rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
The guy actually isn’t important, he’s just fuel for your OCD. Many people with ROCD worry that any feelings, however small, towards anyone but their partner is somehow a sign of some sort. If you didn’t have OCD, he’d just be a person you dated. You might think about him randomly one day and then move on and it wouldn’t bother you at all. But because you have OCD, your brain is turning any little thought or feeling into a catastrophe. It turns into a sign or intuition or message from the universe. But it’s not. It’s just your OCD saying “what can I do to create uncertainty here... hmm... what if I made her think THIS” and then seeing you react with fear and it going “it worked! Do it again!”
allllllallllll
- Date posted
- 6y
Hi! I am also having the same problem. A little background: my boyfriend and I have just recently started dating, but we’ve been in each others lives since 6th grade. I went to college and we ended up reconnecting a few months ago, and ever since it’s been history. We spend every weekend together (as I am still at school 3 hours away) and i truly think that I’ve found the one...however, I keep having these same weird thoughts. Like do I really love him? Is this really love? Sometimes when we FaceTime I don’t feel anything. And sometimes when we hang out I just feel blah. Usually when I’m with him for a night I will be fine the next day, but usually on my 3 hours drive there my OCD goes crazy and it’s like I almost feel zero love for him. I know that I do love him, and I know that I want to be with him and I can’t imagine my life without him, but it still doesn’t stop the feelings of what if I don’t really love him?? I try to remind myself that all of my ocd thoughts (I suffer from harm OCD and some others, but harm and ROCD are my biggest two) start with the big WHAT IF question. If I’m saying what if I don’t love him, I try to tell myself that this is probably just an OCD thought and it will pass with time (hopefully....sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). Hopefully you can do the same too. Sorry that you are feeling like this, it sucks. Please reach out if you ever need a friend! :)
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
A lot of people with ROCD find themselves obsessing over past patterns or people they were with only briefly that they otherwise probably never would have thought of again. It’s all part of the OCD. It’s looking for anything it can to cast doubt.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
The doubting part sounds very much like ROCD: https://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665 and I assume it is. But it also sounds like some other things going on too! You mentioned wanting advice but I’ll just share some observations. Keep in mind this is all based on one post, so if I misread any part of your message, please disregard. (1) It sounds like you’re generally more into this relationship than he is. You asked him out. You found your lobster. You were constantly jealous and worried he’d leave or cheat. You were devastated to feel less than bliss. You got help and got on meds and did everything you can to save this relationship. Meanwhile... he didn’t want to go out at first. He wants a job far away. He’s not ready for more. He doesn’t accept your anxiety. I’m curious why you’d want to pursue someone who was not equally as committed to you and who’s clearly told you he does not want more right now. (2) It seems like you might have an anxious attachment style. Meanwhile, I wonder if he has an avoidant style: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI (3) You say you have extreme jealousy but then follow up by describing the first 6 months as blissful. Constant paranoia about cheating does not seem like bliss to me. And it shouldn’t feel like it for you or him! Could you perhaps be doing black/white thinking where you either see the relationship as all amazing or all bad and struggle to see the in between that’s actually more realistic? Overall: I definitely don’t think you should follow him to a far off job where he’s always busy and you’re far from everything and everyone you know. I think he knows it would be crazy for you to go and is hoping you won’t. I think it would be bad for both the relationship and your mental health. Stick with therapy for awhile! Let him go and keep working on yourself. You can do long distance or just revisit the relationship later. Thank you for sharing your story! I’m glad you felt empowered to share it here.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
You definitely need to stop telling him about your OCD thoughts! That is not good for either of you and is actually most likely a compulsion. You can certainly tell him in general terms “today I’m having a hard time with it” or “I’m doing really well today actually” but DO NOT go into the content of your intrusive thoughts about your relationship. He can still support you and know when you’re suffering and how that suffering feels, but all your doing is hurting him by telling him the thoughts. Even if the subject of your OCD wasn’t him, I’d be giving you the same advice. You need to add a healthy boundary here for both of your sakes. The person to discuss the thoughts with is your therapist. It’s your job to deal with your OCD. And while your partner can certainly be loving and supportive and there for you, they should never engage in your OCD thoughts with you.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
One of the great ironies of ROCD is that people with it often fear hurting their partners more than anything and won’t do anything to prevent that BUT they end up hurting them quite a lot by telling them all of their OCD doubts.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
It you’re NOT being dumb! It’s ocd. We all get caught up with our own little things just like this.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
That’s so smart... thank you...
