rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
The guy actually isn’t important, he’s just fuel for your OCD. Many people with ROCD worry that any feelings, however small, towards anyone but their partner is somehow a sign of some sort. If you didn’t have OCD, he’d just be a person you dated. You might think about him randomly one day and then move on and it wouldn’t bother you at all. But because you have OCD, your brain is turning any little thought or feeling into a catastrophe. It turns into a sign or intuition or message from the universe. But it’s not. It’s just your OCD saying “what can I do to create uncertainty here... hmm... what if I made her think THIS” and then seeing you react with fear and it going “it worked! Do it again!”
allllllallllll
- Date posted
- 6y
Hi! I am also having the same problem. A little background: my boyfriend and I have just recently started dating, but we’ve been in each others lives since 6th grade. I went to college and we ended up reconnecting a few months ago, and ever since it’s been history. We spend every weekend together (as I am still at school 3 hours away) and i truly think that I’ve found the one...however, I keep having these same weird thoughts. Like do I really love him? Is this really love? Sometimes when we FaceTime I don’t feel anything. And sometimes when we hang out I just feel blah. Usually when I’m with him for a night I will be fine the next day, but usually on my 3 hours drive there my OCD goes crazy and it’s like I almost feel zero love for him. I know that I do love him, and I know that I want to be with him and I can’t imagine my life without him, but it still doesn’t stop the feelings of what if I don’t really love him?? I try to remind myself that all of my ocd thoughts (I suffer from harm OCD and some others, but harm and ROCD are my biggest two) start with the big WHAT IF question. If I’m saying what if I don’t love him, I try to tell myself that this is probably just an OCD thought and it will pass with time (hopefully....sometimes it doesn’t feel like it). Hopefully you can do the same too. Sorry that you are feeling like this, it sucks. Please reach out if you ever need a friend! :)
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
A lot of people with ROCD find themselves obsessing over past patterns or people they were with only briefly that they otherwise probably never would have thought of again. It’s all part of the OCD. It’s looking for anything it can to cast doubt.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
The doubting part sounds very much like ROCD: https://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665 and I assume it is. But it also sounds like some other things going on too! You mentioned wanting advice but I’ll just share some observations. Keep in mind this is all based on one post, so if I misread any part of your message, please disregard. (1) It sounds like you’re generally more into this relationship than he is. You asked him out. You found your lobster. You were constantly jealous and worried he’d leave or cheat. You were devastated to feel less than bliss. You got help and got on meds and did everything you can to save this relationship. Meanwhile... he didn’t want to go out at first. He wants a job far away. He’s not ready for more. He doesn’t accept your anxiety. I’m curious why you’d want to pursue someone who was not equally as committed to you and who’s clearly told you he does not want more right now. (2) It seems like you might have an anxious attachment style. Meanwhile, I wonder if he has an avoidant style: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYoIVCHVwKI (3) You say you have extreme jealousy but then follow up by describing the first 6 months as blissful. Constant paranoia about cheating does not seem like bliss to me. And it shouldn’t feel like it for you or him! Could you perhaps be doing black/white thinking where you either see the relationship as all amazing or all bad and struggle to see the in between that’s actually more realistic? Overall: I definitely don’t think you should follow him to a far off job where he’s always busy and you’re far from everything and everyone you know. I think he knows it would be crazy for you to go and is hoping you won’t. I think it would be bad for both the relationship and your mental health. Stick with therapy for awhile! Let him go and keep working on yourself. You can do long distance or just revisit the relationship later. Thank you for sharing your story! I’m glad you felt empowered to share it here.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
You definitely need to stop telling him about your OCD thoughts! That is not good for either of you and is actually most likely a compulsion. You can certainly tell him in general terms “today I’m having a hard time with it” or “I’m doing really well today actually” but DO NOT go into the content of your intrusive thoughts about your relationship. He can still support you and know when you’re suffering and how that suffering feels, but all your doing is hurting him by telling him the thoughts. Even if the subject of your OCD wasn’t him, I’d be giving you the same advice. You need to add a healthy boundary here for both of your sakes. The person to discuss the thoughts with is your therapist. It’s your job to deal with your OCD. And while your partner can certainly be loving and supportive and there for you, they should never engage in your OCD thoughts with you.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
One of the great ironies of ROCD is that people with it often fear hurting their partners more than anything and won’t do anything to prevent that BUT they end up hurting them quite a lot by telling them all of their OCD doubts.
