- Username
- steph demeis
- Date posted
- 1y ago
25+ year addiction & battle with ocd
I decided to try sobriety for a change.
I decided to try sobriety for a change.
Sobriety is the drug that keeps getting better. I really mean that, way to go.
Good for you! I’ve been sober for over a year!
Good luck
If it's not too personal, how did one affect the other?
I am happy for you You are lucky. I get the feeling ocd is much more complex than we here and experts think.
Oh, wow! How do you explain that to someone? How was your first love coping with your issues? Do you have any idea what might have been the main reason for your ocd to occur the first time ever? Do you think bad events cause chemical imbalance in our brain or is it that it already exists and it represents the difference why people who have it develop ocd after bad things happen to them and those who do not have it, don't?
Good morning to you. Nice to know someone from Pittsburg. It is 4:30 pm here in Europe right now. I come from a small country bordering Italy and Austria. Steph, I will take you up on your offer if it still stands, just not today. Tomorrow around this time or a bit later. I have waisted most of the day today and I need to pull myself together now and do all I have neglected today. The chores, spending time and taking care of my 3 kids with 12 legs, and finally preparing a health meal for myself instead of eating junk food. I apologize. I really am not feeling myself today. I will be glad though if you were ready to try it tomorrow. I hope you are doing well today. Thanks. 😊
Thank you
So there is an entire ego-dystonic & ego-syntonic conversation going on in my brain. The cognitive obsessions to go out & use stem from past trauma that has not been managed & the only way to gain relief in the present from all the unprocessed information in my psyche is to compulsively drink or excessively smoke. Then I obsess over events with people to make matters worse. I refused to get any treatment because I know only I can stop the compulsions.
Basically, if ocd is a coping mechanism for what is not yet healed in my subconscious mind, the addiction is the mask I wear to cover up the critical thinker in all of this.
The ocd is why I would become addicted in the first place. For me, the bodily feeling or rush that goes along with a drug wasn't even why I was getting high in the first place. I was doing it to feed my demon & quiet the ocd. This form of instant gratification turns into quite a circumventive street. Anyway, that's kind of what it's like.
I understand that it is much more damaging to you, the drinking and smoking, but I think I can relate. I've been thinking about this for a few days now. I believe I am dealing with exactly the same scenario as you are, except instead of alcohol and smoking I use food. After your explanation there is no more doubt about it in my mind. As I have mentioned before, after running away from home I was basically starving for 2 years. I had nothing and nobody to help. I worked 2 jobs just to cover the rent and expenses. Hardly any money left for food. I can't seem to get over that period. I am constantly scared I will be left with nothing again and will have to starve again. It's been 25 years and I still can't shake the fear. My losing my company in 2019 and not being able to get a job since, doesn't help at all. That constant fear deep inside of me and always at the back of my mind. My husband's income is hardly enough just to survive the month. My fear is flourishing. It's the feul for my ocd. For 2 years 2020-2022 I depended on my husband for my meals. I had a fridge in the next room but ocd wouldn't let me touch it. My husband went to work early in the mornings, I wouldn't eat anything till he came home and cooked a meal. With my rituals I would sometimes eat late in the evening. 1x a day. For 2 years. It scares the crap out of me just thinking about it. My ocd doesn't let me be able to take care of my financial security. And without money I am sacred to death every single second of every day. And ocd keeps reminding me that I will probably go hungry again and die from hunger if I don't do what it tells me to do since it is my only true friend. I on the other side have a feeling that one day I am just going to break and die from my own hand. I am completely alone in this. Even less support from my doctors than I thought I had. I thought my husband understood ocd, found out yesterday he has no idea, I am sick and tired of my life. I think I was a God's joke to the humanity. No good for myself, my own worst enemy, and no good for others. I know it's up to me to change things, but how do you do it without support and instructions from doctors, therapists,...? Steph, how do You do it? Don't know what to do. Each day I say to myself I would not eat sweets or overeat,... And I would only eat at certain times. The second I get the feeling of hunger in my stomach, I become nervous and feel sick and I sort of fight with the feeling of panic. I need to eat to calm the fear of hunger. Hmmm. Nuts, right?
