bayleaf 🌱

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Advice for separation anxiety

I’ve posted recently about how my boyfriend Is on a trip for the weekend and I’m really struggling with him gone. I don’t want to be toxic or controlling but I’m having a hard time and wanted him to text me updates about what he’s doing. Im upset he isn’t texting me updates but im not going to tell him because I don’t wanna be toxic and I just am curious of any advice to get more comfortable with him being away and anything to distract me or how to handle it. Me and my ex broke up a few months after he went on a trip and ghosted me for a week (and things went downhill from there) so it might have something to do with that. But anyways a big obsession of mine is worrying that im manipulative or toxic or too hard on him/have too high of expectations (because my same ex couldn’t live up to my standards so I broke up w him) and my mom sometimes makes me feel like I’m too hard on him so how can I avoid doing something that could make him feel bad or like I’m too clingy but also calming myself down. Sorry that was so long winded lol. Any advice helps!

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Hi. Is there anything you can do on your free weekend to care for yourself? Maybe hang out with girl friends or family? Go to the spa? Something like that? I have had major separation anxiety my whole life, I'm a guy, so it's not just a girl thing. I can understand what you're going through a little bit.

bayleaf 🌱

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Someone99 thank you for your response! these are great suggestions. I’ve never been to a spa but I have a ton of like face masks and stuff at home so maybe I’ll do like a diy spa night and try to hangout with s friend. Separation anxiety is so hard! with my ex I was almost ready for him to be away from me when he’d leave lol (we were long distance so I was more so used to it) but now in my current relationship I’m a wreck when he leaves cause we spend all our time together

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@bayleaf 🌱 The person above had great responses and suggestions. Nothing else really to say except I’ll add this. Are you upset you’re not getting updates to just have him share with you or do you want the updates as a sense of security of what he’s doing and knowing he still loves and isn’t leaving as the past ex was ghosting you? If it’s the former you can always say to him “hey I really enjoy hearing about your day can you tell me at the end of the day all you’ve experienced or at least when you get back can you share all the stories with me?”. Also, you not messaging him is great not going into compulsions! Now if it’s the ladder you can write down something’s to help yourself believe in him and your relationship. “ just because he’s not texting me doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me or disrespects me. He’s having a good time being an individual which is what I fell in love with. Separation makes the heart grow fonder. Our relationship is built on mutual trust. We are together but we do not own each other. He will come back. I can do this and learn to enjoy time on my own. Our relationship doesn’t define who we are. We are individuals working as a team. I trust him”

bayleaf 🌱

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord That is so helpful thank you so much! i think it’s like I want to know he’s still thinking about me and I’m afraid he’s going to just ghost me and have more fun with his friends and forget about me. I also like to know what he’s up to just so I can feel like more involved and know he’s safe I guess. Sometimes I get way too mad at him for the situation. Like I’ll get mad he didn’t text me updates when he said he would but it’s just because he’s busy and I overreact so I’m trying not to message him in anger since I know he doesn’t deserve that and I’m overreacting. Thank you for the tips, it was very insightful and encouraging

Autumn Aura

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord You sound like you have great insight to offer.

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@bayleaf 🌱 Separation anxiety, as well as OCD stem from past hurt. You mentioned a negative experience with your ex, which is understandable that you're sensitive to that repeating. Also, experiences in our early years, like the first few years of our lives do shape us in how we respond to relationships our whole lives. How we love and receive love, nurture and receive nurture, etc. Sometimes that's where we need healing. Self care is very necessary for all of us. Let us know how you're doing today, please? 🙂

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@Autumn Aura Greatly appreciate it 🙏🏻. I’m doing what I can. I’m more than happy to lend insight to anyone and always ready to receive it. I want to help others and if I feel like I can I will.

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@bayleaf 🌱 Man look at you calling yourself out and taking responsibility!! That’s super hard and great work right now. Of course we have to put all that into practice (easier said than done ya know?) and you are! Not messaging him knowing it’s from a place of fear instead a place of love (you enjoy knowing what he’s doing and of course want him to be safe and happy). Focus on the love and focus on his experiences in life haven’t led him to text you back as much as you like BUT it’s his experiences have clearly shown him and you that he loves you and how to be great to you. Definitely it’s your OCD and reassurance compulsion checking in on him to make sure he is still thinking of you and that he is having MORE fun. Just because significant others hang with other ppl or are away from us doesn’t mean they don’t love us. Even if literally in their head we don’t pop up because they are absorbing in their moment all that they are doing doesn’t mean we have left their heart. Also, hanging with certain others brings a different kind of feeling, just like hanging with the boys or hanging with the girls or hanging with family. I do not mean the stereotypical guys and girls night but just the feeling we all have from friendships and conversations that have last so long before our significant others came into our life and maybe conversation a significant other could have with someone else that the other wouldn’t be the most enjoyable to have with. BUT that’s ok! We do not need to define our partner and love is best when it allows us to be free. That’s what real trust and love is. Freedom that they choose to love us and come back to us. I know you know this I was just elaborating on it. One last thing I think you’ll greatly enjoy it and be a good reminder. Google The Prophet (it’s a book) on Marriage (a chapter/passage of the book). It’ll take about a minute to read. Let me know what you think. Oh the author is Khalil Gibran.

