Giving up

My ocd and depression are already beating me down this morning. I’m so tired of feeling anxious, extremely sad, guilty, and going through all of my memories to make sure I didn’t sleep with someone else since being with my husband. I’ve never once in our entire relationship questioned if I’ve done that. Ever since that first thought appeared it’s making me wonder if I actually did it and can’t remember. It literally makes me sick to my stomach and freak out. All I wanna do is give up, because I can’t keep feeling like this😔

Clem.99

Date posted: 2y

This was me about a month ago. Try to remove yourself from your thoughts and remind yourself that these are ocd thoughts. Everyone has intrusive thoughts, the issue with ocd sufferers is we can't let them go because we equate meaning to them instead of letting them pass as the brain junk mail they are. I know when you're in the thick of it, it's easier said then done. Especially when all you've been doing is compulsion after compulsion. Delaying compulsions is a good way to start and actually helps long term too. Do you have an ocd therapist for ERP? Also what helped me a ton was reading as much as I could about ocd. Right now I'm reading everyday mindfulness for ocd and it's really good, it teaches you how to directly respond to ocd thoughts instead of the typical advice thats so difficult in the beginning of "don't engage with the thoughts", this book teaches you exactly how to not engage with them. Hang in there, i know it seems like things don't get better, but they do. A month ago i thought I'd never be normal and honestly I felt like what's the point, but now I'm doing much better. It'll get better for u too ❤️

KaraSmith761

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous.12345 “Junk mail” I love that! I’m trying to save up for ERP therapy, so hopefully I’ll be able to start soon. Do you know where I could find that book? Also do you have any advice on delaying mental compulsions? I’m struggling with trying to understand what to do about that!

Clem.99

Date posted: 2y

@KaraSmith761 That's great, ERP is where it's at! In the mean time though def check out your local library or bookstore. I'm pretty sure major bookstores will carry the book, but you might have to order online. If you have Amazon too I'm 99.9% they'll have it. I've been borrowing it from my local library, as well as a bunch of other books on ocd.

Clem.99

Date posted: 2y

@KaraSmith761 My old therapist wasn't an ocd specialist and back then i didn't realize i was dealing with an ocd episode but she told me to set "worry times" since my theme was taking over my life. I set one for the morning and one for the evening and between then whenever an ocd thought popped into my head, I'd say "no we're gonna deal with this at worry time". Honestly this helped so much. I'd give myself 30 mins and not go over that for worry time. Then i found myself not needing the morning worry time, and i got progressively better. I'm not sure if it's recommended by specialists but it worked for me when I couldn't not engage with the thoughts. Now, when i thought from my new theme pops up I'll tell myself "this is ocd and engaging with it isn't gonna make it better. This is a reflection of ocd, not me". Some themes are easier than others for me and some themes are easier after a while of compulsions but delaying always helps. There are lots of books that teach you the basics of ERP too that you can start implementing in the meantime while you wait for therapy

ObsessivelyC...

Date posted: 2y

As hard as it is to get through some days or most days. Just know that you are worth it to keep pushing through everyday. Sending you positive vibes to push through this.

KaraSmith761

Date posted: 2y

@Conspiracyofone1 Thank you so much, because sometimes I feel like I’m not worth it and he deserves so much better. I’m just having a really rough morning. I’ll keep trying.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

I don’t want to keep doing this

some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 15w

I don’t want to do this anymore

I’m struggling so much, I don’t know what’s changed. I was doing so well for a solid two months and now it’s been over a month of just my lowest point. My bf has gotten upset at how much I do compulsions and it’s taxing him too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be my partner right now. I feel exhausted I’m tired of my OCD finding new things to obsess or worry over. I’m so TIRED of getting stuck on technicalities. I’m so exhausted with the constant intrusive thoughts and intrusive thinking. I’m so sick of how compulsive I get when I’m so riddled with anxiety. I don’t want to keep pushing. It feels pointless if my life is going to be a constant loop of ups and extreme lows. I feel like such a disgusting, embarrassing person. I don’t want love because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t want patience or understanding because it makes me feel so guilty. Like no one is understanding how bad of person I could truly be. I’m so lost and tired of this

Vee <3

Date posted: 13w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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