Not nuts at all. My first love got me through.
Yea, I know that's right. Especially cause ocd plays tricks on us. I am lucky to have my first love, but completely forgot we were together. Nothing personal against anyone-it's my brain & the way my mind works. Imagine that. One minute you are together with some1 & the very next your significant other does not even remember sleeping with you. It's scary stuff.
I ask myself these questions every day. My first love used humour, grace, & support systems outside of us. She was hurt by my ocd, but never once lashed out on me. I know what the main reason is for the first occurance, yes. Bad events cause ocd. I understand brain structure, chemistry & physiology have much to do with any type of bizarre behaviour, however, when something bad does happen, our mind tries to protect us, thus this releases chemicals in our brain. Chemical imbalance @ birth or not-Ocd is a coping mechanism that causes our disorder. We can take medication &/or change our syntax in the way we think as to create new core belief systems; We just simply cannot tap into that part unless we identify we have a problem. So with a historical context & social construct already in place (for instance was there prior brain injury, chemical imbalance or instances of bullying, public humiliation, & domestic abuse) what would empirical evidence say? In other words, how self-aware are the people who supposedly don't have it?
Yeah! Nice thinking! Your first love sounds like a very kind and loving person. Do you think that our mind dictates the occurrence of ocd because it sees it as the protecting mechanism that will keeps us safe? Do you ever get the feeling, even just for a second, that you are happy ocd is present? It feels like a reliable and faithful friend. But just like in real life people's good intentions can be your stepping stones to hell, so ocd is trying to protect us with good intentions but for all the wrong reasons and in wrong ways. Ways that hurt us more than any ocd fear ever could. I don't know if it makes sense. Well in the end, an individual is better off without such friends and so is the ocd also unwelcome. Does Erp work for you? Have you tried it? How did you explain to your first partner and the present one what ocd is and why it is so hard to fight it? As a man, what would be the best way to explain it to you, so you would understand the illogical in a logical way, if you were an ocd free man? I need to find a way to explain it to my husband in a ocd for dummies kind of way but with information about my subtype that goes way beyond the checking, counting, washing hands,.. If you were my husband and you knew I was going through personal hell which affected you also, but you didn't quite understand why I don't just forget about it or dismiss the fears, how would your loved one need to approach you, what to say for you to finally fully grasp that it is a disorder, a disease and not just my personality quirk? If you answer that for me, I will be so grateful, I will send you the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek ever. By the way, how are you today? I went for a walk earlier. Forced myself to. And I did just over 10000 steps or 7,1 kms. I am beat now, but I feel proud of myself for going. I am glad you are here with us at NOCD. 🤗😊
1) no 2) no 3) yes 4) yes 5) I did not explain 6) I don't know I can explain..
Way to go❤️ I am well, right now. Thanks for asking. Let's just say for the sake of conversation I am your husband. I would need you to approach me as you.
Thanks. Ok. But let's find the time to do so at an hour that suits us both. I was awake till 3 hours and 40 min ago, which makes it 3 am here. 8 have just woken up, and it's 6:40h am now. I am soooo sleepy. I will try to get an hour or 2 more of sleep. When I am up again, I'll let you know. And we'll see if you are up at the same time and if you have the time. Or you'll tell me when it is OK for you. I font know where you're from and what the time difference is... For the time bring... Good night.
Sounds good. I live in Pittsburgh, PA where it is 9:15 am
Absolutely. Enjoy your day.
Thank you. The same back at you.
So it must be 4:48 en el dio de manana? Are you in Slovanai or Switzerlen? I see what you mean by conflicting times, now. I understand-not feeling like yourself.
