POCD/False Memory Episode

POCD has become the most exhausting and disturbing intrusive thoughts to me. It’s so frustrating because I would never do anything related to that in my life but now I can’t even look at my brother/his wife’s pictures of their kids because of the intrusive thoughts. I recently had an exhausting intrusive thought that I still haven’t completely gotten over since last Wednesday. I was at a restaurant with my friends, and I went to the bathroom and was waiting for a stall/urinal to open up. A kid walked out of one of the stalls, I did not say anything, I did not do anything at all but of course my intrusive thoughts started spiraling out of control saying “what if you just inappropriately touched him or grabbed him or said something messed up” and all sorts of stuff. It definitely did not help that we smoked weed before which I know made my anxiety spike even more with the intrusive thoughts. But I know I never did that and would never do such a thing, plus my friend was in the bathroom in the other stall and another random person was at the urinal so obviously if anything were to happen they would’ve been aware. But I made the mistake when I got home with going through my usual disproving process and listing all the reasons why I did not do that and why I never would do that and recalling all of the people who were in there with me and how they would’ve known if that happened and recalling small details like joking with my friend about “being that guy” because he was not about to wash his hands and him saying “usually I am that guy but since we’re about to get food I’ll wash my hands.” And then me holding the door for a random guy plus my friend and then my friend saying “see he’s that kind of guy” because he did not wash his hands. I know I wouldn’t be able to remember small details like that and just completely forget or be uncertain with something as serious as those intrusive thoughts. But the OCD keeps saying “how do you know for sure, are you certain, what if you’re suppressing it”? Does anyone else deal with this? If so, how do you get through this?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

I really really relate to this. Something that has helped me is thinking of the intrusive speaker in your brain as simply… just your brain trying to get a response or a reaction out of you. Really similar to an annoying voice just trying to bother you and make you upset. When we treat it as so, it completely removes us and our actions from the voice. Your mind is simply trying to say the most outrageous thought/fear it can think of—which proves that oftentimes, our intrusive thoughts are the very actions we are LEAST likely to do, since they are only so intrusive and upsetting because we disagree with them so much. That intrusive thought has nothing to do with your actions or your morals, it is just your mind shouting the most outrageous thing it can fathom to try and upset you. When I am able, I roll my eyes at my intrusive thoughts in a “nice try” attitude which affirms that I am NOT my thoughts. Our thoughts are not us. They are not our actions. You are safe and you are not alone in this. Thank you for sharing, I’m not sure if my experience there helps or makes sense but I hope it resonates in some ways.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Thank you for your input, your experience 100% helps and resonates with me. I just hate how real it can feel because of the anxiety/stress/emotions that come with it. The odd thing when I have a very disturbing thought like this that occupies my brain for 5 days or so, is that my day-to-day intrusive thoughts I usually deal with, practically don’t bother me at all when they usually would. But then that stresses me out even more so making me feel like this situation actually happened

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous I totally hear you. I get the same way. I think when we feed into it (including by going through the list of why it wouldn’t happen) we are guaranteeing it will stay with us longer. The sooner we can say “oh whatever” (it sounds weird but literally treat the intrusive thought like some annoying little sibling or voice that’s just trying to bother you) the sooner it will leave you! I totally struggle with this soooo often too though. Hearing your story helps me know I’m not alone too!

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous I really appreciate your feedback, I agree hearing someone else struggle with the same thing makes me feel that I’m not alone. Praying for strength and guidance for us all to overcome these daily battles with OCD. I’ve accepted it’ll be something you can’t fully eliminate, but I know we can all get to a point where it doesn’t dictate our lives anymore.

Username: ocdsucks248ocdsucks248

Date posted: 1y ago

i’m struggling with something very similar right now. i was playing with a baby on my lap like always and i had an intrusive thought of “what if i’m putting him on my lap just to see if it feels good” i ignored it and kept playing with him on my lap. this turned into something much worse. i was terrified i did something wrong to the baby. i started replaying it in my head so many times that i couldn’t even remember what happened. i convinced myself i put him on my private parts just to see if it felt good and that i sexually assaulted him by doing so. it sucks that one intrusive thought is making me believe all of this. it sucks dealing with and i can’t deal with the uncertainty. i wish i never replayed it so many times because i doubt i was doing anything wrong besides playing with him but now i’m so unsure that i can’t get it out of my head.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I resonate with your struggle. It’s not easy when you get stuck in these loops that OCD brings upon us, but an important quote I heard from one of the NOCD videos is “the fact that the intrusive thought is displeasurable is enough to know that you’re safe.” And I think it’s important for all of us to remember that, we would not be bothered by this to the extent that we are if that’s something we did/wanted to do. The thoughts make us feel this way because it’s 100% against our morality and values as human beings.

Username: ocdsucks248ocdsucks248

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous thank you that’s a great way to look at it i appreciate it!

Username: probablyflyingprobablyflying

Date posted: 1y ago

Sort of. So sorry for your struggles.

