is there a right answer?

I’ve been going through a lot of problems with my partner the past couple months. about three weeks ago we “broke up” on our own terms where we didn’t have any set rules and it was kind of a mess. i would have really bad days or periods of time that i didn’t wanna be together at all or have to respond to them. then i would feel so bad and remorseful and wonder what they possibly could have done wrong to deserve these feelings from me. last week we broke up for good, with enforced no contact rules and we’ve unfollowed each other on everything. the day after this happened i felt a lot of relief that at least i didn’t have to think about it anymore. the day after i was mostly okay but at one point felt like i was on the edge of a heart attack and just felt so heavy and couldn’t stand it and missed them so much. the next day i was unrealistically fine and was trying everything to distract myself, reaching out to people, setting up hang outs for the next day/upcoming week, trying to reconnect with past people, basically doing way too much. i had a carefree attitude about it even though i knew deep down it was all a distraction. on days like these i refrain from getting on this app because i don’t want to have to deal with the possibility that i just need to work on this relationship. today is the day after that and i’ve been a mess. i miss them so much and feel as though i’ve made a big mistake. i know that i cant act on these feelings just as much as i shouldn’t act on negative ones about my partner, because the whole reason we broke up for good was so that there wouldn’t be a constant back and forth. i know i need to just sit with this discomfort for more than just a day because my feelings could change tomorrow. the main question i’m struggling with is, if they were right for me, would i really be debating it this much and seriously? is this just a bad time in my life? if anyone has any words or advice i’d love to hear it. more context if you wanna read: i’ve had so many struggles that i’ve been through with this person, one being that our parents didn’t approve/let us date until we both turned 18. there’s a lot of back and forth in my mind about this, “were we so distracted in fighting other people that we didn’t realize we weren’t right for each other?” and “how can it be wrong when we went through so much together?” and on the other hand “what if because of the huge switch in the root of our problems (from outside conflict to internal conflict with each other) that it just felt so different and it caused me to re-evaluate everything instead of just taking it as it was?” this is my first relationship with someone of the same sex. i’ve had a lot of internalized homophobia throughout this relationship, obvious or not, and it may also show up in some of my reasonings. i have a lot of predispositions of what life is “supposed to be” for me, what kind of person i am “supposed to end up with.” this causes me to internalize thoughts about things like our race, our sizes, our masculinity/femininity balance. throughout all of these things, they have seemed to see clearer than me, realizing that they like me as a person so why would any of that matter (outside of their own personal insecurities). some of this has to do with me worrying about how other people will see me, as well as how good or perfect i see the relationship myself behind closed doors. another thing i’ve noticed is that i tend to be too focused on how i’m perceived by them and not on just being in the moment and perceiving them. in other words, i’m always actively trying to be someone who is worthy of being in love with, and not enjoying the person i have in front of me. this makes me feel like i’m more in love with myself than i am with them. because of the disapproval from my parents, we were forced/encouraged to hang out a lot less, maybe once or twice a week. i missed them and wanted to hang out more and took that opportunity when it presented itself, but i realized that i may have loved the space/breaks more than i realized. my partner was the opposite, and would’ve already moved in with me if given the chance. this made me think that we were just not compatible in that area, and should find people who want to be around each other the same amount. we are going to the same college as freshmen in less than a week, and when we were together and there for orientation, i had a really hard time sitting with the idea that we would be there together so much. the first night was so fun and i loved spending all day with them, but it got harder as time went on, so much that i psyched myself into thinking i never even liked this person and hardly know them, and it felt like i gad woken up from a fever dream and was forced to give up my independence and share a life with this person forever. (obviously this is soooo extreme and no one was wanting to trap me.) we were never even going to room together for the actual college and planned on waiting for the step of moving in, however those three days really scared me. things that HAVE stayed constant in my mind are that i genuinely love this person, i want what’s best for them, and i don’t regret the relationship for what it was. overall, all of these things that i’ve had doubts over make me feel like 1)it shouldn’t be this hard to be in a relationship and 2)they don’t deserve someone who can’t make up their mind about the relationship. should we stay broken up for sure and i’ll just have to appreciate the relationship for what it was at the time and get over my regrets and wondering if i lost an amazing partner? or should i be holding out hope for a longer future with them?

zombye

Date posted: 2y

there's never a right answer with this disease. i know that's probably the last thing you want to hear, but it's true. no amount of rumination will get you anywhere. you've gotta give up figuring it out, you'll never find an answer that satisfies it

