- Date posted
- 2y
I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy
Every time I’m happy or feeling good about myself my OCD tells me “but what if you did this terrible thing” “but what if you’re secretly evil” “but what if you’re actually dying from an undiagnosed disease” “you aren’t allowed to be happy until you know all this for sure” it’s so exhausting. I’ve been struggling with one specific theme for the past year (not unusual for me I once had a theme that lasted consistently for 5 years) and it’s the worst one yet, I’ve come so dangerously close to ending my life because of it multiple times this year. It involves false memories and it’s like my OCD is playing a twisted game with me just giving me a horribly vivid false memory of the same theme and then as soon as I find a flaw in the logic of it it creates another one to throw at me, it has a crushing feeling to it because of how bad it is and it’s triggered so easily. I have other false memories and this is clearly the same breed as them but because it’s so much worse it’s so much harder to ignore. One minute it makes no sense and clearly isn’t real then the next it’s overwhelming me and feels so so real.