. It just feels so real and I’ve lost a sense of my own identity. There are a few people who know about my ocd but this particular one I just can’t tell anyone. I feel so ashamed to even type it anonymously. I will be working on ERP on my own because I can’t afford a therapist. But right now it just feels like it’s pointless because this is just who I am.

dbcmbw

Date posted: 2y

I don’t have OCD but my daughter . My thinking for signing up to NOCD was to try and understand my daughter more. I’ve never replied to any message but, I feel like I must for you as my daughter had the same feelings. I want to tell you, you will be absolutely fine around young people because you have these thoughts , I would rather leave my baby with you than a childminder because it would be safer. You absolutely will be fine, trust yourself more and try laughing at this thoughts “just say thanks ocd for that” it’s easier said than done I know , I’ve watched my daughter struggle for years but she is taking more control over her ocd. Much love sent to you x

stranger

Date posted: 2y

@dbcmbw Thank you for your reply. There has been better days where I feel relief from my ocd but the thoughts that make everything seem hopeless always come back. And it’s one of the worst feelings. I feel selfish for even being alive. I will keep trying though. And I will try to response to those thoughts like you suggested.

dbcmbw

Date posted: 2y

You are not selfish at all it’s this bloody OCD not you, please talk to someone about everything including the suicide thoughts , maybe your mum she will give you all the support you need she loves you unconditionally . It will be hard at first for both of you ( because it’s hard to understand) but believe when I say you will come through this episode. Please please don’t give into it. You are worth so much more than OCD. I’m here if you want to talk I can’t promise I will have the answers and I can’t promise I understand everything but, I’m trying . Please talk to your mum or somebody you can trust . you are not a monster , the monster is the OCD but this episode will pass x

AnonymousOne...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

I don't know what's happening...

I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.

Adi7

Date posted: 18w

Advice please ❤️

Hi ❤️ I’m really struggling right now I’m in my sophomore year of Highschool and I’ve finally started planning or thinking abt my future (for context I was extremely depressed and suicidal from 6-9th grade) After conquering my depression this is a huge leap for me and I’m proud of myself ❤️ But there’s something still holding me down :( and I’m not sure what to do anymore that thing is OCD. Since 6th grade I have had strong and invasive intrusive thoughts all the time they scare me so bad and make me feel as though I’m not even real anymore :( I’m sick of taking the time to do ridiculous compulsions to rid or ease these thoughts it’s a waste of time and energy and it hurts me so bad I feel like I will never get to just live my life without this :( How can I plan my future when I can’t even find myself in this mess of anxiety 💔 I’m so tired of fighting my mental health it’s been years from anxiety attacks to sh to survived suicide attempts (I got help dw❤️‍🩹) and recovery there. Just to be thrown into a storm of awful scary sickening thoughts day and night-when can I just be a normal teenager and possibly a happy adult? How do I conquer this so I can love myself to the fullest and live my life free and happy? :( ❤️❤️‍🩹 I’m so scared to talk to my parents about it I’m ashamed of my thoughts and every time I bring it up they just say I shouldn’t be diagnosing myself or it’s just ADHD. It really really hurts me they have no idea how awful this feels and it makes me feel so alone sometimes 💔

12345678910

Date posted: 11w

Thinking about the past.

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

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