Hey everyone. Long post, but just want some advice. I’ve had suicidal ocd, with some relationship & existential on the side lol, for about a year and a half. My suicidal ocd is pretty severe. I did a small amount of erp for a month or two, but then took a break. Last week I started an IOP program. I also take 10 mg of Prozac, and have for about 5 weeks. The first week of IOP was great. This week I have went downhill and feel like my ‘old ocd self’ again meaning heavily ruminating and seeking reassurance. My exposure today was standing near train tracks. It made me sad, and scared. I didn’t want to do it. I keep ruminating. I am absolutely terrified I will not get better. I’m scared I will get depressed and think life is not worth it. Thoughts constantly run through my head. I want to be here so bad, but I’m scared I am going to give up. I constantly worry I won’t be “happy” long term and I won’t recover. Can anyone give me some hope? I am scared I’m a lost caus. Any recovery stories? I’ve never had depression and I’m feeling a bit worried about myself from feeling tired and sad. I don’t know many people with suicidal ocd- I just want to know I can recover. Thanks for reading!
I’ve completed 11 sessions so far and I can honestly see progress. I’m not back to my “normal” self but I’m gaining parts of my life and my personality back. I never knew I had OCD. I always attributed things to anxiety. Being diagnosed let me know I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, and that there’s help for me. I have a long list of OCD subtypes. As you can imagine, the thoughts and images in my head were extremely distressing and I was concerned for my quality of life and my sanity. 11 sessions in and I’m able to watch shows and movies without being scared I’ll see a trigger, I can practice exposures and navigate through my obsessions better, and I’m finding joy in the little moments in life. I used to avoid so many things and people because I was scared I’d have intrusive thoughts. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts every single day. Some days and even weeks are bad and I struggle more than usual. I have mood swings, extreme irritability, and even sometimes experiencing depersonalization. Sometimes I just plain out feel uncomfortable and weird. But like my therapist said, progress is not linear. I’m learning to count my wins instead of always counting my losses. I’m learning to enjoy the little bits of life that are ok, and I feel proud when I get through hard moments. I’m excited for the future. I’m excited to see how much I progress. Sometimes I’m still scared but I know that’s my OCD trying to get me to quit because we both know this ERP therapy is helping. If you’re struggling, please seek help. It does get better. I wanted to quit after doing my first exposure. I’m so happy I didn’t. And on hard days when I want to give up, I know this is what I’m supposed to be doing to help myself.
I’m wondering if this has happened to anyone else… I’m 28 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was very young and it took a while, but I overcame it. I haven’t had any compulsions in 20 years. I’ve had some horrible things happen in the past, but nothing brought back my OCD. The only thing I struggle with is overthinking and making decisions. Im about to take a sabbatical from my work for a year to travel because the last year of my life has been by far the happiest and most confident iv ever been. I went to see a therapist a couple weeks ago who was an OCD specialist, I just wanted some tips and tricks for decision-making while I’m on my trip. She warned me that my OCD might get worse before it gets better, but I thought that she just meant with decision-making and overthinking. They have this program set out that I didn’t really wanna do but she told me it works really well so I decided to try it. It’s two sessions a week and the first two sessions were sort of just talking about my old OCD and doing questionnaires. I really related to some of the questionnaire questions, and the therapist was actively telling me that I definitely had OCD the whole time which made me feel bad. After our second session, my OCD came back full swing like when I was a child. I cant stop thinking about doing compulsions every waking second. It’s been two weeks. I’ve been to her several times and nothing is helping, I’m resisting the urge to do compulsions as much as I can and I feel like I’m fighting for my life. Nothing is helping and I’m burning out. I wake up and cry everyday because of how uncomfortable and out of control I feel. I never thought this would happen and im so mad at myself for ruining my trip. I feel like I’ve ruined my life tbh and even if I do get better, I’m always gonna be bothered by the constant fear that even at the highest and most happy points in my life it could just come back at any second with no warning signs.. I thought I knew how to deal with it and had the tools, but nothing is working this time and its ruining my life. Today I asked about cancelling my trip altogether, and I might be going on medical leave. Has this happened to anybody and do you have any tips for me?
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