- Date posted
- 2y
Privacy/ Control Struggles
Even prior to my diagnosis, as an adolescent i’ve always had an intense internal struggle with how people should perceive me. I was always self conscious and “dressed to impress”. Though when it came to my family, i felt almost guilty and disgusted by their praise. I cant pinpoint exactly what had happened or at what point in my life this started. Just that i went from being a young girl, fresh out of kindergarten, proud of her parents watching her preform a solo with a symphony orchestra- to screaming at them not to come see her playing in the ensemble of her middle school play. I use to love the hugs my parents gave me. I felt so safe pretending to fall asleep in their laps while they watched tv up past my bed time. But now when they show me the slightest bit of praise, try to give me a hug, or return to that place of love- i just want to crawl out of my skin. i feel as though they’re objectifying me, though they’re just my parents. i’m so resentful towards them, i just have this hatred that’s been building up for years and years. Any good memories are surpassed by the bad, and I cannot fathom getting back to a place where we all truly love each other again. meaning me, loving them. i’ve stopped singing in public, because i’ve taken up addictions and have punished myself for the way they make me feel. Anytime i try to play my ukulele and sing, even in the privacy of my own room i am not truly safe, stable, alone, or have feelings of security. I’m quite paranoid, because they often creep outside my door to listen. And while you would think i’d understand they just want to hear their daughter sing, their unwanted presence, and attention makes me want to crawl out of my skin. It’s what makes violent images swirl in my brain, brings my blood to a boil, and makes me want to hurt myself. Initially i cut myself. but that only made the attention worse. so i turned to hiding my feelings and wallowing in my pain. i am medicated for ocd- on 50mg of clomipramine and 30mg of Lexapro. While these medications help dim the extremity of these feelings and reduce the amount which they affect me, I still find it nearly impossible to gain control of my mindset and channel the eerie feelings into positivity. I understand both sides of the argument, though the negative side is much more pronounced. I have a really hard time opening up to people because I don’t have a lot of stability in my life. So therapy isn’t on the table for me, there’s no trust. i’m hoping maybe a few of you have gone through similar experiences with strong set emotions, because i could really use a helping hand in rewiring myself. I don’t have respect for my parents. I know they’re decent people and they have both have great skills and interesting life experiences, but i don’t love them. we have had some pretty nasty arguments over the years where i’ve told them that to their faces. i’m pretty sure they just thought i was being a moody teen, so they say they don’t care and that they’ll always love me. But this just makes me despise them more, and triggers my fear of objectification all over again. I just feel like as long as i’m controlled by them under their roof, i am not my own person and i am not free. but i also know that’s not true, and that the second i move out i will have so many regrets. but i just know that, i have not, and don’t know when i’ll truly process that. please help.