So I have never got to tell my story out of all the forums that I’ve read and I just wanna share mine. Any advice is appreciated or similar stories are welcome to be shared. I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago I just really knew of him but one night at a party I approached him and we talked and from then he played kinda hard to get so I just kept asking him to go on a date.. and that was all it took. We were connected like whole heartedly. I always said that I had found my lobster. I have always struggled with having extreme jealousy issues. Always assume the others cheating or that they don’t love me or like scared they will go out and be with other girls. 6 blissful months went by and then one morning I woke up and just felt like a switch had flipped. I was devastated this was what I believe is the love of my life and now I woke up just confused. Questioning my love, if it was true, someone else. It was horrible. And still is.

The guy actually isn’t important, he’s just fuel for your OCD. Many people with ROCD worry that any feelings, however small, towards anyone but their partner is somehow a sign of some sort. If you didn’t have OCD, he’d just be a person you dated. You might think about him randomly one day and then move on and it wouldn’t bother you at all. But because you have OCD, your brain is turning any little thought or feeling into a catastrophe. It turns into a sign or intuition or message from the universe. But it’s not. It’s just your OCD saying “what can I do to create uncertainty here... hmm... what if I made her think THIS” and then seeing you react with fear and it going “it worked! Do it again!”

Hi! I am also having the same problem. A little background: my boyfriend and I have just recently started dating, but we’ve been in each others lives since 6th grade. I went to college and we ended up reconnecting a few months ago, and ever since it’s been history. We spend every weekend together (as I am still at school 3 hours away) and i truly think that I’ve found the one...however, I keep having these same weird thoughts. Like do I really love him? Is this really love? Sometimes when we FaceTime I don’t feel anything. And sometimes when we hang out I just feel blah. Usually when I’m with him for a night I will be fine the next day, but usually on my 3 hours drive there my OCD goes crazy and it’s like I almost feel zero love for him. I know that I do love him, and I know that I want to be with him and I can’t imagine my life without him, but it still doesn’t stop the feelings of what if I don’t really love him?? I try to remind myself that all of my ocd thoughts (I suffer from harm OCD and some others, but harm and ROCD are my biggest two) start with the big WHAT IF question. If I’m saying what if I don’t love him, I try to tell myself that this is probably just an OCD thought and it will pass with time (hopefully....sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). Hopefully you can do the same too. Sorry that you are feeling like this, it sucks. Please reach out if you ever need a friend! :)

A lot of people with ROCD find themselves obsessing over past patterns or people they were with only briefly that they otherwise probably never would have thought of again. It’s all part of the OCD. It’s looking for anything it can to cast doubt.

The doubting part sounds very much like ROCD: https://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665 and I assume it is. But it also sounds like some other things going on too! You mentioned wanting advice but I’ll just share some observations. Keep in mind this is all based on one post, so if I misread any part of your message, please disregard. (1) It sounds like you’re generally more into this relationship than he is. You asked him out. You found your lobster. You were constantly jealous and worried he’d leave or cheat. You were devastated to feel less than bliss. You got help and got on meds and did everything you can to save this relationship. Meanwhile... he didn’t want to go out at first. He wants a job far away. He’s not ready for more. He doesn’t accept your anxiety. I’m curious why you’d want to pursue someone who was not equally as committed to you and who’s clearly told you he does not want more right now. (2) It seems like you might have an anxious attachment style. Meanwhile, I wonder if he has an avoidant style: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI (3) You say you have extreme jealousy but then follow up by describing the first 6 months as blissful. Constant paranoia about cheating does not seem like bliss to me. And it shouldn’t feel like it for you or him! Could you perhaps be doing black/white thinking where you either see the relationship as all amazing or all bad and struggle to see the in between that’s actually more realistic? Overall: I definitely don’t think you should follow him to a far off job where he’s always busy and you’re far from everything and everyone you know. I think he knows it would be crazy for you to go and is hoping you won’t. I think it would be bad for both the relationship and your mental health. Stick with therapy for awhile! Let him go and keep working on yourself. You can do long distance or just revisit the relationship later. Thank you for sharing your story! I’m glad you felt empowered to share it here.

You definitely need to stop telling him about your OCD thoughts! That is not good for either of you and is actually most likely a compulsion. You can certainly tell him in general terms “today I’m having a hard time with it” or “I’m doing really well today actually” but DO NOT go into the content of your intrusive thoughts about your relationship. He can still support you and know when you’re suffering and how that suffering feels, but all your doing is hurting him by telling him the thoughts. Even if the subject of your OCD wasn’t him, I’d be giving you the same advice. You need to add a healthy boundary here for both of your sakes. The person to discuss the thoughts with is your therapist. It’s your job to deal with your OCD. And while your partner can certainly be loving and supportive and there for you, they should never engage in your OCD thoughts with you.

