Forcing/Doing stuff “just ‘cause”

Okay, this is gonna be pretty long and stuff so just a warning. I’m gonna kinda split it up. So, yeah. Okay. Idk, if this is gonna make any sense, and this is kind of weird, but do you — or like, your intrusive thoughts — ever like “force” — you — yourself to do something sometimes, and like “feel”. Okay, so for example, my whole life, I’ve never really been interested in “dating” and stuff, because it just didn’t make sense to me and because of certain stuff, and blah blah blah, but like when I was a bit younger, I’d get like these “intrusive thoughts” about like “dating” people and whatever, and usually it would be fine, but sometimes I felt like I would start to “act” a certain way or whatever, and start to “do” and “think” things for “attention” even if I wasn’t, and I would like act weird, and “go against” everything I want. Idk. Like, if I thought somebody liked me, or if I just had an intrusive thought about dating stuff, I’d kind of “force” myself to “like” them — not actually, but I’ll explain —, because “just ‘cause”, and it’s kind of what my intrusive thoughts told me, but it’s not what *EYE* wanted. Like, every time that happens, if I think someone likes me, etc. even if *EYE* don’t like them, and it’s not what I stand for, blah blah blah, my head will kind of make me feel like “well, say it anyways”, and “say this” and “say that”, blah blah blah, and then I would have these “fake” feelings that I DON’T really feel, and it would get exhausting. I wouldn’t do it all the time, though. I also just thought that it’s what “they” wanted, and I try and “do stuff” for people even if they don’t ask. I just go above and beyond for people, and exhaust myself. Idk why. That’s just how I am. It’s like I’m “overcompensating” also. And not just this; a whole bunch of other stuff too. It’s annoying. Also, I wouldn’t usually always “tell” them per se, but it’s complicated to explain. It was kind of like an “impulsive” compulsion thing. If that makes sense. Like sometimes I’ll just “DO” stuff just because. And it can get exhausting, because I DON’T really want to do that, I’m just “doing” it because I think it’s what “they” and I’m like “why not”, and it’s usually me thinking “but what if?…” blah blah blah. It’s like, I feel like I have to “confess” everything, but even the “not true” stuff. *The rest in the comments*

Maze13

Date posted: 1y

Like, for example; I would have like “auditions” in my chorus class for shows and stuff, and sometimes I wouldn’t be “prepared”, but I always have like intrusive thoughts about how like there’s those people that just like go to auditions and stuff, and people see them and it’s like you’re “it”, like you’re INSTANTLY a “hit”, blah blah blah, or like you “say” like just the “right” thing, etc. and I’m like “maybe that will be me”, “what if I miss my chance? “I have to audition for everything…”, “it could be me”, blah blah blah, — and I’m a perfectionist so you can see how that impulsiveness and stuff kind of “ruins” that, because I just do things for “just ‘cause” because of my brain. — and then I would “mess up” sometimes and feel so guilty, and then I’d get intrusive thoughts about “why wasn’t I picked?” “Aren’t I great?” Blah blah blah, and it’s just exhausting. Sometimes I think I’m a narcissist for that, because those thoughts make me seem like I think I’m “better” than everyone, but I don’t think that. Whenever someone gets a part or whatever, blah blah blah, am always genuinely happy for them, and think they deserve it. It’s just frustrating having those thoughts. And then I also would feel guilty, because when it is “brought up” or whatever, I kind of try to “change” it around and stuff, and I don’t know how to explain it, but yeah. Like, I’d try and make myself think I “meant” something else, or Idk. It’s exhausting. I do this with other stuff too. The “changing”. In my head as well. I just always feel like I’m lying or something. Or like trying to get “attention” when I’m not. I don’t like that feeling. I do this sometimes a lot still, and it can get frustrating. Not the “dating” stuff anymore, just the “just ‘cause” stuff, and it’s annoying. It’s gotten way better, but sometimes it still irritates me. Usually, if I don’t “stand” for something, etc. I won’t do it, and no one can “force” me too, but sometimes my OCD makes me believe that I “NEED” to, even though no one asked, and that’s not what I want. So I’m always getting myself into things when it’s not what I really want, and then I end up trying to like “change” stuff. I feel like a bad person a lot of times because of it. Idk if I am or not. Idk. And I feel like a narcissist or something deep down sometimes, even though I care about people so much.

Maze13

Date posted: 1y

It’s really annoying, but I’m working on it. So, if anyone can relate, or gets it, has any insight, or just anything, please share. Thank you💓.

Whit.D25

Date posted: 22w

1st post-What my OCD experience feels like. Pt1 Ig

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

Roseptlss

Date posted: 20w

Persistent Intrusive thoughts about past actions

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

moon0270

Date posted: 17w

Realised I have another compulsion

I actually didn't realise this til now because I just assumed it was a coping mechanism from when I was really young. But when I tend to get stressed out or overwhelmed, I'll often start talking out loud to myself (which mostly means just whispering to myself because if i spoke really loudly, my mom would hear me lol). But nowadays with my fear of being surveilled, I keep having to catch myself because it's such a habit at this point for me to whisper out loud. Especially with me trying to reason through my false memories or really bad intrusive thoughts. Another compulsion. And then I keep thinking omg did I have my phone with me when I said that. Is anyone watching me rn? What if this person (that probably doesn't even exist) thinks my thoughts are true? What would everyone else think? And then I spiral afterwards. It sucks because I feel like I'm policing myself even when I know these are all just things I'm saying out loud and they don't mean anything— they're just thoughts after all. But I have this worry that if someone overheard me or all of this was suddenly revealed, that it might change how people see me or people might hate me or think i'm a bad person. And then I worry about me being worried about that because then I ask myself would a good person be worried about this? Anyways, another long post with me waffling and rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this ❤️‍🩹

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Forcing/Doing stuff “just ‘cause”

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