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
It you’re NOT being dumb! It’s ocd. We all get caught up with our own little things just like this.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
That’s so smart... thank you...
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
Be with someone else*** I then decided that I needed to get help because I didn’t wanna give this up. I loved him. I went to therapy and got on meds and it helped a bunch, my boyfriend got a house and I was so excited to think we would be taking the next step and then all of a sudden right back to the doubts.. so it’s been 6 months later and I am wanting to officially move in with my boyfriend beside my doubts I still feel love for him
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
But he just keeps saying he’s not ready he’s not ready so I try not to push but being here with him gives me that peace of mind.. just the other day he told me that he is wanting to apply for a job in Pennsylvania and if he gets it he wants to go, we live in Illinois, he told me I could go but it’s 6 days a week his houses for 10 plus hours I would never see him and be all alone away from family and friends.. I don’t want him to go but my doubts have came back. We had a deep heart to heart and I found that he is basically not ready to take the next step with me because of my anxiety and doubts that’s he’s scared which I get.. but I can’t help it.. and I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so helpless no matter what I say or do I just feel like he doesn’t know how much I do love him despite what my head tells me
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you?
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
See that’s the thing he was all for moving in and getting married soon but now he is just scared because he knows what’s going on with me I always tell him.. and I feel like that’s good because I’m so vulnerable with him.. I know he wants me too but he’s scared. But when he tells me he’s not ready and panic and think about if I should be with this kid I briefly dated before him.. who I had to delete off social media because if I even saw something to do with him I felt triggered.. I hate that feeling of what if I should be with him when I know that I love my boyfriend so much and would literally do anything for him. I was on a very good period until he brought up this job and now I feel like I’ve gone really down hill with worry. I’m scared he’s not the one, or he will move and find someone else or that I will, because when I am with him I feel a lot better. I feel calmer and that it is easier to push away negative thoughts. And the beginning was bliss I always had worry about my jealously but it was a Love I’ve never experienced because my jealousy wasn’t always.. in just very scared to give up and very scared that he’s not the one and it’s tearing me up inside
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
What would be like a healthy boundary mean? @pureolife
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
A healthy boundary would be: I will let you know how I’m doing and how the thoughts are effecting me, but I won’t disclose or discuss the individual thoughts themselves. Unless your therapist recommends telling your partner for an ERP exercise specifically, confessing each doubt and concern and bad thought about your feelings for him is just causing him pain. The thoughts aren’t actually true (because they’re OCD) and telling them to him isn’t helping you.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
I know and he told me that I’ve hurt him and that’s why he’s scared to take the next step with me.. but now this has rolled over since he said he was departing taking this job away I’ve been lately thinking well maybe this means I should be with someone else and then I roll back to thinking about this kid I dated briefly before my boyfriend and now I’m worried I have feelings for him that my love for my boyfriend isn’t real. Is this intuition or is this anxiety I just feel sick
pureolifepureolife
- Date posted
- 6y
Definitely not intuition. A little magical thinking maybe though. I think it’s clear that: you love your boyfriend, you have ROCD, your confessions have hurt your boyfriend, and you have some hard decisions to make. Your ROCD makes you doubt your boyfriend and worry you’re in love with someone else or “should” be with someone else. But “should” statement are silly and a cognitive distortion. You can be with him or not and that’s entirely your decision and there is no “should” either way. Are you in therapy with an OCD specialist? They could really help guide you through healing from your OCD so you feel more confident making a decision either way.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
I don’t wanna break up I know that that makes me sad to think about, I do see a therapist yes and I recently just joined this online forum/ e-course. I’ve been good and then I have spikes but I don’t wanna think about this other guy we only talked for like a month and he wanted nothing to do with me so it’s stupid. I am being so dumb.
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
I know being with my boyfriend helps calm me down even just been at his house if he’s not there calms me down just knowing he will be coming but I’m just so scared
rachieboo102rachieboo102
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you for talking with me.. it’s happened before same guy it just makes me sad because like I stopped talking to him, and I was crazy about my bf and then it wasn’t the first flare up I had it was the 2nd I had saw a video of him and was like is that who I should be with? Kinda thing. So I deleted him off all social media and now that my boyfriend is talking of taking a new job I’m thinking is this suppose to be happening now? Should I be with this other guy? Do I have feelings for him? And I keep telling myself no no no no
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Anonymous
- Date posted
- 12w
SOCD or relationship ocd?
