LIL RANT

I struggle so bad with intrusive thoughts. They can be so bad that I'll cry because I KNOW that's not how I feel or want to do. (Too embarrassed to say what they're about) I'll constantly try to figure out why I have them, and constantly figure out what they mean, causing me to constantly circle around and around. I had to get on anxeity meds, which helped a little but the thoughts still happen. How do you help yourself with this? How do you know that you're just not some physcopath? 😅

Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.

Idk if im the only one but I've literally just been holed up in my bedroom for the past 3 months and have barely gone out especially in the last 2. I'm too scared to leave and interact with people normally because I feel like a criminal and like someone who doesn't deserve to be around others. But in the same breath, I'm starting to hate my bedroom. It just feels like all my negative emotions are being bottled up and stored in here. I keep telling myself I should go out and take a walk and maybe it will feel better to just be out in the fresh air. But also don't want to because I'm quite lethargic on top of not eating that much either. Just feeling... stuck.