25+ year addiction & battle with ocd

I understand that it is much more damaging to you, the drinking and smoking, but I think I can relate. I've been thinking about this for a few days now. I believe I am dealing with exactly the same scenario as you are, except instead of alcohol and smoking I use food. After your explanation there is no more doubt about it in my mind. As I have mentioned before, after running away from home I was basically starving for 2 years. I had nothing and nobody to help. I worked 2 jobs just to cover the rent and expenses. Hardly any money left for food. I can't seem to get over that period. I am constantly scared I will be left with nothing again and will have to starve again. It's been 25 years and I still can't shake the fear. My losing my company in 2019 and not being able to get a job since, doesn't help at all. That constant fear deep inside of me and always at the back of my mind. My husband's income is hardly enough just to survive the month. My fear is flourishing. It's the feul for my ocd. For 2 years 2020-2022 I depended on my husband for my meals. I had a fridge in the next room but ocd wouldn't let me touch it. My husband went to work early in the mornings, I wouldn't eat anything till he came home and cooked a meal. With my rituals I would sometimes eat late in the evening. 1x a day. For 2 years. It scares the crap out of me just thinking about it. My ocd doesn't let me be able to take care of my financial security. And without money I am sacred to death every single second of every day. And ocd keeps reminding me that I will probably go hungry again and die from hunger if I don't do what it tells me to do since it is my only true friend. I on the other side have a feeling that one day I am just going to break and die from my own hand. I am completely alone in this. Even less support from my doctors than I thought I had. I thought my husband understood ocd, found out yesterday he has no idea, I am sick and tired of my life. I think I was a God's joke to the humanity. No good for myself, my own worst enemy, and no good for others. I know it's up to me to change things, but how do you do it without support and instructions from doctors, therapists,...? Steph, how do You do it? Don't know what to do. Each day I say to myself I would not eat sweets or overeat,... And I would only eat at certain times. The second I get the feeling of hunger in my stomach, I become nervous and feel sick and I sort of fight with the feeling of panic. I need to eat to calm the fear of hunger. Hmmm. Nuts, right?

Yeah! Nice thinking! Your first love sounds like a very kind and loving person. Do you think that our mind dictates the occurrence of ocd because it sees it as the protecting mechanism that will keeps us safe? Do you ever get the feeling, even just for a second, that you are happy ocd is present? It feels like a reliable and faithful friend. But just like in real life people's good intentions can be your stepping stones to hell, so ocd is trying to protect us with good intentions but for all the wrong reasons and in wrong ways. Ways that hurt us more than any ocd fear ever could. I don't know if it makes sense. Well in the end, an individual is better off without such friends and so is the ocd also unwelcome. Does Erp work for you? Have you tried it? How did you explain to your first partner and the present one what ocd is and why it is so hard to fight it? As a man, what would be the best way to explain it to you, so you would understand the illogical in a logical way, if you were an ocd free man? I need to find a way to explain it to my husband in a ocd for dummies kind of way but with information about my subtype that goes way beyond the checking, counting, washing hands,.. If you were my husband and you knew I was going through personal hell which affected you also, but you didn't quite understand why I don't just forget about it or dismiss the fears, how would your loved one need to approach you, what to say for you to finally fully grasp that it is a disorder, a disease and not just my personality quirk? If you answer that for me, I will be so grateful, I will send you the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek ever. By the way, how are you today? I went for a walk earlier. Forced myself to. And I did just over 10000 steps or 7,1 kms. I am beat now, but I feel proud of myself for going. I am glad you are here with us at NOCD. 🤗😊

Thanks. Ok. But let's find the time to do so at an hour that suits us both. I was awake till 3 hours and 40 min ago, which makes it 3 am here. 8 have just woken up, and it's 6:40h am now. I am soooo sleepy. I will try to get an hour or 2 more of sleep. When I am up again, I'll let you know. And we'll see if you are up at the same time and if you have the time. Or you'll tell me when it is OK for you. I font know where you're from and what the time difference is... For the time bring... Good night.

Thank you. The same back at you.