King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

ROCD Question

I have currently starting dating a lovely woman. Everything about her is perfect except that she is not my usual ‘type’. She does not have the usual long hair and ultra femme style that I usually go for. I am worried that she is not attractive enough and I hate myself for even thinking that. (She is cute as a button, just not the adrenaline rush I am used to) I worry that I am not going to be as into her as she is into me. I am petrified of hurting her. Since I now know the tricks my mind plays, I have continued to see her, because she’s wonderful and I want so much to make it work with her. I just can’t shake the fear that I am going to hurt her and I that it’s my responsibility to protect her from that. Even though I KNOW that I DON’T KNOW how it will turn out. Words of encouragement are appreciated. Thank you!

Relationship OCD

Sunshine&flo...

Date posted: 1y ago

I think what your referring to is the infatuation/ lust phase. Not everyone has that from the start. Everyone's relationship experience is different but people try to make you believe Everyone's should be the same. I don't have that with my bf of 1.5 years. I think what's key to remember, and what I'm still trying to learn about love is that as long as there is a level of attraction- and I don't mean it has to be off the charts, but a level of physical attraction coupled with shared values and some interests, you're at a good place to build something special. You said she's cute- to me that means you have a level of attraction. Give it time to really get to know her before moving on. I've heard that she of the most loving and long lasting relationships start like this.

King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sunshineflowers7 Thanks so much. I am noticing that the more time she and I spend together, the more attractive I am finding her. I’m starting to find her ‘sexy’ even. 😀 I am SO glad I didn’t listen to that initial voice telling me to head for the hills. She might actually be what I ‘ve been looking for this whole time. 🙏

Sunshine&flo...

Date posted: 1y ago

@King Knight That's awesome! Just know this- sometimes we may not find our partner attractive and other times we find them very attractive. Try not to let this discourage you. This happens, so try not to put too much weight on it. I try to remember, you don't fall in love with a face or a body, you fall in love with a PERSON. Who they are in their heart. A level of attraction is important but put more weight on your mental connection. Wish you all the best 🙂

King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sunshineflowers7 I needed to hear this. I have traditionally put a lot of weight on physical attraction. Probably more so than I realized. Of course SOME level of physical attraction is necessary, but it always had to be at an 11 for me. I am really intent now on seeing the WHOLE person and thinking about what kind of person I want to grow old with. Thank you. Wishing you all the best as well. 🙂

Sunshine&flo...

Date posted: 1y ago

@King Knight Even if you were with someone who was an 11 on your physical attraction scale- she would not stay that way forever. People age, bodies change. It's inevitable. Learning to accept people's flaws (personality and physical) is what true love is all about.

King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sunshineflowers7 So true. This has become more and more clear to me. And not a moment too soon! 😆

angelsnax

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I can relate to your post. I was told by a therapist that not all attention/healthy relationships offer the burst of dopamine that I’m addicted to. My previous relationship was with a violent narcissist and even though it was toxic, it provided me with the dopamine levels I was looking for. I, too, want the dopamine rush that I’ve had with a couple of past relationships and thought that’s what is supposed to happen if they are the right one. My thought has always been: if that rush isn’t there then they’re not the right one and I move on. Looking back I hurt really great people that would have been healthy for me. I’m still searching/waiting but as I talk to new people I keep that in the back of my mind. Good luck to you.

King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

Exactly! I totally always thought that if I wasn't immediately obsessed and filled with butterflies and lightning bolts, then it must not be the right connection. Turns out we might have been lied to! Ha. It's totally retraining the brain to not want or need those dopamine hits. If it weren't for NOCD and my new found awareness of my disorder, I would not be giving this relationship a chance. I'm so glad that I am. I wish you the best of luck! Your person is out there.

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@King Knight I think the “zing” being super important is also just like, media, books and movies really playing it up and having that *~*chemistry~*~ be the most important element of a relationship. And like it’s not, not in real life.

King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

@JazzCrab - You're so right. And the reminder that it wears off regardless is so key! I read somewhere that the endorphin rush is so that we can procreate and then wears off after 2 years so that we can now raise the children. (these chemicals happen whether a child is in the picture or not) Probably explains why I have never had a relationship last past 2 years. I start my ERP tomorrow and I am beyond excited to break free from the chains that have kept me bound to an old fashioned and unrealistic idea of what a relationship is supposed to look and feel like.

King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

Editors note: I am attracted to her, what’s missing is the extra high chemistry and endorphin rush that I have gotten in the past. Those last women were narcissists and were not healthy. This one is SO healthy. I do not want my rOCD to blow it for me.

JazzCrab

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@King Knight So, the thing about the rush that you’re talking about, or like the “zing” is that it’ll fade over time if you have it initially. There have been people I’ve dated that I felt an instant chemical attraction to, and it didn’t work out for various reasons. My fiancé, I’m super attracted to, but I never felt that specific ZING when kissing him or anything. Doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to him, it’s just that our chemicals didn’t line up in that specific way. Those chemicals will eventually get used to each other if you do have them, and they’ll wear off in 1-2 years usually when your bodies adapt to each others chemistry. So what makes a long lasting relationship isn’t the chemical attraction, but how your life fits with the other person’s life, if you’re fulfilling each other’s needs, love spending time together, etc. Obviously attraction is important, but if you’re attracted to her, then I’d say you’re good! Enjoy your new relationship and see what comes of it.

King Knight

Date posted: 1y ago

@JazzCrab Thanks for this! Some days I get confused as to whether I really am attracted to her or not simply because that ‘zing’ is lacking. Great to get that reassurance that I don’t need to count her out. Thanks so much. I will try to keep enjoying it without letting the intrusive thoughts talk me out of it!

George R25

Date posted: 22w ago

Dating paranoia

I've just started dating this really great girl. She doesn't know about my ocd which is fine but I've noticed that a lot of my intrusive thoughts and worries about not following routines now revolve around losing her or her believing I'm a bad person. I just don't want this relationship to make me so paranoid. I also know have this where if I see a girl on my Instagram or on the Internet, I'll feel an overwhelming urge to clean myself and the device I viewed it on. This is part of a moral reaction and I also worry I'm not being loyal. I feel I should try and not follow through with these compulsions but as they now revolve around keeping my girlfriend I'm not sure. Any advice?

sgray4

Date posted: 19w ago

Relationship doubts

I’ve been struggling with relationship OCD and differentiating between what is an intrusive thought and what is a real doubt. I was really happy with my partner then I got one aggressive thought that I didn’t love him and this spiralled into noticing all his flaws. I struggle being around him because I feel a huge sense of guilt that these thoughts even come into my head and I cannot figure out if this is my brain lying to me or this is how I feel. It’s really impacting a relationship that is so important to me.

Relationship OCD

Kas_C

Date posted: 12w ago

Relationship OCD

I’ve just recently found out that Relationship OCD is a thing. I feel like I relate but it also feels like relationship trauma. I’m in a fairly new relationship and I keep telling myself that things are going great, we are good, he cares for me, but does he? There’s this unbelievable amount of self doubt that sits in me because of what my ex did to me many months ago. I kept getting told that I do too much, i smother, need constant reassurance, then got told that I don’t care enough, the things I do aren’t enough and that I’m not enough. I feel like I am waiting for the day that I get broken up with because of these “problems” just so I can be proven right at the fact that I should be considered unlovable. I go through this every month around my period because I get so emotional and nervous that I stress over the idea that he doesn’t like me. How does someone continue a relationship with Relationship OCD? How do I explain it?

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