- Date posted
- 2y
horrible OCD spiral that caused me to lash out
I don't really have anyone close to me that i can talk about this with so i just want to have somewhere where no one knows me and I can talk and be consoled by people who understand. I have terrible relationship OCD and constantly fear the worst and imagine things that could end my relationship. We have our issues but we work through them best we can and try to stick together. My girlfriend had a best friend she's known for like 8 years. I have always felt extremely jealous of her because of this. I know it's ridiculous and it doesn't matter how long you've known someone. I just am so jealous because i feel like this best friend is a good person and that i am not. And my girlfriend is going to realize i am a bad person and leave me for her friend. (we are a gay couple) Yesterday me and her friend got into a bit of an argument over something that we disagreed on. We decided to just end it, but later she DMed me calmly and tried to explain that she didn't appreciate how i talked to her. I absolutely went ballistic and blew up at her. Swearing, mean names, aggression, not listening. It was horrible and I feel like a truly am a horrible person for acting this way. It sucks because we had been getting along fine and i thought i was finally past the jealousy. But now it's just 10 times worse. I am spiraling, all i can imagine is my girlfriend leaving me. We have talked and it's simmered down but i can't stop thinking about what happened and how i behaved and i feel so guilty. I apologized profusely and explained how i felt and how i acted was wrong. The friend doesn't have to forgive me but now i know she is saying bad things about me to my girlfriend. I just can't stop thinking and worrying about my girlfriend breaking up with me because she discovered the truth about what a terrible person i am. I have felt suicidal over this but then i feel like an even worse person because i am guilt tripping people by being upset. What do I do? How can i calm the racing thoughts? My brain is so attached to the idea that i'm a bad person and everything i do just proves it. I keep switching from sobbing my eyes out to feeling deep rage because my girlfriend might care more about her friend than me. Deep down i know it's not true and feeling that way is having a really bad impact on my relationship. I want to stop feeling like this. Its so tiring. I cant believe how i behaved... i wish i could go back and have never said anything at all