Missing Life Before ROCD

I’m in a relapse of my rocd if we can call it that, it’s been months now and it’s so hard. I love my partner an amazing amount but everything I do tells me different. Rocd tells me I don’t love him, I don’t even like or care about him and it breaks my heart. All day long anytime I get excited or happy about something my rocd says that’s because you don’t love him anymore. It’s so hard as I have such a negative view of him with rocd and my mind won’t let me think of anything positive although I was so incredibly happy. He feels like a stranger to me I use to be so comfortable with him and he was my best friend and it just felt right. Even when I was experiencing rocd thoughts from my original episode I was able to work through and still be happy. This relapse is so hard. I’m not sure if I’m experiencing depersonalizations or not because when I read up what it is most people say they feel like they are in a dream. I don’t feel a dream as much as I don’t feel normal and don’t feel like me. I question everything I do from the time I get up till the time I go to bed. Before this relapse, would I have sat down and watched tv, would I have said or done this or that. Everything is a question and nothing feels normal. I don’t feel like me. Even being with my partner I wonder if I act/ think the same way. Would I normally say this in a text, would I normally sit beside him or was it okay if we didn’t cuddle every second we watched tv? When we slept before did I turn durning the night or did we cuddle the whole night? Did I give him a good morning kiss every morning? When I go to text him something my mind instantly checks to see if this was something I would have done before and then reminds me how everything feels so weird. Not just with him but with everything. Sometimes I look at my dog and I don’t even feel like she is the same. I’m just so worried I’m so focused on being normal again that I’ll never actually feel like me. Like I’ve been too far in this hole to get out.It just sucks and feels so wrong. I feel like others have days or moments when they get to feel somewhat normal around their partner but my rocd thoughts/ feelings just won’t let me. It’s been almost 4 months of waking up and not feeling the way I want to and feeling like a stranger. I’m in therapy, I’m doing other rocd work and it’s just sucks. I feel like I’m never going to be able to look or think about my partner and just be okay again. I don’t even care about feeling the in love feelings, I just want to feel like I’m fully committed to us and him again. He is my person and rocd is trying so hard to take him from me. I guess any tips for depersonalization that has lasted a long time?

When my soocd and rocd first hit hard, it really shattered my world and the kind of stability I had in life before the constant fear of losing the one I love. When I got my first job, I buried myself in the idea that I was too busy to deal with it anymore, it helped that I started school and got a pet hedgehog as well. But some nights it hits me that this hasn’t gone away at all, I don’t spend night after night or day after day stuck in the same thoughts anymore but I feel so cold inside like I’m not worth anything and like I don’t deserve the love and attraction I think I once felt for my sweet boyfriend. I feel like the fact that I can’t “feel” those feelings for him anymore that I’ve spent so long chasing means I don’t deserve him, I feel like even though the great anxiety has stopped I’m still trying to chase down that love feeling and how it “should” feel instead of just feeling it for what it is. I’m still terrified that if I let go of my walls that I’ll realize I don’t love him and lose him. It’s hurting me bad and making me resort to bad coping mechanisms. I’m starting to seek out validation again and craving that rush of infatuation when in reality the only one I want is my boyfriend. For almost a year and a half I obsessed about sexual attraction, it’s really affected my intimate life. I have self-esteem issues about my body, my “skills”, fear of not liking it enough and false expectations just all cause me to not feel much in my body and it makes me horribly sad. My boyfriend says I need to accept the possibility that the things I fear could be true and that I could be with someone else but it’s so hard because I really don’t want that but the longer I fight it the further away I feel from him. I didn’t think ocd could be this complex and cause such havoc on my life. I kind of miss when I felt extreme anxiety every day and had the same thoughts over and over because at least then it was easier to know it was my mind games at work. Now it just feels like I’m sabotaging myself daily by chasing the feelings of love I want. I don’t want to ruin this otherwise healthy relationship, my boyfriend is my best friend and I still want that. Can anyone relate to this? I feel like a lot of people just have the obsessiveness and I’m here trying to deal with the side effects of the after math and it makes me feel so alone

So Iv been doing better and im proud of myself. Everything seems to be going okay but I still feel numb. Its been almost 9 months and I barley feel happiness, love, anything pretty for that matter. I can only feel the negative ones like feeling blue from time to time. I just wonder if I’ll be “normal” again. I miss how I felt with my boyfriend. That overwhelming warmth I felt to the point i had yo stop myself from biting him because it was irresistible. It hurts that i cant feel but it also hurts that I might never be the same. How can I go on like this? What am I gonna do once we decide to live together or engaged ? Im always thinking of the future even as far as what it I go through postpartum depression. Im not asking for reassurance but these questions are on my mind everyday. Im so scared im going to go into that dark hole where i was 9 months ago. If anyone has some advice or someone who’s been going through this longer than I have can leave me comments on their experience id appreciate it.