Ho ocd

This ocd has been keeping me up at night Causing me anxiety and I’m so worried that when I become tired I keep myself awake because my final thoughts before I fall asleep are saying that I’ve been in denial and that it’s not ocd and it’s just an excuse I’ve been using. My HO-OCD main trigger at the moment is the fact that a friend came out as bisexual and since then I’ve been having this unwanted thoughts of being bisexual and liking them but I don’t and these thoughts make me want to cry and make me so deflated because I don’t want it to be true. Another thing is in my head when I go to sleep I used to make up scenarios in my head to help me go to sleep better and it would always be about getting into a relationship with a boy since before my OCD stresser that’s all I wanted and who I was 100% attracted too, I’d have crushes on boys my whole life. But since having OCD I think of scenarios of falling asleep next to my future husband for example and my head tells me I’m not attracted to them and I get anxiety being around them but then in real life being around men bring me happiness, comfort and safety that I don’t feel with females but my brain tells me otherwise. I also keep seeing TikTok’s which trigger me saying that you’ve never had a crush you’ve just got attached to a boy because they showed you attention and you have attachment issues which causes me anxiety and doesn’t help with my struggle with my identity because it fuels my OCD. I also have contamination OCD and mine focuses on people, so I can’t share food or drinks and I’ve got to bring hand sanitizer with me everywhere to wipe things down after someone has touched them but that also affects me when going on dates with boys because when it comes to holding hands or kissing (especially with tongue 🤢) it triggers my contamination OCD because it’s telling me that they are dirty and full of germs and they aren’t clean and you don’t know where there hands or mouth has been. This also triggers my HO-OCD because I panic when I kiss a boy it’s telling me I don’t like it so I must not like boys. It’s got to the point where it’s so convincing I feel like im never going to get into a relationship because im also super awkward and shy which makes everything worse because I feel like I ruin every moment. I feel like im unable to love someone or trust someone fully.

Username: m00sem00se

Date posted: 1y ago

Hi, I'm not one to talk (bc I should follow my own advice), but have you started ERP? Everything you're describing is something that I've felt and the intense feelings lessened after I started ERP. We're all right here with you 💪

Username: 1049382210493822

Date posted: 1y ago

@m00se So it is OCD this? I understand that this is reassurance but I’m freaking out!! I started OCD therapy but it was costing me £200 per session so I’ve had to stop but I only got to the bit it was diagnosed not actually how to manage it 😩😩

Username: m00sem00se

Date posted: 1y ago

@10493822 I'm not sure if it is, but these are things similar to what I do related to my OCD. If you can find anything about creating a hierarchy with OCD, that's what I was taught about managing it and it helped me a ton.

Username: GoAwayOCD1060GoAwayOCD1060

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

ERP my friend. While working with a therapist is advised, you can try and find free ERP guidelines on YT or online in general. I suffer SOCD so I can relate to what you’re going through. Not here to provide reassurance but can tell you my former and current therapist have me recording audio where I narrate how much I fully embrace the very things you fear, it’s like your brain wants to keep scratching that itch. All I can say is that it has provided me a lot of relief and requires that I keep doing it every day.

Username: 1049382210493822

Date posted: 1y ago

@GoAwayOCD1060 Does it get worse before it gets better?

Username: GoAwayOCD1060GoAwayOCD1060

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@10493822 Yes it does, I went back over my notes I take, a journal of my 4 months doing the tapes and exposures because our minds tend to erase those memories or make it hard to recall and again not hear to provide reassurance but I noticed my scale of anxiety go from 10/10 to 0/10 and often 1/10 which is very manageable. Easier to say now then done but it’s possible. Keep fighting the good fight and going towards your fears!!

Username: GoAwayOCD1060GoAwayOCD1060

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

You are not here to eradicate or disprove the thoughts but rather as you listen and recite over and over, your brain sort of gets tired of picking on you.

Username: 1049382210493822

Date posted: 1y ago

@GoAwayOCD1060 Thank you! You’ve been really helpful and eased my mind slightly

Username: brynnybat2004brynnybat2004

Date posted: 1y ago

This but i deal with Gender identity OCD.

Username: GoAwayOCD1060GoAwayOCD1060

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

When you accept one, another one comes @brynn2004 I had that theme for a few days but did ERP work and to be honest needed to get on meds cause that was a sign my brain was really losing perspective. Sometimes you need to slow your mind down on those moments when you really start to disassociate from your “regular self”. Not trying to reassure you but that’s my own battle with that and how I overcame that particular theme, of course still day to day with my other themes. OCD likes to attack what will make use most uncomfortable, fearful and miserable as a result.

Username: idont241

Date posted: 5y ago

*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: hihey

Date posted: 4y ago

I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions

Username: hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

Hocd

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Sexual Orientation OCD

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