Username: Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

POCD

Serious trigger warning here for POCD and suicide. I have these thoughts, urges, and feelings that are terrifying. I don’t act on them and I believe I would never act on them but it feels so real and horrible. I don’t know how this started and I want to believe I am a good person but I’m just so scared that I’m going to do something terrible. And even just these thoughts scare me to my core and make me think, “oh what if I am a pedophile” even though I know I’m not, and I don’t know how to deal with them. When I can keep myself busy it gets easier to forget this stuff, but if I have downtime I can’t get it out of my head. I had a young girl, most likely middle school age, come into my work with her parents today and I was terrified of the idea that I could be attracted to her. I don’t believe I truly am but my thoughts get so aggressive that I don’t even know what to believe. I avoid a lot of things but sometimes you don’t have the option to avoid and it just gets things further stuck in my head and I end up fixating on awful things. I wake up with this stuff floating around my mind and I can’t get it to go away. I’ve even considered just ending it to all to make it easier on myself and to make sure that I never have the opportunity to act on these horrible thoughts and feelings. I don’t ever want to do these things and I know it may sound ridiculous, but the consequences of these actions I haven’t committed scare me as well such as people no longer trusting or loving me, prison, hurting someone else in any way, not being a good person, etc. I just can’t find anything that helps fix this. I have broken down many times due to this issue and I feel like it’ll never go away. I know killing my sled is not the answer and I know I will never act on any of this but the thoughts and feelings are so aggressive that I live in an almost constant state of fear of my own mind and body. I hate this. What did I do to deserve to suffer this way? Why me? Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal human thoughts and why of all forms of OCD did it’s have to be this one? I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me fix this before I lose hope.

POCD

Username: Lunah30

Date posted: 38w ago

POCD,FICTION OR REALITY..?

Hi everyone,this is my first time here(Female),I was kind of skeptical at the beginning,this post will probably be long and I apologize for it,I’ll try to cut the chase as much as I can, So since I was 9 I had OCD,my first intrusive thought was about harming my self and it was extremely traumatizing for a child of that age,not to mention I went trough some other kind of traumas like the fact that I was sexually molested as a kid various times by the same person and really never talked about until i became an adult I kinda got a bit over it,of course with out realizing that it would become one of triggers with ocd and one of my biggest fears of becoming one (Pedo) along with Harm OCD,I started struggling with POCD 6 years ago,it has been a struggle like no other,I have a niece who I would avoid left and right,I also have nephew and I would also avoid him but for some reason it was mainly my niece for some reason,my toughts would get the best of me for days that turn into months and months into years that I would eventually do something totally inappropriate to harm her,at some point that toughts went away and I would feel great being around her and my other nephews,last year I started going trough some other kind of stuff in my life which made fall into deep drinking and smoking weed,this year i unfortunately had a very bad episode as an a couple of months now,where I was in a very dark place with my self and I was totally intoxicated from both substances,that night my niece spend the night at my house,I was super scared because my toughts triggered at 100 + times! It was the craziest trip ever in my life! I didn’t even wanted to enter my room knowing she was there and that I could totally do something inappropriate to her or that could harm her and more because my toughts wouldn’t stop triggering me telling me”do it! You know you want to do a compulsion on her,eventually your gonna do it one day” All kind of nasty scary intrusive thoughts crossed my mind,at one point I could tell the difference of an event that I would consider a hallucination,and I got into bed totally freaked out about it because at that point my mind cannot tell the difference of if I did or not acted on the thought,I can’t really recall much of that night I only somewhat remember getting up from bed(if it was even real) and getting close to her,that’s where my mind turn blank,I don’t know if it was because I went to shock,either my memory suppressed or in reality nothing happened,I totally blacked out and only remember bit to pieces and one of those was when she worked up totally freaked out! Asking for my sister and I told her she wasent here and she just went back to bed,that made me freaked out even more thinking “did I do something to her and can’t recall that moment cause I’m blacking out ?!” And then my next thought was”omg I did do something to her!” All that night I remember going to bed with an extreme anxiety,Hangxiety and extreme paranoia,I was in sweat and all night just thinking “she’s gonna say I did something to her,if I did something to her she’s totally going to say it!” Next morning she woke up just fine like nothing when I’m the one suffering in guilt and disgusted of my self and extreme fear to the point I been wanting to harm my own self because I can’t bare with the idea that I did something to her! I had to vent to a couple of family member and a few of my friends,everyone keeps telling me that out of logic if I “would’ve acted on the tought” she would’ve felt something or woke up but I’m not convinced at all by that,what if she was deep asleep and didn’t feel anything,what if I did do something and I just don’t want to accept it!? My worst fear has become my nightmare alive! Please help ! Has anyone experience this of any kind,I don’t judge I just want to be helped

Username: Fhl123

Date posted: 32w ago

Struggling with POCD.

It’s been almost 5 months since this has started. It’s been on and off. Ive come to realize it’s probably POCD to fitting into every symptoms. Ive never been diagnosed with OCD but I do have anxiety and am constantly worried about everything. I dont know if anyone here can help reassure me that this happens to people and i am not what i think i am because it is basically taking over my thoughts and life. Seeing that i have every symptom, am i sure that i do? ugh this is so stressful. Never in my life have i ever had this thought. Never ever thought of children in that way. Growing up I’ve always liked older people older. I never had crushes on any child. Or did I and it just didn’t stick out to me? It’s gotten to the point where I can’t take these instrusive thoughts anymore either.. and are they even intrusive because I feel like I’m forcing myself to think about them just to see if I give myself a response. I have kids and have friends with kids and I can’t stop have the thoughts of maybe hurting them even though I never have before!! Then it makes me fixate on them and why am I fixating on just them if I wasn’t someone with POCD??? just the terrible person I’m scared that I actually am. It’s no other kids just the ones I’m familiar with or have known forever. Can you just turn into a P and not realize it until wayyyy older? I’m so stuck im not sure what to do.

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POCD/False Memory Episode

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