Could someone lend me some kind words or make sense of what I might be going through? Any advice or suggestions is greatly appreciated Almost over a year now I had a nightmare or a dream which I saw me marrying another woman. I didn’t see her face,I didn’t know her name. It was the back of our heads during the dream. When I woke up; I was dumbfounded and I cannot explain how mortified and guilty I felt I spent up till now still ongoing - I’m struggling still for well over a year now. I have gone through multiple different emotions. That day it was almost like an epiphany but it wasn’t because I’ve been bi since about 14/15 years old, I have still chosen to sway towards men because I find them more attractive and that is who I want to be with eventually, a man. I remember that morning after waking up from the dream I was absolutely hysterical in the bathroom crying because I was just shocked like did this mean anything? did my preference change what does this mean for my relationship now? the overwhelming guilt and sadness and what is happening all at the same time just formed a massive spiral in my head and I can Still remember how this makes me feel. I have still hid this up until now from my partner because I’m worried how he will react if there is any big pieces of uncertainty like this were to come to him. I have constantly; almost every day gone through past experiences and if my previous experiences sexually being with women meant anything - making me questioning my whole identity questioning if my current relationship was just a lie ?it is tiring. It has worn me down to the bone and I feel emotionally exhausted and numb and I don’t know how to get out of it. I have tirelessly looked for answers within myself because I don’t want to burden anyone I know with my dilemma. I am no closer to finding an answer, it’s a constant spiral or circle - it’s ‘I’m happy’ to ‘I’m questioning’ to finding my ‘ answer’ then to getting temporary relief and then on repeat every single day. It’s not only now- it’s me reflecting on my whole life and trying to look for answers trying to piece the puzzle together but becoming no closer to the clarity or assurance I need and I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure at this stage if it’s reality or if it’s OCD or just intrusive thoughts. I’ve been researching denial versus OCD and comparing those results to mine almost every single day. It’s been almost a year and I feel guilty because I feel like I’m a fraud. I feel like I can’t indulge in my own relationship and deepdown I know I still love him. I just don’t know how to reach it. looking at photos and cards that we’ve sent to one another makes me emotional because I remember how he made me feel and it’s of no fault with his own and it’s changed. I’ve been grieving a loss of losing my own partner for months now and he’s still here with me. I’m grieving about a relationship I’m still in but I’m grieving because my feelings have changed and I don’t know why. I miss being happy and love and not ever second thinking of future together. Every day I face the same emotional and mental torment of unsureness and uncertainty and the absolute urgency to figure it out right now but not ever coming to an answer that sticks. I have jumps between this obsession but also do I love him do I love him? Not do I want to be with him? Do I not want to be with him? Is he my person or is he not?
ismap1
- Date posted
- 11w
Relationship
my name is isma, i am 19 in nyc. i met this amazing guy at the beginning of the year, we hit it off immediately and he really stood out to me. i recently broke up with him because i feel like if id put him thru a lot if he’d stay with me. i recently came out to my parents and it wasn’t voluntary. i was caught with him and then had to reveal that i was gay. my parents didn’t take it too well. i felt uncomfortable and a little scared to be at home for some days. that settled in a week and both my parents told me they were acceptant but in the end it just felt to me like if they accepted me but they just didn’t wanna know about it anymore in a sense of just avoiding touching on the topic. now me and my boyfriend, i was going thru a lot and he gave me all his attention and was there for me whenever i had to vent or just cry because of everything going on. it’s crazy to think that at 19 years old id be coming out to my parents when at the start of the year, i never thought that’d be something id end up doing. ive never been open about my emotions or a “soft” person because i was never able to be myself at home and with my parents. sometimes i can’t even hug anyone. i find it hard to speak to strangers that r not my friends. i’m very picky when it comes to making friends. i feel like my thoughts are all over the place and im very indecisive. i miss my boyfriend and i wanna go back with him but im scared that ill ruin things again. before him, i was stuck in hookup culture and thought that by hooking up w a guy i was interested in, he’d wanna stay with me and get to know me. i was used many times and ive also used people many times. i’ve been done dirty and ive done people dirty, i dont think of myself as a good person but i felt loved and deeply cared for by this guy. he lives in nj and i live in ny. sometimes he’d even surprise me at work and i cried the first time he did. i felt so special