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
Be with someone else*** I then decided that I needed to get help because I didn’t wanna give this up. I loved him. I went to therapy and got on meds and it helped a bunch, my boyfriend got a house and I was so excited to think we would be taking the next step and then all of a sudden right back to the doubts.. so it’s been 6 months later and I am wanting to officially move in with my boyfriend beside my doubts I still feel love for him
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
But he just keeps saying he’s not ready he’s not ready so I try not to push but being here with him gives me that peace of mind.. just the other day he told me that he is wanting to apply for a job in Pennsylvania and if he gets it he wants to go, we live in Illinois, he told me I could go but it’s 6 days a week his houses for 10 plus hours I would never see him and be all alone away from family and friends.. I don’t want him to go but my doubts have came back. We had a deep heart to heart and I found that he is basically not ready to take the next step with me because of my anxiety and doubts that’s he’s scared which I get.. but I can’t help it.. and I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so helpless no matter what I say or do I just feel like he doesn’t know how much I do love him despite what my head tells me
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you?
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
See that’s the thing he was all for moving in and getting married soon but now he is just scared because he knows what’s going on with me I always tell him.. and I feel like that’s good because I’m so vulnerable with him.. I know he wants me too but he’s scared. But when he tells me he’s not ready and panic and think about if I should be with this kid I briefly dated before him.. who I had to delete off social media because if I even saw something to do with him I felt triggered.. I hate that feeling of what if I should be with him when I know that I love my boyfriend so much and would literally do anything for him. I was on a very good period until he brought up this job and now I feel like I’ve gone really down hill with worry. I’m scared he’s not the one, or he will move and find someone else or that I will, because when I am with him I feel a lot better. I feel calmer and that it is easier to push away negative thoughts. And the beginning was bliss I always had worry about my jealously but it was a Love I’ve never experienced because my jealousy wasn’t always.. in just very scared to give up and very scared that he’s not the one and it’s tearing me up inside
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
What would be like a healthy boundary mean? @pureolife
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
A healthy boundary would be: I will let you know how I’m doing and how the thoughts are effecting me, but I won’t disclose or discuss the individual thoughts themselves. Unless your therapist recommends telling your partner for an ERP exercise specifically, confessing each doubt and concern and bad thought about your feelings for him is just causing him pain. The thoughts aren’t actually true (because they’re OCD) and telling them to him isn’t helping you.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
I know and he told me that I’ve hurt him and that’s why he’s scared to take the next step with me.. but now this has rolled over since he said he was departing taking this job away I’ve been lately thinking well maybe this means I should be with someone else and then I roll back to thinking about this kid I dated briefly before my boyfriend and now I’m worried I have feelings for him that my love for my boyfriend isn’t real. Is this intuition or is this anxiety I just feel sick
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
Definitely not intuition. A little magical thinking maybe though. I think it’s clear that: you love your boyfriend, you have ROCD, your confessions have hurt your boyfriend, and you have some hard decisions to make. Your ROCD makes you doubt your boyfriend and worry you’re in love with someone else or “should” be with someone else. But “should” statement are silly and a cognitive distortion. You can be with him or not and that’s entirely your decision and there is no “should” either way. Are you in therapy with an OCD specialist? They could really help guide you through healing from your OCD so you feel more confident making a decision either way.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
I don’t wanna break up I know that that makes me sad to think about, I do see a therapist yes and I recently just joined this online forum/ e-course. I’ve been good and then I have spikes but I don’t wanna think about this other guy we only talked for like a month and he wanted nothing to do with me so it’s stupid. I am being so dumb.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
I know being with my boyfriend helps calm me down even just been at his house if he’s not there calms me down just knowing he will be coming but I’m just so scared
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you for talking with me.. it’s happened before same guy it just makes me sad because like I stopped talking to him, and I was crazy about my bf and then it wasn’t the first flare up I had it was the 2nd I had saw a video of him and was like is that who I should be with? Kinda thing. So I deleted him off all social media and now that my boyfriend is talking of taking a new job I’m thinking is this suppose to be happening now? Should I be with this other guy? Do I have feelings for him? And I keep telling myself no no no no
