Moral OCD comes before my partner

Hi. I am going through something really hard right now, and I could use some insight, especially from others who deal with OCD and morality-based spirals. There was a time during a really emotional conversation with my boyfriend when he said something incredibly painful. He said something like he only felt lust for me but did not feel love anymore. I was completely crushed. It felt like everything I believed about our relationship was ripped out from under me. In that moment, I told him that what he said felt like rape. I want to be really clear. I knew even then that it was not a good or accurate comparison. It was not assault. I was trying to express how emotionally violated and broken I felt, and that word came out. I even labeled it directly, not just compared it, and that is what has been haunting me. I feel like I kept going along with it, not because I wanted to lie or manipulate, but because I felt like if I backed down from it, he would not understand the depth of how hurt I was. He didn’t seem to understand any other way. Later, when we tried to be intimate again, I told him not to touch me. And even though a part of me did want closeness, I still felt like I had to react that way, like I had to follow through with what I had said earlier. I wanted so bad for him to understand the impact of his words. That part is killing me. It makes me feel like I was not being authentic, that I was performing a reaction instead of living it. I feel like I acted like a survivor when I was not one, and I hate myself for that. Now, OCD is eating me alive over it. It keeps telling me I am a liar, a manipulator, and someone who cannot be trusted. And it feels so real. But I also know I was hurting. I was not trying to deceive anyone. I was just overwhelmed, desperate to be understood, and probably influenced by years of invalidation from my family over almost everything. I have talked to my boyfriend about it and apologized. He told me he understands and forgives me. But I cannot forgive myself, and I do not know if what I did is forgivable. Has anyone ever been in a similar place? I feel so so awful this was 3 years ago. Now I feel like I can’t trust any of my emotions. I’m analyzing every reaction, past and present, trying to decide if it was “real enough” or if I was somehow dishonest. It feels like OCD has completely hijacked my sense of self. Please help :(

I’m currently in a very emotionally stressful situation with my partner. We had a huge argument because I did something I had promised not to do again: I looked at my ex-partner’s profile. To me, it didn’t have any real emotional meaning. It was impulsive, meaningless, almost automatic. But my partner was deeply hurt – and I understand why. I told him about it. We talked. It was hard. But after that, things got even worse for me. I suddenly remembered that it didn’t just happen once. And since then, I’ve been stuck in this thought loop and I don’t know if it’s OCD or not So, should I tell him that it was more than once?”– if I should tell him, even if it might mean he’ll leave me. Should I confess this? I urgently need advice. I don’t know if this is OCD or not – the thought suddenly came to me in that situation. I have been formally diagnosed with OCD. But if I know that my partner would see this as very serious and might possibly leave me over it – shouldn’t I still tell him? I feel so awful and I’m having panic attacks. Is this OCD?

I’ve been gone for about a month, mostly because I kept seeing messages on here that felt super anxiety-inducing and not understanding of OCD at all. Honestly, it got to the point where I started getting nervous to even open the app. Lately, I’ve been stuck in this OCD loop that I think might be moral scrupulosity or something like that. I’ve been dealing with this thing where I feel like I have to “challenge” stuff mentally or verbally, like if I don’t say something out loud, it feels super uncomfortable. And the thoughts are about heavy stuff, like assault or deportation or just really morally loaded topics. My brain starts picking everything apart. It’s like I have to look at things fairly, and then I get trapped in all these little technicalities. For example, if someone gets assaulted, my brain fixates on stuff like “what was she wearing”even though I know how harmful that line of thinking is. That is exactly the kind of thing my mind zooms in on. It happens with a bunch of topics too, not just that. I feel like I have to give the benefit of the doubt to the aggressor or see “both sides,” and then I end up doubting the victim. And the worst part is, it feels like I truly believe these devil’s advocate thoughts. It feels so real. It’s like I become convinced that the victim might be lying or that there’s some justification for the harm, and I don’t like it. This even happens with my boyfriend and especially his family. I’ll catch my brain flipping narratives or making me question people I trust. this has been a “habit”for as long as I can remember but now it’s happening so much more. I cannot stop doubting. It feels like I’m siding with people who I should have no doubts to be against. I don’t know what to do or what kind of ERP would work for this. I don’t know how to change this. It’s been apart of me so long, it simply feels like me.