and in awe because i would’ve never thought i could get so emotional over a small gesture. to me it wasn’t a small gesture. it was everything because he came from all the way in nj to ny just to see me for a couple of minutes. i hate the way that i am. i am unconfident, i think i am so ugly, sometimes i question how he found me attractive to date. i overthink everything, i cried one time imagining him coming to see me in ny then having to go home so late back to nj, i dont think im worth it and i felt like i didn’t deserve that and maybe it’d be better if he found someone near him. i also compared myself a lot with him. he’s such a kind spirited person, he’s always smiling and i on the other hand get told i look sad or anxious. i am i pretty negative person and that just adds on to me being an overthinker. i always thought someone as happy as him deserves another happy person and not someone who gets mad or agitated easily. i wish i can be more for him, i do miss him a lot and i plan on talking with him again. i just wanna talk everything out, even if we don’t date for sometime, i wanna be around him and know we’re gonna get back there again someday. he’s the best person that’s came to my life, i know ppl may say to let it go and see it as a learning experience but i don’t wanna move on if it’s not me moving on by his side. i really do wanna be with him i just wanna get my head clear. i don’t know what to do, im stuck
miss_anonymous
- Date posted
- 28d
Long post
Hey I haven’t posted in awhile but I just need to vent. Back in early 2023/ 2024, I remember this theme putting me in the deepest depression that I believe I became emotionally numb. I don’t know, but I felt like I had it and still maybe do. I remember keeping something in for a year from my gf at the time and my OCD was beating me up so bad that I eventually to the hospital in June of 2024. Those of you that have watched Euphoria… remember that scene where Rue is in bed all day and night and physically can’t get out of bed and is frozen? That’s how I felt when it was getting to the end of my relationship. I had the worse thoughts you could ever imagine and every time I had a conversation w/ my gf, I felt like a robot. I felt like I couldn’t even talk to my gf without getting interrupted by my instrusive thoughts. I’m not perfect either . I made a mistake when I saw her the last time. Maybe led her on, maybe I was just emotionally numb . I still wanted to see if the spark was there but I guess it wasn’t. That’s one of my biggest regrets. I rather have stayed home and gathered my thoughts then to go see her on my birthday. It was selfish of me. I take ownership of that . Recently she’s been on my mind , but when we finally parted ways it’s like I didn’t feel anything and that made me question if I loved her? Idk I guess what I’m asking is did or does anyone feel that way? You felt emotionally numb/no spark/ nothing when you kiss? Physically not attracted. Sometimes I question .. what is love? What does it mean? Does love always have to have a spark? I read one time that you choose that person. But I feel like I’m confused what it really means. It’s like I’m having this 360 shift and realizing maybe I was emotionally numb all along and keeping this “secret” I thought at the time, to myself. I eventually told her and she wasn’t mad . My ocd made it bigger than it was . 😔 It’s crazy what OCD can do to you. I felt sick not just mentally, but physically too. Maybe it was easier for me to move on because I “emotionally checked out or was just too emotionally numb” after awhile that when we did break up the first time I barely cried. I cried almost everyday for a year before that first breakup in August. We had gone almost a month without talking because we parted ways but then reconnected September of 2024 and the. Ended it mid January. That’s the last we spoke. It’s been 9 months. I know people feel different thhings at different times but she’s been on my mind recently. And this may be TMI but I know a lot of my emotions right now have to do with my period, but even before my cycle… I was thinking about her. My thoughts are just heightened now. It’s like I was saying … it’s like I’m seeing things different now. Maybe I was so emotionally numb I couldn’t feel anything and it felt like I had fallen out of love. It was hard for me to feel anything and to be honest I think this start May of 2024. I wanted to stay and make it work. But you can’t force yourself to feel something. I think I’m just confused rn. Maybe I’m a little de lulu but I’ve always felt like it’s her. Sure I’ve looked at other girls but when it comes down to soul and personality and how that person treats you… that’s what pulls you in and what matters. It’s like I’m finally realizing after a YEAR LATER that all this ocd stuff was in my head and It’s a shame because I lost a really good one and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back but I’m grateful for the memories and she’ll always have a special place in my heart. Not sure if this is part of the grieving process? Idk if you guys could give me some feedback or if this resonates with you … please leave comments down below. (Not for reassurance seaking) but to know that if anyone has felt just how I’m feeling right now . I would relay appreciate it🙏🏽 (edited)
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