Mental compulsions - struggling PLEASE HELP

***this may be very triggering so please don’t read if you’re struggling a lot with your OCD**** So I’ve been doing ERP (without a therapist but on a waiting list) for my physical compulsions and I was achieving so well. But then Mental compulsions took over and they are taking over my life. I really hope there’s someone who can relate to this and hopefully teach me that I will find peace. I will sometimes have compulsions that occur through imagery in my mind. This is new for me but has topped all my physical compulsions which I never knew was possible. In fact I’m at a point where I wish I was overwhelmed with physical compulsions rather than this current torture. For example the other day I was at a house where I felt very panicky and gave into a bunch of physical compulsions. When I got home I felt disgusting. The thought of that house was traumatising because of how much stress I induced while there. I couldn’t bare to think about it, I just wanted to forget about any memory of it. I layed in bed and closed my eyes and unintentionally imagined the outside of the house I had visited and as I did I had a harm intrusive thought - what if I lost all control of myself and harmed someone I love against my will - now I’m the most loving sensitive and caring person so this OCD theme has been debilitating for me, but i had been overcoming it with my physical compulsions. I opened my eyes and instantly had the compulsion that I needed to close my eyes again and imagine the same thing again (the outside of the house the exact same way as before) - only this time I imagined their living room instead. I usually have to do things twice to cancel them out (represents ‘on’ and ‘off’… so stupid) so I opened my eyes and panicked because to fix things I needed to correctly imagine the outside of the house as I did earlier. But before I could do that I now needed to imagine the living room the right way, and then I could imagine the outside. But I kept imagining different rooms and couldnt get the image of the right rooms meaning I was going deeper into this house unwillingly. This created a backlog of mental compulsions I needed to fix. I needed to work my way back out the house the same way I went in but my brain wasn’t letting me. I opened my eyes and I was sweating and panicking. I felt trapped and like the only way to ever escape this anxiety and eliminate the threat would be to go back into my mind and fix these errors. I felt helpless and trapped in another world. I felt like my whole life was over now because I could never fix this. Unlike a physical compulsions this was happening in a world I was imagine in my head. I couldn’t just simply go and flick the light switch or tap on the wall. To correct the compulsion I had to actually mentally imagine it. But my mind wasn’t letting me. I felt detached from myself. My anxiety peaked and I had an anxiety override (body tingling, I felt cold) flush through me. And suddenly I felt a sudden lack of care and felt relief. It was like my brain had got so worked up it just let go of the compulsion urges. I fell asleep. The following day I woke up relieved that that mental compulsion episode had left me and I didn’t need to do anything. I cried to my partner who doesn’t know the extent of my OCD, I hide it a lot. But I do get emotional over it. But I never tell him what my ocd entails. All he knows is ‘I have OCD’. I said ‘I’m free’ and felt so relieved. I felt slightly at unease around my house as I was slightly traumatised by how petrified I was and everything was reminding me of it. But I moved on and had a great day feeling relaxed and ready to tackle any OCD that came my way. That was until the following morning I woke up feeling anxious about what I had experienced. I started feeling that I had tricked myself into being over it and felt detached from the world again. I started feeling that I needed to go back into my head, back into that house to fix the compulsion errors. My brain telling me that if I don’t, that unfixed episode will haunt me for life. That even if I get over it and forget, it’ll lie dormant and then come flooding back at a later point in life. It was telling me that all my intrusive fears will happen at some point in my life as a consequence to not fixing my errors and escaping that house. I keep telling myself this is all OCD trying to keep a hold of me. Sometimes my anxiety will ease momentarily and I’ll feel more rational, but then I doubt it and think but what if that’s it lying dormant. And then it comes flooding back. I don’t feel ERP will work for this one. It’s been 2 days now of me trying to avoid the urge to go back and try to fix it. I feel like it’s inevitable that lll have to go back and fix it. Because it seems like I won’t get my life back ever again if I don’t. That’s how it’s making me feel right now. But then I’m scared that if I do go back to fix the errors, I won’t be able to fix it easily. I won’t be able to imagine the right rooms and will only make more errors. I feel like I can’t win. I feel like the only way to get back to reality is fixing these mental compulsions. I just don’t know how 😰. I’m so scared, I know deep down this is all OCD. These fears are obsessions and intrusive thoughts morphing to avoid me escaping OCD. I know it’s illogical and I know the only reason I feel so much meaning behind this mental compulsive world I imagined was because these images of the house was just thoughts that made me feel uncomfortable and I attached meaning to them and taught my brain to fear it. I know I created this fear but it feels so real to me now I’m just stuck. Can anyone relate to this. Does anyone have mental compulsions that feel like a rabbit hole, like a trap and a long list of errors you can’t fix. Is it normal to feel this way. Is my life over? 😞😞😞 I just want to be happy again. I just want to be able to engage in life again. My boyfriend is my whole world. I love him so much and I can’t focus on anything other than this one mental compulsive episode that I feel I’ll never forget. It’s so overwhelming that I haven’t had any physical or new compulsions since because my mind is too preoccupied with how I’m going to deal with that one episode.

matt-07!

