I don’t know what I want anymore

I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. I’ve been going to therapy for OCD for 6 months and I haven’t gotten much better. The only thing that feels better is that I know I have OCD. I feel like I am in a trance or something where I just cannot help myself. Im in some type of loop where I feel like I have no motivation to better myself and improve. I don’t know if I like hanging out with my friends anymore and I don’t know what im supposed to like. This is a living nightmare and the brain fog only makes it worse. I am only getting agitated and angrier and I am just so tired of this sickness.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Ive definitely been there/am there. Its like, where does my personality start versus the OCD? Where is the "line?" Is this something I enjoy/hate/want to achieve because of my OCD, or because of my personality? Do I even have a personality, or am I just a collection of symptoms from the DSM-5? It makes it hard to want to do anything because you never know what "place" that motivation is coming from or if it's genuine. For me it's like do I even want to go to grad school, or is this just another perfectionistic OCD tendency? Do I even want to get married/be in a relationship, or is that just an expectation I have imposed on me by friends and family? Even silly stuff like "do I even like cats?? Do I even like the video games I play or am I just a completionist?", things I have liked since the very moment I had memory. Because of that, I'm stagnant because I feel like I can't make any decision until I know. But tbh, what I'm learning is that you won't ever know, do you might as well just go along with it. Maybe I don't want to get married, but I'm gonna try it out, and it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out. Maybe I want to hurt myself, but I'm just gonna give this "living" thing a better go. Maybe I will hurt someone I care about or a complete stranger, but I have to trust that both myself and others are capable of taking care of themselves and the sun will rise in the morning, regardless of any outcome.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 1y ago

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Username: bouncydog21bouncydog21

Date posted: 1y ago

@Catlove9 makes me feel better that i am not alone🙌

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Man I feel this, my memory has gotten so much worse and the motivation to do anything is hard. What I learned is despite the anxiety, you just have to do whatever it is your mind is telling you not to do. I know it’s easier said than done because I do give in myself, but I remind myself that the anxiety will subside and that’s one thing I look forward to. I wish I had better advise but I can resonate with you because while I’ve made progress, I’m always anxious and I just hope it’ll get better.

Username: Anonymous170Anonymous170

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous My memory is going to shit and it’s so scary

Username: McDuckoMcDucko

Date posted: 1y ago

Is your therapist doing ERP? Have you tried medication? Has your therapist tried to help build your self-esteem? There's a lot that can go into effective treatment and sometimes you need to layer your approach. If you haven't, tell your therapist you're not making progress and that you think you need more help. Make them work for you.

Username: Raider916Raider916

Date posted: 1y ago

I can relate. I was in an intensive outpatient program for 4 months, and I don't feel like I've gotten much better. I have the tools, but don't have the focus. It sounds like depression for you, as well. Its so frustrating to feel this way and deal with this each day. I have no interest in anything now. Remember who you are though!! Try to find things that make you feel good.

Username: JewelsandgemsJewelsandgems

Date posted: 1y ago

Maybe ask urself everyday whats one thing that would make today great and try to do it? Or get a kitten!

Username: Make the mos...

Date posted: 3y ago

I don’t know if I’m ever going to get better, if I’m ever going to feel good, if I’m ever going to be able to carry on with this 10 years down the road. It’s torture with no exit, for me recently. Every time I bring up my OCD around family, they get annoyed. I can’t go to friends because it has only been of temporary relief. I am literally tearing up as I write this. I’m afraid I’m so close to convincing myself of the horrible lies my OCD has been telling me. I just can’t, I don’t know if there’s anyone or thing that can make me feel better. It’s been like lifting gigantic boulder up a steep mountain the entire day—and I could be crushed by it if not careful. If there is a god, why must he put me through this? I have already been through some many enough hard times in life, this OCD has only magnified any insecurities, anxieties, feeling of loneliness, self hate, and negative emotions.

Username: anonymous314

Date posted: 1y ago

Vent

I’ve been feeling extremely depressed because of my existential OCD. Even when i think of recovery and therapy, i feel like “what point is there in going back to how it was, or finding joy in things” there are moments when I do get happy and in those moments a thought pops up like “what even is anything” “what is existence” or “is death even real” and i’m also getting intrusive thoughts regarding my own consciousness which also gets very weird. All of this is accompanied by dissociation and apocalyptic feelings. It’s been 2 months since my ocd relapse. I have gotten better but when i acknowledge my progress, once again i feel like there’s no point. these thoughts/ feelings don’t feel like OCD but as if i’ve discovered some truth of life and now nothing will be the same. I haven’t started ERP yet, my therapist and i are currently more focused on ACT, acceptance and commitment (which is often given along side ERP) I will start ERP soon but i think all i’ll be focusing on is how dumb it is, and i know it’s not but it feels like i’m convinced it isn’t gonna work. I know this is classic OCD but it feels like this. I also deal with hyperawareness ocd (thinking about thinking taking place) and it makes me feel like there’s somebody in my head when, it’s quite literally my own inner voice that i’m sort of producing (?) I feel like it wouldn’t let me focus during erp and it all just feels so hopeless. I’m a minor and my parents are against medication and they talk about it like it’s the worst thing in the world which has heightened my fear of meds. I’m so sad and done with all this

Username: Bondgirl#88

Date posted: 28w ago

Depression Anxiety and OCD

I feel like my body and mind are just so tired of being stuck in these same mental loops of torment with OCD and don’t know how to do anything else. I feel exhausted from not being able to cure myself out of these thoughts and self-destructive habits and that I’m not going to make it out of them because I’ve been tied down to this illness for so long. I wish things could have been different growing up and I took care of myself better so I wouldn’t have gotten so negative and loved myself more so these thoughts wouldn’t be so potent. I’ve had OCD most of my life, and I just don’t get how other people can live their lives normally and not suffer so heavily. I get really mad knowing I’m stuck in this vicious cycle and other people can enjoy life so easily. And now the summer is coming and it’s when I get the most depressed and feel so helpless from sadness, and my OCD has only just gotten worse. I feel like I just don’t have the energy to take care of myself anymore, and hate how anxious I am about actually telling people what’s going on with me in fear of judgment and not accepting me, so I just go along with self-sabotaging habits. I’m also afraid that nobody is going to want to help me. This only makes things worse, and it’s really hard for me to be happy. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. It makes it so hard to function as a human since I’ve been struggling for so long. I feel so disconnected from God because of this illness, and it only makes me more upset with myself for lack of effort and feel depressed. Please if someone is struggling with something similar or has advice, reach out ❤️

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I don’t know what I want anymore

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