ROCD Question

My therapist said to be that she wasn’t sure if I have ROCD on my call to her yesterday and now I feel really anxious! I love my boyfriend I desperately want things to work out between us but my obsession is I worry that I’m not attracted to him like the spark is missing. The more I get to know him the closer I feel to him and I adore him. No he’s not my usual type and I think In the beginning this held me back getting close to him as I had a very strict idea of what I wanted and I would always discount anyone who fit didn’t fit that type without getting to know them (shallow yes)! But with him I’ve fallen in love with non superficial things but this past idea of ‘type’ is stopping me from being completely vulnerable as I think I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s wrong as it isn’t the person I imagined myself being with in my head. Like if things are going well I tell myself ‘ don’t fool yourself you’re only going to hurt him in the long run cause he’s not your type deep down.’ I worry about what other people will think , like I worry about people making negative comments about him and I hate that I care about that. I’ve always cared what other people think of me too much and now I’ve projected this onto my boyfriend. In the past I’ve never properly loved someone as I always selfishly picked someone who I thought looked good next to me kind of thing , I haven’t had many serious relationships where I’ve shown my true self it’s been all about flirting and proving to myself that I was good enough to be with that person to be honest. With my boyfriend it’s so different we know each other so well we have so much in common and I just need some advice now :(

I should start by saying I have never been diagnosed with OCD or any mental disorder, but I’ve been researching ROCD per my girlfriend’s suggestion on and off for 6+ months now, and all of the symptoms and descriptions have hit home for me. However, I worry that I’m using ROCD as an excuse for continuously convincing myself she’s enough for me. The core of my fears is finding others attractive, and more attractive, than her — when I see a cute girl, or someone with features I naturally desire, my ruminations/episodes begin. After that it doesn’t take long to lead to doubting the validity of the entire relationship, and whether I even love her at all or want to be with her. It doesn’t help that we go to a university, so I’m inevitably surrounded by attractive people constantly. My main fear is that I’m settling for her appearance, even though I’m attracted to her and, truth is, I think she is hotter than me. And I feel like I tell myself that the only thing wrong with her is her appearance, because she is everything I want otherwise (personality, compatibility), but she’s just not my physical type. Every time that these fears and doubts build up from rumination, we talk about it. The end factor is that it almost always ends up being a result of intrusive thoughts. In fact, the last time we talked about this (about two weeks ago), we had makeup sex and I had an intrusive thought of a particular girl that’s in one of my classes. I did everything I could to purge this thought so I could enjoy the moment, and eventually it subsided — but I found myself “checking” by opening my eyes and staring at her throughout for reassurance that it’s her I want. I then told her about it right afterwards because of the massive guilt I felt, and she was a bit less understanding (rightfully..). We’re now at a breaking point, where she loves me and I’m pretty sure I love her, but I’m still having these doubts and I don’t know what to do to deal with them. I am convincing myself that they are significant and important because of their consistency now that it has been 8 months of us dating. I have told her I need time to think about this and figure out what I want, and I know this is destroying her, so I need to decide to break up or not now, because I can’t stand knowing she’s going through this. At what point am I just fighting this “gut feeling” because I know I’m settling, or is it just ROCD lying to me because she is so important to me?

I have been so stressed and confused as of recently over a guy l've been getting to know and I don't know what to do. I can't trust my own emotions anymore. He's a great guy and as l've been getting to know him I've found that we have a lot of common and he's very sweet, but have so many doubts and feelings that I don't like him. And I'm worried and confused. I don't know what to do. There isn't inherently anything wrong with him in terms of morals and character, he just acts goofy and sometimes dumb. And it makes me think negatively of him and it’s frustrating that I do. It keeps pushing me farther and farther away And I don't want to let these thoughts bug me or overshadow the good things. I'm so confused. I can’t tell if these thoughts and feelings mean I should leave. I don’t want to leave. But now I’m also worried that maybe I just don’t want to leave because I’m scared. I don't want to be irrational about it. I don’t know what to do