Reflecting on my ocd journey

Sometimes I think back to the absolute lowest point of my ROCD/ocd and the depression it caused and I get so scared. I remember just feeling nothing but pain, constant pain. I couldn’t get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I was so desperate for relief that I thought I had to leave my boyfriend and that caused me such an incredible about of pain and depression. It was the worst absolute feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. The fact that ocd caused such a depression scares me. I’m medicated and I did and do ERP. I am much better from where I used to be a year ago. But sometimes when I think about that girl crying uncontrollably texting with her boyfriend as he said he just wanted her happy, feeling a slight relief at the thought that maybe the pain would be over if we did break up, confusion and fear because he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I didn’t want to break up, then more confusion because why was I feeling that way out of nowhere after years of being together? Sometimes I just think about those moments where I was so downhearted and destroyed by the thoughts and the constant rumination. Not sure how I survived. I get SO AFRAID I’ll go back to that terrible terrible indescribable feeling. It’s coming up on a year since I seeked out treatment. Since I began therapy. Since it felt like my brain broke. My love for boyfriend was the breaking point in getting help. Before ROCD and ocd took full control of my head I always felt like I was strong enough to get myself through things on my own, like I didn’t need medication or therapy. Oh but man was I wrong. The ocd and depression last summer was the most terrifying moments. My head was against me. But I held on. I swear I have ptsd from it. Ptsd from the depression and the intense dissociation. Sometimes I get so afraid I’ll go back to that place of darkness. After a year of fighting my way out of it and choosing my relationship over my intense fears and unexplainable anxiety. I’ve come very far but I still feel like I have much further to go, as last summer is still so FRESH in my head. I still have hard days but no where near as hard as last summer. I’d have to say I have a new found respect for my relationship and myself due to how hard I fought my ocd to keep it. I held on through the worst unexplainable depression of my life. Even now as I write this out and write that I love my boyfriend more then he’ll know, my ocd is in the back of my head doubting me. But that’s what I have to remind myself of, the ocd is just background music and I have the power to accept that it is there and tune it out. The ocd does not define me. The fears do not control me. I choose to love despite the ocd. I can feel the fear and do it anyway. Although I am scared, although I still get anxious, I am proud of myself for how far I’ve come since that girl last year. It’s a slippery slope and I’m so afraid of going back there, but I did make it through.