Date posted: 2y

It just feels like mental compulsions are other worldly. Like not fixing them will detach you from reality. I was overcoming my physical compulsions so well. I thought my OCD was in recovery. But this is something very very different, and I don’t know how to tackle it. My OCD is telling me that to get back to reality I need to go back and fix these errors. I just feel so alone. I’ve read so many OCD experiences but can’t find anyone who explains the same 😞😞

atardecer

Date posted: 2y

hi!! I relate a lot to what you explained!!! I’ve also never seen people talk about it like this but a lot of my compulsions are also mental compulsions even though I have physical ones. For me, my mental compulsions make the physical ones feel like a walk in the park. The mental compulsions I’ve experienced are normally triggered by trying to remember old memories or figure out if I have any false memories. I’ll think about it once and when I get stuck, can’t remember correctly, or panic that I did something wrong or something wrong was done to me, I’ll think about it over and over and over again trying super hard to re-enact it in a way that feels accurate and soothes my anxiety. As you’ve experienced, this makes it even harder to do so, and I start losing touch with reality and what even happened in the first place. I’ve also experienced feeling fed up and just forgetting but having that intrusive feeling in my chest all day for days because I haven’t figured it out or seeking some sort of reassurance to make it better. Once it comes back I go back to digging myself into a rabbit whole of imagining the same scenario different ways to figure out what the answer is. So I really hear you and it’s so exhausting and not talked about nearly as much as physical compulsions which for me making it feel more scary. I hope this at least reassures you that you aren’t alone. You’re seen and heard by me!!!

matt-07!

Date posted: 2y

@atardecer Thank you so much, that really means a lot to have someone listen to me and share their similar experiences. I think my issue is I also try to find people with EXACT same experience and then when I don’t I doubt everything even more. Like right now I think my situation is different from anyone else’s. But reality is everyone’s experience is going to be unique in some way because we create our own compulsions and the rules associated with them even though it feels like we aren’t responsible. So everyone’s going to have different rules and ruminations that keep their OCD fired up. But ultimately when it’s broken down, they all follow the same habits that OCD is known for. Like my rational mind knows my situation right now is OCD, I know how it got to this current situation. I’ve talked it through to myself multiple times. And I’ve found relief a couple times. But then I remember it again and ruminate some more unintentionally and each time I ruminate it feels more threatening than before. I’ve ruminated so much that I’ve created this sensation that I’m detached from the real me and the real world and that the only way back is through correcting my mental compulsions. I have convinced myself this is true through ruminating and It feels 100% real because I have taught my brain that compulsions are necessary when they’re not. So my brain is yelling at me that I have unfinished compulsions and that means the risks are real and my current fear must be real. Like right now, my current thought process is, I NEED to go back to my bed, lay exactly how I did the other night when this started, close my eyes and picture all the correct images perfectly with no errors in the right order which all count as individual compulsions, and then I can open my eyes and feel present again and everything will be fine. Because it will represent me correctly exiting this compulsion world / rabbit hole. But the reality is it’s not some ‘other world’ it’s literally just thoughts of imagery I had with my eyes closed and I created a story of what it meant based off my fears. It feels like I need to do that or be lost forever. But that’s my rumination and OCD talking. I know if go back and try fix those errors, I’m not going to be able to get it perfect enough. It’ll reaffirm to my brain that these compulsions are meaningful and significant (which they’re not) and it will make the need to fix them perfectly even more urgent. And who knows where that would put me mentally if I wasn’t able to correct them again but this time with even more of a heightened belief that they’re dangerous

matt-07!

Date posted: 2y

@matt-07! OCD is f*cked. The power to manipulate us is frightening. And it’s so exhausting that it’s voice is often louder than our rational mind. So even thought our rational minds are fully intact and are making sense of things, OCD is just yelling at us that our rational thoughts aren’t real and that the OCD thoughts are. It’s like a constant battle of the brain.

laladracu

Date posted: 21w

Harm ocd

I’ve been through a lot of trauma the past few months and years and had an anxiety breakthrough where I can’t stop having panic and anxiety attacks. I used to be a horror movie addict and one night during an anxiety attack my brain went “Kill your sister” My sister is my whole world. It all went downhill from there. I can’t even be around her when were home alone anymore. Every single day since then my brain is trying to tell me a bunch of different ways to harm her. Its getting to a point where its involving others now. “Kill your sister.” “What if you finally go back to your boyfriends house and kill his family?” “What if you kill mom?” “Kill that lady walking down the aisle at work.” “What if you killed yourself?” “You’re a bad person for thinking all of this.” “You shouldn’t be allowed to sleep, eat or relax. Bad people don’t get to do those things.” “These thoughts are in your head 24/7 because you WANT to do these things!” Its causing me so much anxiety and racing thoughts and I don’t want to become anymore depressed. SSRIs dont work. My doctor wants me to go on antipsychotics but I’m afraid to and I feel like I don’t actually need them and it will cause more damage. My goal is to become the person I was before all of this. Not to change completely. I tried buspirone once and I stopped due to increased health anxiety and often found myself saying “remember when you wanted to kill your sister?” and then brushing it off. It helped in some sort of way. I was only on it for a week. My whole life has changed since then. I dont go to my boyfriends house anymore, I dont see my friends, I can’t play video games anymore. All I do is ruminate and I cant stop. I cant even hold a conversation anymore. The compulsions are horrible. I’m so scared that theres no coming back from this. Its all adding to the anxiety that I don’t want to become severe depression. I just want to be me again. I’m starting off ERP and if it doesn’t work I dont know what to do. Can someone please tell me they have been through similar and have gotten better. I just need to save my life. Its getting to a point where this is convincing me this is all real and its going to happen and that im gonna become a psychopath. Its been going on for 3 months. I used to be so bubbly and happy!! (I am not schizoaffective)

Gmoki

Date posted: 20w

I need advice :( vent post/does anyone relate?

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

jupiter

Date posted: 11w

I don’t know how to live anymore

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

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Mental compulsions - struggling PLEASE HELP

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