Being “right” about my Queer identity

Hi! I’m queer and have known since I was a teen. I identify as pansexual. But have had periods of obsessions about if I am wrong about the specific label. Like I know I like everyone and am attracted to all genders. But with the discourse within the queer community, I get anxious that maybe i my identify is hurtful for others. Basically I’m obsess over if I am pan or bi. Or if saying I’m pan is bi erasure. Or if I can say I’m both. But I haven’t before and would that be going back on my word. And I felt pan was the right label for me when I was coming out and it felt right but what if people see me as just trying to be an “edgy bi”. I don’t know. I get wrapped up into. Even though my girlfriend is bi and we have solidarity with each other and support each other, the lgbtq+ internal discourse can be me anxious. So much so that I have stopped saying pan and say queer instead mostly. I do identify as queer also but I just worry that then I am letting know pan folk but not being visible. I think it’s a part of my morality ocd/ harm ocd about being a good person and not hurting anyone. I was wondering if anyone else with sexuality themes also experienced this sort of thing because I haven’t seen it talked about before?

CarlaCroft1390

Date posted: 1y

Hi! I cannot say I experience the exact same thing but perhaps somewhat similar. I came out as bisexual about 8 years ago now. Aside from the fact of that in and of itself being a rather brutal internal battle (due to a lot of external biphobia I experienced from mostly within the LGBT+ community), nowadays I still find myself doubting whether I should use that label or not. I often feel like an impostor, as if I’m lying to everyone and that I am either straight or lesbian. Like I shouldn’t use the label and try to be a part of a community when I can just benefit from passing as straight. Like maybe I am hurting the community at large. But the one thing that helps in all of this is reminding myself of what my values are. Would I make someone else feel that way? Would i invalidate their experiences like I am doing to my own? Hell no. I would just be happy for them to use whatever label suits them, or no label at all for all it matters. Staying grounded in my own beliefs around sexuality helps me overcome the obsessions and fixations with my own. I don’t know it this helps but stay strong and true to your value!

frosty9

Date posted: 1y

@CarlaCroft1390 Thank you so much sharing your experience. I really appreciate it 🌈. I am going to work on my values!

bkelp213

Date posted: 1y

I think I have a similar issue though I’m not sure if it constitutes OCD in my specific case - I’ve definitely had thoughts about thinking I’m just trying to be “different” or “special” when I wonder about my sexuality or gender (for example, wondering if I feel like I might sort of identify as non-binary or something like that leads to my brain going “you can’t know that for sure - what if you just think it’s trendy to identify that way? That’s offensive to people who actually identify that way”) and I sometimes obsess over it, wondering what I really am and if me identifying a certain way would be offensive. It’s not as prevalent as my main OCD themes but it definitely comes up from time to time. And it creates lots of doubt and confusion for sure. It probably is a morality OCD thing like you said because you feel like you might be wrong for identifying a certain way (despite hurting no one).

frosty9

Date posted: 1y

@bkelp213 Thank you for sharing your story! It’s so hard when ocd makes you want certainty so much

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 16w

I’m questioning sexuality even though I’m young

Sort of a rant that probably sounds stupid and I’m kind of seeking reassurance… I’m still a relatively young teenager so I know I’ve got time to work all this out but I’m really confused about my sexuality. (I’m a girl) I’ve never been in a relationship (I don’t know if I want to be which is why I’m writing this) and sometimes I feel like I’ve never really had a crush and I just convinced myself that I did because I wanted to feel normal… but then maybe that’s false memory ocd??? I don’t really want to be in a long term relationship with a guy and idk about girls but idk if that’s just cos of my age??? Some days I hate the idea of ever dating, marrying or doing anything sexual. Other days I wish my mental / physical health was better so I could date someone! Everything I feel goes up and down a lot and idk why!? I have bad sexual intrusive thoughts that make me unsure whether anything that I think is real and my parents recently split up after not getting along for a few years. I don’t know if it’s my age, my ocd, my parents bad relationship, my sexuality (am I attracted to guys, girls? Am I ace!!!!???) Or something else but I have no idea who I am and I KNOW I’m young and have time but some other perspectives might help???? Can I ever be in a relationship if I have ocd like this? Also I’m really struggling not to compulsively seek reassurance and I don’t know who to talk to about all this irl I know I probably shouldn’t share this with random strangers but also idek if I care anymore 😭

polish_germa...

Date posted: 8w

I’m scared I might be more sexually attracted to women and more romantically to men

Hi everyone, I’ve been really anxious lately, and I just need to get this out of my head. Someone recently told me that maybe I’m bisexual — that I might be more sexually attracted to women, but more romantically attracted to men. That bisexuality is not 50/50. And ever since I heard that, I’ve been spiraling. The thing is: I don’t want this to be true. It scares me. I don’t feel romantic attraction to women, I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship with one. But yes, I get aroused by fantasies involving women — and that makes me feel broken or like I’ve been lying to myself. I love my boyfriend deeply, I don’t want to lose him. I want to feel fully connected to him, physically and emotionally. But now I’m stuck in this obsessive loop of questioning: “What if I’m just in denial?” “What if I’m not really straight?” “What if this is why my libido is low?” It’s exhausting, and I don’t know if this is OCD, anxiety, or if something is fundamentally wrong. Has anyone else felt this split — romantic feelings for one gender, sexual feelings for another? I feel so alone and scared. Thanks for listening.

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Being “right” about my Queer identity

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