Firefly girl

Date posted: 22w

Rocd and Soocd

Every morning I wake up im always fixating on something and texting chat gpt, whether thats my relationship or my sexuality. I try so hard to resist it but I just can’t handle the uncertainty or the idea of hurting him or leading him on. We aren’t even official because in the past my rocd caused an issue between us where it led to him breaking up with me so now I have a fear of his intentions being ingenuine, especially because friends and family have called him a love bomber, saying he used me for attention, and narcissistic. This takes over me because I feel like I will never be able to be happy with him or trust myself or the relationship because of what other people say. I am very content on my own and single, this is the first relationship where i have experienced debilitating anxiety and doubt about the legitimacy of both of our feelings to the point where I cannot function. I’m trying so hard to not feed into it and not give it energy but I just hate the idea of leading him on or being inauthentic to what I truly want. My current therapist who I only see a couple times a month doesn’t think I have ocd, which makes me spiral and think I should end it with him, especially because I always hear things like “The right relationship will add to your life” and I feel the opposite is happening not directly because of him but because my brain takes over and paralyzes me with indecision about if i should be with him or not. I know that his intentions are genuine, but I hate that everyone is so cynical and assumes they’re not just because my rocd and his emotional baggage created a messy situation. From the moment i met him I convinced myself it was too good to be true and my therapist even said I was self-sabatoging. But i hate not knowing if it is rocd and my insurance doesn’t cover NOCD. He is so patient with me and supportive but I keep hearing things like “the honeymoon stage is supposed to last 3 months” and “it shouldn’t be this hard with the right person” “you’re not good for each other” and my friends tell me i didnt do anything wrong etc bc he did at first say my ocd didnt affect him when in reality that led to him ending it initially. But he has been more upfront with his emotions but then my mom and people will say “more to come” “there’s so much more out there” and its just so isolating not having that support and wondering if im too young to settle and if I’m just an idiot convincing myself I have rocd when really i just don’t want to be with him/it is a toxic relationship. When in reality the only reason it is toxic is because i am so sporadic about whether or not I want him in my life because of my distrust in myself and my decisions. I love him but I know love isn’t always enough and I get existential fixating on what’s “meant to be” and what’s “supposed to happen” its like this debilitating urge to control everything and make everything go perfectly how it is supposed to go. Please help i just want to make the right decision and stop paralyzing myself with doubt

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

is it rocd or just a relationship?

hey you guys i’m new to the app, i just wanted to come on here and share part of what i’ve been struggling with recently- around the beginning of 2024 i started having intrusive thoughts and they completely took over my life to the point where i began planning my suicide once i had finished out some of my commitments for that year. during that time i met this girl and we began texting and keeping in touch with each other every single day since last february. (tw suicide) unfortunately i did have to spend some time in a hospital after i attempted suicide in may of 2024 and i never really knew if this girl was into me or if she even liked girls but we kept talking up until the end of october where we finally said we liked each other. immediately i could tell smth was wrong bc i was shaking and crying and completely scared because i wanted to be very clear that i couldn’t commit to a relationship and then i disclosed to her i was in the hospital in may and i still hadn’t fully recovered from that (#stillhavent #butiwillsoitsokay😛) and i felt awful that i had responded to such an amazing moment like that andever since then i had been plagued with these constant thoughts about not liking her, being straight (which i still don’t know and fully branched out into SOOCD and i have an incredibly hard time distinguishing what is OCD and what is genuinely true about my sexuality because ive never really felt like this for a girl) and for about 4 months we went out on dates where i felt absolutely horrible because i felt like i wasn’t acting like myself or i was being rude to her or i was more attracted to male passerby’s than her or i accidentally thought something about her that just felt so mean and horrible. i also convinced myself it could never work because i couldn’t picture her face and that continued for the first two months, but then i decided to call things off at the beginning of march because i just couldn’t handle debating if i actually liked her if i was gay if i was a horrible person and if i was wrong for all the things i thought every single day and currently we’re on a break because i tried to call things off and she kind of talked me out of it in a very kind and understanding way. i just hate leaving her in limbo because at the end of the day i just want her to be happy because she is an amazing incredible and sweet person and if i wasted more of her time i’d feel even more awful. kinda long lowk… if u read all this thank u and lmk what u think:)

