Overcoming 7 months of Pure Hell

I don’t mind if anyone reads this. Maybe it can help to know you’re not alone. I thought I was the worst person and that I deserved to die since March of 2023. I’m a music teacher and now a choir teacher. I can honestly say that I never expected to go through what I went through. I feel like I’ve battled and overcome a lot of things, but the last 7 months of my life were by far the worst and there wasn’t even anything going on to cause me a huge amount of stress other than I truly did not like the school I was at and I was really lonely. I found out I had OCD because a tiktok triggered me into thinking “what if I’m a pedophile because my grandfather was?” And “what if I’m attracted to children?” I know it sounds silly, but everything I researched, googled, and/or tested was telling me I was and I began going on a downward spiral, unknowing that OCD was this. I’d always believed OCD was being paranoid over germs or excessive cleaning. I now know that there’s WAY more to OCD than I ever thought possible. For months on end, I managed to somehow spiral into believing that I was the worst possible person, that I wasn’t safe around my students, that I wasn’t safe around anyone out in public, or that everyone secretly knew my thoughts. I still have immense guilt over some and I wouldn’t wish POCD on my worst enemy. I never knew our brains could betray us like that and for years before this, I dealt with all kinds of negative thinking unknowing that it was OCD all along for a lot of things. Yet, my mind was still my safe place to go until POCD. For 7 months, it was as if I was switching back and forth between a real and fake reality. It felt like I was a stranger in my own body. There were moments of clarity where I realized this was insane, but when it felt real, it was like walking through a hell I made for myself. I can now say that there really is light at the end of the tunnel and that no matter how dark or long yours may seem, you’ll find your way back again. The bright side of OCD is that when you realize it’s just in the one part of your brain and you learn ERP to counteract it, you feel grateful just to be you. I’ve never been grateful to be me, but after this experience, I would not be anyone else. I’m so relieved that I’m still me. I’m so relieved that my mind and body are still mine and that my heart to teach remains the same. I’m a middle school choir and keyboard teacher now and I LOVE my new job. (Sorry for the long read, but maybe this will help)