I am so tired. Help.

God, the amount of posts I have made on here is sick to myself. I feel horrible for reaching out for help constantly. I keep coming back to those compulsions about my ex partner. The abuse and trauma, an fearing seeing them again. I just want to be normal and be one with my fiancé. My biggest trouble I am having currently is that I keep feeling like what if I still want my ex partner, (EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I DONT) and my upcoming marriage fails. It’s paining me and I am hurt so badly by these thoughts and feeling like I am disappointing my partner. I feel good and perfect for weeks to months then all of a sudden a weird thought comes to my head and I meditate. I do meditation to banish these thoughts but also to tell my mind I have moved on. Then, the moment after I finish that, I start to ruminate and have several different compulsions. I am so so so so so tired mentally. I am scared because I start to get suicidal during times where my OCD lashes at me. I have no way of controlling it. We marry is 2026. We decided not to do it now because we still have things we want to accomplish before we tie the knot. I just don’t know what there will be to accomplish if I keep this pattern going. I am scared. I am depressed and I am defeated. I am honestly just reaching out for help, and I am sorry if this offends anyone or triggers any harm OCD you may have. If anyone can reply or someone just anyone it would be so appreciative.

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

Sorry you are struggling. Don’t feel bad for asking for help. We l need it at times. Residential treatment is another option - it helped me a lot. Some, like Rogers Behavioral take insurance.

Isabella G.

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P I could try. I am scared.

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@Isabella G. It was a really good experience for me - I went from being in living hell to having joy again.

Isabella G.

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P I’ll look into it. My biggest problem is comparing myself to others, and wondering why I am so abnormal in my mind compared to others. I think it evens goes back to the abuse I suffered, thinking I am not good enough because the way I was left after being abused and had to fend on my own made me insecure.

Isabella G.

Date posted: 2y

@Erin P It scares me to think I am not healed when in reality it doesn’t bother me anymore. My mind creates scenarios to put walls in place of my emotions to not get hurt. I want to escape that, because I know in the end I am strong. My fiancé is all I want and all I desire. What if I can’t give him that?

Erin P

Date posted: 2y

@Isabella G. Others in higher level treatment have often been through abuse / trauma so you would not be alone or “abnormal”. You can give the love and companionship you have to give - if someone loves you that is enough.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Hi! I just wanted to say I relate to your story a lot and I feel very similarly. But I know that you can do this and you will be happy and fulfilled in your life with your partner who loves you. Please take care and know you’re doing the right thing ❤️❤️💪🏼

Ihateocd72

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Hi! Do you think you could check yourself into a mental hospital? They helped me when I felt like I was teetering on the brink with my suicidal ocd.

Isabella G.

Date posted: 2y

@hellokittylover27 I have gotten bakeracted before. But, it was only for the 72 hours they allow.

Ihateocd72

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Isabella G. I think they could keep you longer if you were to go in voluntary, that’s what I did, but I’m not sure what state you live in but you’re definitely not alone. I’m sorry :(

Isabella G.

Date posted: 2y

@hellokittylover27 It’s ok. I am ok. Thank you for believing me.

Clean freak 411

Date posted: 2y

Look into trama therapy ! Brain spotting really helped me !

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