This is hell.

Please, I really need help right now. I know not to ask for reassurance, so all I am asking for is moral support and comfort. I am struggling with what I believe to be a false memory, as it feels virtually indistinguishable from a real memory. It happened almost immediately after the event, which brought great alarm, especially since I couldn’t sort through the gaps in time. The thing is, the images that popped into my head go against all my moral fibers. Deep down I know I would never— or even could ever—bring myself to jeopardize the well-being of anyone. In fact, the first night I had I repeated my actions a few times to prove nothing bad happened. I was able to sleep well at night with only the vague impression of something bad, I think. So, I payed no mind. The next day, it all worsened. I avoided compulsions for a while, but the thought lingered. It startled me, like I thought: “Maybe this is not OCD, what if it really did happened?” Of course, I listed all the reasons why it couldn’t possibly have happened. I physically repeated what I really believe, or hope, happened. Yesterday, or maybe the day prior, I was struck with a vivid image. Again, I avoided compulsions without much anxiety, then I caved in. I asked my family what they thought, watched some videos, and did some research to solidify that what I imagined is a false memory. None of which were much help for long. I even cried later that evening—a couple times. Every time I don’t react to the intrusive thought, a suspicion arises, like it of must be true. But how? I mean, it’s almost entirely improbable. After constantly trying to piece everything together, it just feels like a jumbled mess of fact and fiction. I’m having trouble moving on... I dealt with this in the past and later realized how silly I was, but it always sucks being in the middle of it. I am now questioning, what is real? what is fabricated? I am now unsure of myself and the true nature of who I am. OCD has stripped me of my confidence. I hate this. I truly feel alone and broken as of recent. I wish I could flash forward in time to show myself it’s all OCD trickery. But, unfortunately, I can’t. If this is OCD, I know I should not ask for reassurance, but can anyone give me comfort? Has anyone experienced something similar? If so, what did you do to better yourself? Can you give me some moral support? I am so mortified at the idea of past and prospect of the future. I don’t really have the want to eat as normal and have trouble sleeping at the sheer amount dread and doubt. Thank you and much love!

I’m so terrified because when I was a teenager I used to have a embarrassing and weird tickling fetish. No idea where it came from but it started around age 15 to maybe 19. I don’t have it anymore and I absolutely regret it 100% because of “self time” being involved. The fetish was the only thing I ever was part of mentally I never ever had any other intentions. Never. I used to go on ifunny and that’s where I would find artwork I guess related to the fetish. I stopped going to ifunny and around age 19 or something I went back and I remember the people in the artwork or whatnot would come across as being younger and I would skip them and try to find more “appropriate” I guess I don’t even know how to explain this but I know it’s something other people may have struggled with as well and I hold a lot of regret and shame even though I had literally no bad intentions whatsoever it was for a stupid fetish but the ocd has attached to it for many years now and it scares me to death what it tries to convince me is real when I pray to God it is not. I feel so terrible for that time I went back to ifunny but I remember I got uncomfortable and got rid of the app. I never had bad intentions and I know that for sure. I just feel so incredibly horrible all time time about what I didn’t know when I was younger and I should have. Not long after everything I developed ocd and the worst theme I’ve ever dealt with is POCD and also real event too. My self esteem is shot. There’s nothing that makes me feel alive anymore because I absolutely cannot stand myself. I’ve wanted to give up countless times. I have so much fear all the time. I’m going on vacation this weekend with my family and I feel like I don’t deserve to go or have fun. My birthday is next weekend and it’s just another day for me and I tell people not to get me anything because I feel as I don’t deserve it or anything joyful or happy. I don’t know what to do. This is embarrassing to talk about but it’s what I’m dealing with and I hate it with a passion of how stupid I was when I was younger. I’m almost 24. I can’t even move on with my life because I feel like I don’t deserve to 💔

hii everyone, so, it has been about 2 or 3 years I’d say since I’ve been dealing with this. let’s just get right into it, so first, whatever I have (which might be OCD, I’m not entirely sure what it is) has taken over basically most of my childhood, and what kills me is that I’ll never get it back. one thing I know is that im not normal, i now get sleepless nights. why you may ask? because of my horrifying thoughts, “if you don’t look up you’ll be praying to the devil and you’ll go to hell!” “if you don’t say ‘God bless them’ their condition will happen to you!” “if you don’t say ‘good yetho 2x’ (idek..) ‘your mom will die 5x’ you’ll die and forget how to read. “if you don’t put your arms up, look directly up at the ceiling because if you look down you’ll pray to the devil so you need to look up, and say ‘Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you forgive me for my sins in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.’ you’ll go straight to hell!” or whenever I touch a wall, i need to touch it with my small finger because if I touch it twice with my pointer finger my body will go to hell. it’s an endless cycle, and what’s even worse is that I may never be able to get help. I’ll never get that life back that I wanna live, and it kills me. I’ve named most of the compulsions and obsessions I have and I have 18 compulsions that are physical and about 5 obsessions that I really don’t wanna name right now. anyway, i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve done a lot of research regarding around disorders, and it’s safe to say that I may have OCD. Now, do i want ocd? absolutely not. however, there’s a family member in my family who has it. so the chances of me having it are strong, i don’t think I’m able to get better until I’m 18. an adult. I’m 12 years old, my mom has noticed my compulsions and me repeating certain words. but she does nothing, absolutely nothing. instead, she just argues with me over it. if I ever tell my mom to sit down and ask her about getting a test, she would probably call me the R-Slur and tell me I’m crazy. Therefore, I’m all alone in this situation with no one to help me. another obsession I have is about me catching cancer if I don’t do a compulsion or I might get paralyzed and get sleep paralysis. It’s so horrifying, there’s more obsessions and compulsions I have but I really don’t wanna name them right now. I cry almost every day because of how exhausted I am, and how much help i truly want to get but I don’t think I ever will. I’m unsure whether or not I have ocd, people tell me to get a diagnosis. but the situation I am in right now makes it impossible. i have no way of getting tested but I have a good feeling I have ocd, if you’re reading this, please try to give me your thoughts and what I should do, and if I even have OCD. Thanks! :))