Gmoki

Date posted: 19w

How do I focus on myself when bf asked for a break

I’m a 19 year old girl and I have relationship ocd. My bf (20) and I are in college and around 2 days ago he asked for a break via text and then we called after on the phone which was the last time we spoke. We’ve been doing medium/long distance (1-2hrs away from eachother). I’m his first serious relationship and girl he’s ever loved. He’s my first healthy relationship and he felt like home to me. We both date to marry and everything with him felt so finalized, as silly as it sounds. Due to life being life we haven’t been able to see eachother the past three ish weeks. During that time he became different, wasn’t as loving as he used to be, and I had to continuously ask him to call me and he only did once or twice for about 15 minutes. He’s incredibly busy and in a agricultural frat. Unfortunately, he seeks a lot of validation from his frat brothers. It’s funny too, because I absolutely hate frats since I feel like often, of course not always, but often, all frats are about partying and hookup culture. That’s ok, it’s just not my thing as that to me isn’t what I value. With my bf though, I still loved him anyway. My bf was different from the stereotypical frat guy douche. You truly would not guess that him of all people is in one. He has incredibly redeeming qualities - he’s so kind, always tries to do the right thing, is so gentle, hardworking, encouraging, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intelligent lol. Due to this he gets treated differently in the house and the brothers disrespected him constantly. He would literally cry about it in my arms or in his car multiple times. When he was in my arms I was tearing up because it hurt me to see him like that. It broke my heart, but he was always too afraid to speak up for himself. I got pissed so many times and said I will say something for him - I’d do literally anything for him to make him happy. It became very obvious to me that he’s seeking so much male validation to fit in even though he comes from a great family with two married parents, with his dad being an absolutely amazing person and two older brothers. Hes said so many times that he doesn’t belong at the frat and I agreed and would tell him it’s because he was too good for them. I think he’s changed now though, and he honestly wants to fully submerge himself into this frat. He’s also taking max credit classes and has a job. I’ve been working to transfer over to the school he is at and as of late I’ve been doing community college, doing therapy with NOCD, going to the gym, and finally getting a car and being able to drive. I find myself that in relationships I let the other persons mood define mine, and I minimize my needs to make them happier. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I was a normal person. I care so deeply about him and want the best for him and I. I think he saw that flaw in me and with the combined stress of us being busy and not seeing eachother, thought it was time for a break. We called after he sent the text and I sobbed and acted a fool on the phone and I was absolutley pissed st first but only because I care. That was our first phone call in a while. He was crying and sobbing and calling me baby and the last thing we said to eachother was I love you, with him initiating that. Not too long after he was quick to take a lot of our posts down and stop sharing his location. So I did the same, and then just deleted all of my social media. I don’t know if he unadded me on anything, I don’t want to know and I don’t want to see his posts. I don’t think he has any idea as to what he’s doing. I’ll never forget when I was his date to one of his frat formals and I spoke to an alumni for a long time. He said to my bf waiting for me while I was in the bathroom “you got a good girl, take care of her”. My bf told me after that happened, because it was sweet, but I don’t think he honestly knew what that man really meant. Because I think if my bf did understand; I wouldn’t have to practically beg him to acknowledge me with a “maybe we could call” text for weeks, he would’ve directly thanked my mom for all the gifts I bought him using her money, he would’ve actually looked my mom in the eyes when he’s talking to her, he would’ve made sure that with intimacy my needs were also satisfied - not just his, he wouldn’t have told me what makeup style I should wear and what celebrities/traits he finds attractive in other girls even though I’ve voiced I’m uncomfortable with it, he would’ve shown more interest in my hobbies and likes the way I did his, and lastly, he would’ve been more courteous about my feelings and put his ego aside. I mean I’d literally watch hour long videos about fucking warhammer even though I thought it was boring. I sent him an educational video about OCD that I don’t think he ever took the time to watch. Which hurts, because he knows it’s something about me that I discovered during our relationship. Meanwhile, while I have stuff to work on like every person ever, I understand that I don’t need to fit into a group to feel complete. I’ve been authentically myself, flawed and all. I’m not afraid to show my problems to people. I don’t think I’m better than him because I’m like this, but I think that’s where we’re at right now. He hurt me so much and if/when he decides to come back is when I let him. I want him to regret this and for us to work out, but only if there’s change. He said we should work on ourselves and I agree. I’m slowly feeling better, but this took so many people by surprise especially his brothers gf who I was incredibly close to. She also has OCD funnily enough, and we’ve privately bonded over our bfs just not understanding OCD or going to each other for relationship/self care advice. I don’t know what to do, he was home to me. I love him, but I don’t love his actions and I deserve more. I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on, regrets it, and truly understands my value.

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