- Date posted
- 2y
I’m a Kid and i’m not sure if I have OCD
since i was little i had this inate fear of something looming over me. When i was very young it was the possibility of aliens. I was (or more my brain was) obsessed with the idea of aliens coming and destroying everything and everybody I loved. Certain noises would trigger that fear, ex. alarms and certain songs. I would normally have to turn them off before a certain point or else for some reason i would feel as if something terrible would come kill my family. (Keep in mind i’m only in 3rd grade at this point) I grew up from that point with mild symptoms like needing to close drawers and being oddly obsessive over certain little things. Eventually when I was older, I experienced self harm. (EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING) whenever i would harm myself i would feel as if it wasn’t enough, it was even and i did it wrong. This though caused me to harm myself more and more. although i’m not experiencing this anymore I am finally starting to notice OCD like symptoms in my life. for example, i always feel the need to keep my hands perfectly clean right before i sleep or else i feel odd and dirty. this causes me to get up many time in the night to go wash my hands because it’s so easily triggered. (certain textures even thoughts) Things in my room are cluttered, yet organized in a way and when other people move it i feel a sense of distress and dread. I also experience a symptom that i don’t hear being discussed a lot (simply because some may feel a sense of shame from it) but, I experience many involuntary violent ‘visions’ on a daily. sometimes little things that are simply disturbing and sometimes full blown scale thoughts of death and even murder. From that I always feel an extreme sense of guilt and fear that maybe it’s not OCD and maybe I really am just some f-ed up kid that wants to kill. this creates a cycle, whatever voice that is telling me these fears, obsessions, works off itself and sends me into a spiral. Now to any person this sounds like clear signs of OCD and i agree that they are. yet something that has really been bugging me is the ‘so what?’ factor of it. Every story i hear of OCD there’s an issue from it. For example contamination OCD: stopping somebody from having a good relationship with their best friend because they’re afraid of going out. (this is a made up instance of course) I don’t experience a huge ‘consequence’ per say, i haven’t lost any relationships and i still am able to do what I love. But i experience constant internal conflict and dread that it gets exhausting. I am constantly thinking, worrying, and obsessing over everything no matter what! (either it be physical or social affairs) I can’t seem to shut that voice up in my head that is telling me things, making me see things i don’t want to see. another aspect that confuses me very much and i think is the biggest thing that makes me question my ‘OCD’ is the lack of immediate thought triggered anxiety that somebody would experience after NOT doing the act. What I mean by that is i feel a sense of dread, a cool wind blow over my shoulder, and knowledge that in my hearts of hearts that everything is wrong and nothing will be right untill i fix that certain thing. But i never hear that voice that normally speaks to me say it, no, i just feel it and i know. and I think in a sense that’s what’s makes it scarier and that’s what keeps me in the shackles of whatever is causing this. I need help, i don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to tell people but i never manage too. where do i start? Do i even have it? If i was to get a diagnosis what good would that do? and most importantly do i have to live with this? i’m only a teenager, is there medicine that can help? Therapy? anything?