- Date posted
- 2y
First time here!
Hi, this is very long apologies lol ,I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD however Id like to share my story and questions, any advice appreciated!(I’m 23male, North of Ireland) In 2020 I started having thoughts about suicide etc however I never wanted to ever do it and had no reason to think like this, I have loving family/ friends/ my girlfriend at the time. When these thoughts would pop up it would trigger anxiety etc.. it was like part of my brain was arguing with the other,I eventually went to my doctor and was diagnosed with depression and put on citalopram(celexa). I had around a month of absolutely terrifying side effects, my thoughts about suicide became absolutely off the charts, I had my girlfriend sleep with me because I was scared I was going to kill myself. Even looking at my curtains would trigger me… throughout this time I never ever planned or consciously wanted to do such a thing. I spent basically 2 months locked in my room watching tiktok and sleeping..Eventually I levelled out and within 3/6 months I was back to normal life again and pretty much recovered having no intrusive thoughts. At this point I had never heard of OCD apart from the usual stereotypical “being clean” OCD. Fast forward 2 years of pretty consistent good mental health and normality for the most part. Last month I noticed that these crazy thoughts would slide into my mind about being a pedophile and over the next week would get worse and worse. I had a feeling my citalopram was becoming less effective so my dosage was upped, I think this triggered side effects again and caused me to completely fall apart and had the worst mental health episode I’ve had. My brain was fully trying convince my I was a pedophile and I stayed pretty much bed bound for over a month, I couldn’t work or socialise and even barely talk to my family, the shame was absolutely crippling I thought at a point I should just commit suicide because no one likes a pedophile and that even if I’m not, how can I live like this, it was insanity, and for a few hours a day I’d come around a little and realise I was being ridiculous. Most of the time I knew in myself that I’m obviously not a pedophile And the thoughts were absolutely abhorrent. This is also when I researched symptoms and found out about OCD and all of its different forms. This is where my question comes in. I didn’t think I had any compulsions as such. However I’ve just heard of avoidance, which seems to fit me. I spent the whole month in bed watching tiktoks and researching ocd and “ruminating”. And I mean like 13hrs a day on tiktok. It was really the only thing with the constant swiping and flow of different content that could keep me distracted. Another thing I was doing was just sleeping. I was sleeping a crazy crazy amount and anytime I got realllly bad, I would just sleep try sleep it off. Like if I woke up from 10hrs sleep and 2 hours later I was spiralling into anxiety, it would be back to sleep, sometimes sleeping all day. Would these actions be considered compulsions? I really don’t have physical compulsions and seem to fully line up with “Pure O” Anyways, my medication seems to be working well again considering I can even write this and I’m doing well and I’m happy again. As if none of that even happened only a month ago.. hopefully that gives someone hope. Does it sound like I have OCD and also has anyone experience with a diagnosis with the UK NHS? Thanks for any advice people 💪