Struggling

Hi all, I’m really grateful for all the support I’ve gotten from people in the last few days. My mental health is at an all time low and I really appreciate the relief people have brought. I had a question about whether an intrusive image of a potentially imagined event can feel just as real as a real memory. I’m doing my best to stop ruminating over an image I have in my head, and have gone so far as requested security footage of myself and have been told both through that and by my friends that nothing bad happened, but the image in my head feels just as real as other memories. I was also drinking the night in question, which makes it harder for me to dismiss the image and makes me feel like I shouldn’t. I was just wondering if imagined images can feel just as real? I’m trying to use tools to ignore the image, and have therapy scheduled for tomorrow, but I feel like I can’t responsibly dismiss the image even with the evidence I’ve gathered if there’s something about a real memory that looks different in the brain and that if so, that suggests my memory is real and I should confess it. I’m really working on stopping reassurance seeking as well, especially now that even after being told that nothing bad happened when the establishment I was at reviewed security footage, my brain is telling me “they’re probably just lying and never reviewed it.” I know I need to just stop ruminating, reassurance seeking, and mentally checking the memory, but I just don’t know if I can/should in case the image is what I should trust more, if that makes sense.

I need advice for intrusive thoughts. I used to feel like I could handle them. They weren’t nearly as bad as the things that related to my actual life. But now, I’m suffering. I haven’t had a sexual experience in over a year that didn’t involve constant intrusive thoughts. Most are somehow related to kids and I keep chasing off the thoughts but it’s so bad. I know you’re supposed to ignore them but I don’t know how I can just ignore that and continue what I’m doing. But they’re coming on stronger. I had one earlier I could not get rid of just as things finished so the thought came on strongly just before my orgasm hit and now I feel absolutely disgusting. I hated the thought and I know it’s not me and it was not enjoyable but it still feels like I was getting off to it. I feel sick. I’m so fucking tired of these thoughts. They’re in my every day life too and it’s all the time. I just want it to stop but ignoring it feels so wrong. What should I do?

Any one else deal with this? Like from the moment they wake up to the second they fall asleep, the intrusive thoughts are there?