One of the great ironies of ROCD is that people with it often fear hurting their partners more than anything and won’t do anything to prevent that BUT they end up hurting them quite a lot by telling them all of their OCD doubts.

It you’re NOT being dumb! It’s ocd. We all get caught up with our own little things just like this.

That’s so smart... thank you...

Be with someone else*** I then decided that I needed to get help because I didn’t wanna give this up. I loved him. I went to therapy and got on meds and it helped a bunch, my boyfriend got a house and I was so excited to think we would be taking the next step and then all of a sudden right back to the doubts.. so it’s been 6 months later and I am wanting to officially move in with my boyfriend beside my doubts I still feel love for him

But he just keeps saying he’s not ready he’s not ready so I try not to push but being here with him gives me that peace of mind.. just the other day he told me that he is wanting to apply for a job in Pennsylvania and if he gets it he wants to go, we live in Illinois, he told me I could go but it’s 6 days a week his houses for 10 plus hours I would never see him and be all alone away from family and friends.. I don’t want him to go but my doubts have came back. We had a deep heart to heart and I found that he is basically not ready to take the next step with me because of my anxiety and doubts that’s he’s scared which I get.. but I can’t help it.. and I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so helpless no matter what I say or do I just feel like he doesn’t know how much I do love him despite what my head tells me

Thank you?

See that’s the thing he was all for moving in and getting married soon but now he is just scared because he knows what’s going on with me I always tell him.. and I feel like that’s good because I’m so vulnerable with him.. I know he wants me too but he’s scared. But when he tells me he’s not ready and panic and think about if I should be with this kid I briefly dated before him.. who I had to delete off social media because if I even saw something to do with him I felt triggered.. I hate that feeling of what if I should be with him when I know that I love my boyfriend so much and would literally do anything for him. I was on a very good period until he brought up this job and now I feel like I’ve gone really down hill with worry. I’m scared he’s not the one, or he will move and find someone else or that I will, because when I am with him I feel a lot better. I feel calmer and that it is easier to push away negative thoughts. And the beginning was bliss I always had worry about my jealously but it was a Love I’ve never experienced because my jealousy wasn’t always.. in just very scared to give up and very scared that he’s not the one and it’s tearing me up inside

What would be like a healthy boundary mean? @pureolife

A healthy boundary would be: I will let you know how I’m doing and how the thoughts are effecting me, but I won’t disclose or discuss the individual thoughts themselves. Unless your therapist recommends telling your partner for an ERP exercise specifically, confessing each doubt and concern and bad thought about your feelings for him is just causing him pain. The thoughts aren’t actually true (because they’re OCD) and telling them to him isn’t helping you.

I know and he told me that I’ve hurt him and that’s why he’s scared to take the next step with me.. but now this has rolled over since he said he was departing taking this job away I’ve been lately thinking well maybe this means I should be with someone else and then I roll back to thinking about this kid I dated briefly before my boyfriend and now I’m worried I have feelings for him that my love for my boyfriend isn’t real. Is this intuition or is this anxiety I just feel sick

Definitely not intuition. A little magical thinking maybe though. I think it’s clear that: you love your boyfriend, you have ROCD, your confessions have hurt your boyfriend, and you have some hard decisions to make. Your ROCD makes you doubt your boyfriend and worry you’re in love with someone else or “should” be with someone else. But “should” statement are silly and a cognitive distortion. You can be with him or not and that’s entirely your decision and there is no “should” either way. Are you in therapy with an OCD specialist? They could really help guide you through healing from your OCD so you feel more confident making a decision either way.

I don’t wanna break up I know that that makes me sad to think about, I do see a therapist yes and I recently just joined this online forum/ e-course. I’ve been good and then I have spikes but I don’t wanna think about this other guy we only talked for like a month and he wanted nothing to do with me so it’s stupid. I am being so dumb.

I know being with my boyfriend helps calm me down even just been at his house if he’s not there calms me down just knowing he will be coming but I’m just so scared

Thank you for talking with me.. it’s happened before same guy it just makes me sad because like I stopped talking to him, and I was crazy about my bf and then it wasn’t the first flare up I had it was the 2nd I had saw a video of him and was like is that who I should be with? Kinda thing. So I deleted him off all social media and now that my boyfriend is talking of taking a new job I’m thinking is this suppose to be happening now? Should I be with this other guy? Do I have feelings for him? And I keep telling myself no no no no