False Memory, idk how to shut it up + somatic

So. I was in a traumatic relationship. for a long time. it was filled with gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, cheating ect. I would OBSESS over finding out where they were, what they were doing, who they were talking too. but I couldn’t leave. I tried so hard but I never could. they would call me names, physically hurt me, throw things, break things. because I would question them all the time. but I just couldn’t leave. no matter what I knew. they would manipulate me. I fell for their childhood trauma. it’s like I lost all logic. but I also feel like I have a pretty good memory with memories. not all the way, but remembering a lot of the traumatic things. especially now that I’m no longer with them. I keep remembering things that’s happened. even from my childhood. one time way before I even started dating this person, I had an intrusive thought about a friend of mine. that was with me. and I freaked out. I thought I had acted on the intrusive thought the next day. I asked my friend for confirmation but they said nothing happened. but the memories about it feel SO REAL. so VIVID. but they swore that nothing happened and they had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts for my whole life. so fast forward to now, that ‘false memory’ from my friend randomly popped up and I started obsessing about it, and my childhood ‘memories’ that have popped up. and then I was reading an article of someone doing something horrible, and then it sounded ‘familiar’ and so then I’ve created this whole memory of me doing something similar to the article involving my partner doing it also. the memory keeps adding new things and conversations around it. when it involves an actual real memory. but it’s like it’s been twisted from what I remembered before. I also suffer from bad anxiety. I’ve stalked pictures. my search history to figure out what I was doing that say when the real event happened. and I’ve found some things but I can’t look through my texts because I got a new phone. it has been hounding me for months. MONTHS. trying to figure out if this new ‘memory’ is real or not. if it’s been fabricated by an intrusive thought from reading the article and thinking ‘what if’ or if it actually happened and because I’m no longer in this relationship it’s a ‘repressed memory’ but the thing is I have horrible horrible anxiety and I don’t think I could have gone this long knowingly that that happened without remembering it until now. because I remember a lot of the horrible things that they did. this ‘memory’ is fuzzy, but it brings me horrible anxiety when I think of it, like I feel like it happened. but I also feel like it didn’t happen. because I know I would never do anything like that. but WHAT IF I DID, because I was manipulated. idk. is this a false memory. I really need help. because it’s been debilitating. that relationship was really traumatic. and I got manipulated into a lot of things. but I wouldn’t have just went forward knowing that that happened??? there’s no way I could have just forgotten it. because before when I would think about that night it was different, until now. but what if I just made myself forget what truly happened?? I’m a pretty self aware individual, but somehow that relationship really REALLY put me into a trance somehow where I allowed things that I have no idea how I would even allow because before I met that person I would have never allowed someone to cheat on my constantly or talk to me the way they did. or allow abuse. like I don’t understand it.

False memory OCD is such a pest. It’s really hard to deal with the feelings of certainty and anxiety, trying to discern if things are false memories or real memories, what if they’re real memories, what if my OCD is right, what if because my OCD was right about one thing it’s also right about this thing, what if it knows something I don’t or haven’t realized yet, what if the real memory it’s taking from is actually false and the false memory is true. And it’s worse because the theme and false memory is so high stakes and it’s terrifying to consider what if it’s actually true and the consequences, but that only feeds the OCD, and it doesn’t help that I keep mentally prodding at it to see if the feelings of certainty are still there. It makes the false memories seem so real, and it’s like it wants me to admit the false memory actually happened when I don’t know that it did, and I’ll never know. I try to sit with the uncertainty but my OCD makes this feel so real and it creates so much certainty that this did happen that it’s so hard to keep telling myself that I don’t know, that this could be a real memory or it might not be and I’ll never know, and to remember that this came up a few days ago and I was pretty sure it was a false memory and I was handling it. Like remembering the false memory made it an actual memory. I have no idea if any of this makes any sense - it’s getting so meta lol. Reading all of this, it’s no wonder it’s so hard to sit with the uncertainty about if it’s a real memory or false. It’s been on my mind over the last week, too, which probably doesn’t help things, because the deeper I try to delve into it, the more complicated it becomes, and trying to point out that logically, it doesn’t make any sense, doesn’t help because my OCD comes up with scenarios and what-ifs and ways that this could have happened. It’s really tough to sit with when my OCD is so convinced this is true and it wants me to be convinced, too. I could really use some support, validation, encouragement, anything. If you made it this far, thanks for reading - please take care of yourselves. ❤️🤗

I’m reaching out for educational and self-awareness purposes, hoping to better understand something I’ve been mentally struggling with for several years. Around five years ago, I began having a deeply distressing memory involving the fear that I may have acted inappropriately toward my younger sister when I was around 13–14 years old. The details are vague, fragmented, and unclear—but ever since this thought first appeared, I’ve treated it as if it were a real event. I’ve carried immense guilt, fear, and anxiety for years, convinced that I must have done something horrible. Despite asking my sister (who remembers absolutely nothing, has never shown signs of discomfort, and has told me more than once that she would’ve spoken up if anything had happened), the doubt and guilt never went away. The memory feels real, yet there is no external confirmation, no direct recall, and no evidence beyond my own mental images and fear. I’ve also struggled with obsessive thoughts in other areas, such as health anxiety since childhood—frequent doctor visits, checking my pulse, obsessing over illness—and only recently learned about false memory OCD, which aligns with my experience. I’m not currently seeking therapy but would greatly appreciate your professional opinion from an educational perspective: Does this sound more like a real memory, or more likely a false memory created by OCD or anxiety-related mechanisms I am stuck between a normal person or a s*xual abuser