- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
Please Read (POCD/Harm OCD/Pure OCD)
I’ve been dealing with OCD my entire life but over the past two years it has spiraled out of control at times. I deal with various subtypes, most commonly Pure OCD, Harm OCD, Real Event OCD, Perfectionism OCD and now within this past year POCD. For the Pure/Harm OCD it consists of things such as thinking I ran someone over while driving my car when I hit a bump in the road. I used to turn around like 15-20 times a week but now I don’t turn around at all. But these intrusive thoughts have been replaced with thoughts such as when I’m at the gym and it makes me think I inappropriately touched someone even tho I did not. Or if I’m walking by someone on the street/at the store it’ll make me think I inappropriately touched someone or physically assaulted them. I’ve never done anything like that in my life and I never would but I’ll catch myself repeating affirmations like “I never did that, I never will do that, I’m all good.” And I usually have to say it 3 times or in sets of 3 because that’s been my satisfying number for ocd throughout my life. The POCD one has become the most exhausting and disturbing though to me. It’s so frustrating because I would never do anything related to that in my life but now I can’t even look at my brother/his wife’s pictures of their kids because of the intrusive thoughts. And recently I had an exhausting intrusive thought that I still haven’t completely gotten over since last Wednesday. I was at a restaurant with my friends and I went to the bathroom and was waiting for a stall/urinal to open up. A kid walked out one of the stalls, I did not say anything, I did not do anything at all but of course my intrusive thoughts started spiraling out of control saying “what if you just inappropriately touched him or grabbed him or said something messed up” and all sorts of stuff. It definitely did not help that we smoked weed before which I know made my anxiety spike even more with the intrusive thoughts. But I know I never did that and would never do such a thing, plus my friend was in the bathroom in the other stall and another random person was at the urinal so obviously if anything were to happen they would’ve been aware. But I made the mistake when I got home with going through my usual disproving process and listing all the reasons why I did not do that and why I never would do that and recalling all of the people who were in there with me and how they would’ve known if that happened and recalling small details like joking with my friend about “being that guy” because he was not about to wash his hands and him saying “usually I am that guy but since we’re about to get food I’ll wash my hands.” And then me holding the door for a random guy plus my friend and then my friend saying “see he’s that kind of guy” because he did not wash his hands. I know I wouldn’t be able to remember small details like that and just completely forget or be uncertain with something as serious as those intrusive thoughts. But the OCD keeps saying “how do you know for sure, are you certain, what if you’re suppressing it”? I know that was a lot but I’ve just been so stressed out and would really appreciate anyone’s input. Thank you and have a blessed day!