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Holliea12
- Date posted
- 18w
Feelings
Hey everyone, I wanted to come on here today to just share this post because I’ve been struggling with this recently. I just wanna know if this is a common thing in relationship OCD. So last Friday me and my boyfriend had a conversation that was important, and my emotions were high and I got a little emotional about something he said and we had a long talk about it, the conversation went great and afterwards everything was okay. On Saturday I was so excited to see him after work and I was overflowing with feelings of happiness and excitement. Sunday was great and we stayed on FaceTime just enjoying the day together after he went home that morning, and then came Monday. I remember getting a thought like this, “What if I’m losing feelings for him and I’m just leading him on?” And even this thought, “I don’t really feel anything towards him right now, does that mean I fell out of love with him?” And then the anxiety came, I could literally feel myself breaking out in cold sweats and I could feel the pain in my chest after these thoughts crossed my mind. But what bothers me so much about this is on Saturday and Sunday I felt so content and happy with him and I was so happy and I didn’t have any anxiety whatsoever, and then Monday came, and I had those thoughts and I feel almost numb and I can’t feel anything else except the feelings of worry and fear and my anxiety has been at a all-time high and I keep feeling this pain of guilt and hurt in my chest and I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced the same. Because personally one thing I hate is that one day I can be so happy and energetic and then the next day I can feel numb and feel absolutely nothing towards my boyfriend. I’m not sure if this can correlate with my menstrual cycle as well, but I’ve heard that that can also make your relationship OCD worse and cause you to feel differently about your partner. Just wanting to see if anyone has dealt with the same!
Gmoki
- Date posted
- 16w
How do I focus on myself when bf asked for a break
I’m a 19 year old girl and I have relationship ocd. My bf (20) and I are in college and around 2 days ago he asked for a break via text and then we called after on the phone which was the last time we spoke. We’ve been doing medium/long distance (1-2hrs away from eachother). I’m his first serious relationship and girl he’s ever loved. He’s my first healthy relationship and he felt like home to me. We both date to marry and everything with him felt so finalized, as silly as it sounds. Due to life being life we haven’t been able to see eachother the past three ish weeks. During that time he became different, wasn’t as loving as he used to be, and I had to continuously ask him to call me and he only did once or twice for about 15 minutes. He’s incredibly busy and in a agricultural frat. Unfortunately, he seeks a lot of validation from his frat brothers. It’s funny too, because I absolutely hate frats since I feel like often, of course not always, but often, all frats are about partying and hookup culture. That’s ok, it’s just not my thing as that to me isn’t what I value. With my bf though, I still loved him anyway. My bf was different from the stereotypical frat guy douche. You truly would not guess that him of all people is in one. He has incredibly redeeming qualities - he’s so kind, always tries to do the right thing, is so gentle, hardworking, encouraging, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intelligent lol. Due to this he gets treated differently in the house and the brothers disrespected him constantly. He would literally cry about it in my arms or in his car multiple times. When he was in my arms I was tearing up because it hurt me to see him like that. It broke my heart, but he was always too afraid to speak up for himself. I got pissed so many times and said I will say something for him - I’d do literally anything for him to make him happy. It became very obvious to me that he’s seeking so much male validation to fit in even though he comes from a great family with two married parents, with his dad being an absolutely amazing person and two older brothers. Hes said so many times that he doesn’t belong at the frat and I agreed and would tell him it’s because he was too good for them. I think he’s changed now though, and he honestly wants to fully submerge himself into this frat. He’s also taking max credit classes and has a job. I’ve been working to transfer over to the school he is at and as of late I’ve been doing community college, doing therapy with NOCD, going to the gym, and finally getting a car and being able to drive. I find myself that in relationships I let the other persons mood define mine, and I minimize my needs to make them happier. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I was a normal person. I care so deeply about him and want the best for him and I. I think he saw that flaw in me and with the combined stress of us being busy and not seeing eachother, thought it was time for a break. We called after he sent the text and I sobbed and acted a fool on the phone and I was absolutley pissed st first but only because I care. That was our first phone call in a while. He was crying and sobbing and calling me baby and the last thing we said to eachother was I love you, with him initiating that. Not too long after he was quick to take a lot of our posts down and stop sharing his location. So I did the same, and then just deleted all of my social media. I don’t know if he unadded me on anything, I don’t want to know and I don’t want to see his posts. I don’t think he has any idea as to what he’s doing. I’ll never forget when I was his date to one of his frat formals and I spoke to an alumni for a long time. He said to my bf waiting for me while I was in the bathroom “you got a good girl, take care of her”. My bf told me after that happened, because it was sweet, but I don’t think he honestly knew what that man really meant. Because I think if my bf did understand; I wouldn’t have to practically beg him to acknowledge me with a “maybe we could call” text for weeks, he would’ve directly thanked my mom for all the gifts I bought him using her money, he would’ve actually looked my mom in the eyes when he’s talking to her, he would’ve made sure that with intimacy my needs were also satisfied - not just his, he wouldn’t have told me what makeup style I should wear and what celebrities/traits he finds attractive in other girls even though I’ve voiced I’m uncomfortable with it, he would’ve shown more interest in my hobbies and likes the way I did his, and lastly, he would’ve been more courteous about my feelings and put his ego aside. I mean I’d literally watch hour long videos about fucking warhammer even though I thought it was boring. I sent him an educational video about OCD that I don’t think he ever took the time to watch. Which hurts, because he knows it’s something about me that I discovered during our relationship. Meanwhile, while I have stuff to work on like every person ever, I understand that I don’t need to fit into a group to feel complete. I’ve been authentically myself, flawed and all. I’m not afraid to show my problems to people. I don’t think I’m better than him because I’m like this, but I think that’s where we’re at right now. He hurt me so much and if/when he decides to come back is when I let him. I want him to regret this and for us to work out, but only if there’s change. He said we should work on ourselves and I agree. I’m slowly feeling better, but this took so many people by surprise especially his brothers gf who I was incredibly close to. She also has OCD funnily enough, and we’ve privately bonded over our bfs just not understanding OCD or going to each other for relationship/self care advice. I don’t know what to do, he was home to me. I love him, but I don’t love his actions and I deserve more. I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on, regrets it, and truly understands my value.
Mariabae
- Date posted
- 7w
It feels like I’m realizing the truth and it’s destroying me
Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling deeply with what I believe is ROCD for about a year and a half. I’ve read so much, I’ve learned about ERP, I know that I’m supposed to let the thoughts and feelings pass without reacting — but even knowing all of that, I feel stuck. More than stuck — I feel broken. Lately, I can’t stop thinking that maybe I never loved my boyfriend. That I only loved the idea of being in a relationship, and now I’m just trying to hold on to a fantasy. These thoughts feel incredibly real. When I’m next to him, kissing or cuddling him, I feel like I’m faking it. And that scares me. It feels like something inside me changed and I can’t go back. And now I can’t even remember what love felt like — it’s like I’ve lost myself completely. Yesterday was especially painful. I was overwhelmed and my mom, who usually notices when I’m not okay, tried to talk to me. She loves me a lot and has been carrying her own burdens lately. When she saw how much pain I was in, she reacted strongly — not because she doesn’t care, but because it hurts her to see me like this every day. She told me I might be lying to myself. That I’m hurting both myself and my boyfriend by holding on if I don’t feel love. She asked me to imagine what I would feel if he broke up with me — and I couldn’t answer. I froze. The thing is, I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel hopeless. I try to remember good memories and feel nothing. I used to cry when we said goodbye — now I feel numb. It makes me think that maybe I’ve always been in denial. That maybe everything I believed was love was just me forcing it. And yet… I still don’t want to lose him. But even that feeling feels far away now. These thoughts aren’t just whispers anymore. They feel like truths screaming in my head. “You don’t like him.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “It was all fake.” And I can’t stop ruminating. Every second of my day is consumed with doubt, fear, guilt, sadness, emptiness — and above all, confusion. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this. Felt like they were losing everything, like nothing feels real anymore, like they’re trying so hard to do the right thing and nothing works. I’m trying to sit with the feelings. I’m trying not to seek reassurance. But I also need support. I feel so alone in this. Thank you for reading.
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