bayleaf 🌱

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Someone99 yeah i honestly didn’t even know I had OCD until my breakup and then i could connect the dots to my childhood where i showed symptoms but didn’t know what it was. And thank you so much, it’s really interesting and relieving to hear info on why OCD is what it is especially since im newly diagnosed and dont know a ton. Thank you so much and I’m doing better today! I was able to relax a bit last night with your suggestions and it helped a lot.

bayleaf 🌱

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord You are so right, it’s totally different to be with my girl friends compared to him and thinking about it that way, i value both experiences for different reasons. I tried texting him in a nicer like more exciting way so that he can tell me about his trip and it’s worked so much better to ease my anxiety. Thank you so much for all your help and i will definitely read that and try to update you when I do!

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@bayleaf 🌱 My pleasure! Awesome and great for you! Yea let me know! I’m super interested. I think the passage is so beautiful and believe anyone should give it a read.

bayleaf 🌱

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord I just read it! It’s really insightful and makes a lot of sense with my relationship. Sometimes we definitely do need to let each other be their own person and have space but still be happy together. I like that it expresses to be your own people because i need to remember that

JordTheNord

Date posted: 1y

@bayleaf 🌱 And don’t worry it reminds all of us of that. It also reminds us to be a team and be there for each other. It’s accepting the individual and the group in one motion. Like a wave it can’t be without the trough (lower) and the crest( higher). It’s a beautiful dance

bayleaf 🌱

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@JordTheNord Oh yeah that’s really interesting as well. I def needed that reminder this weekend haha

Someone99

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@bayleaf 🌱 Glad to hear you're ok! 🙂

geminileo

Date posted: 25w

Not doing well (vent)

Hi, I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been struggling for the past month, it’s been a mix of ocd flare ups and depressive episodes. I recently got into a new relationship, one I was not expecting at all as I had just broken up with my long term boyfriend over the summer and was expecting the cycle of being alone for a few years and then dating again. But anyways, my current boyfriend is amazing and so caring and sweet, I told him before we even started dating about my ocd and how I sometimes need constant reassurance and that it can be a lot to deal with it and that I can become clingy and annoying and he didn’t even bat an eye, he just said he likes me as I am and that he will be able to help and support me. We’re dating long distance rn as I’m finishing up college but we constantly text and video chat/call almost every night. My ocd has been constantly gnawing at that and it’s causing my abandonment issues to flare up horribly, I’ve told him a little bit about my ex boyfriend as he was not a very good person, he was much older than me (12 years) and at the start of our relationship he was amazing and said he could deal with my mental health issues (I know no one is obligated at all) but I would communicate to him that it scares me when he doesn’t talk to me for weeks at a time, and at first he said he would try to be better about that but then it turned into him saying I’m annoying and clingy and that I bother him and that he just wants alone time but during that alone time I wouldn’t hear from him at all for two weeks. He also stopped caring about my interests and said I was annoying when I would talk about them and would even get mad when I tried to talk about my day. Anyways being in this new relationship has caused me to fear that my current boyfriend is going to leave me, lost interest in me or that he’s annoyed with me and hates me, which unfortunately has caused me to give into my compulsion of reassurance so I’ve been asking him a lot “do you still like me?” “We’re still together right?” “Have I annoyed you?” And I hate myself for doing that. He is so sweet and I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to drain him, i genuinely have never felt this way about anyone I’ve dated but it’s like he was meant to be in my life and we clicked instantly like it felt like we’ve known each other forever and I don’t want to lose him. My avoidance is getting bad and I’m trying to stop myself from pushing him away but I just feel so guilty and ughhhh it’s so frustrating. I just don’t know how to handle this, I want to be with him and I want to make him happy but I hate that my brain works this way.

Mazy420

Date posted: 25w

Advice on this situation 😭

I’m at a loss about what to do. I’ve been with my partner for about a year. I’ve wanted to be with him for 3 years and now I finally have him, I got out of a really toxic 11 year relationship about 4 years ago so I’ve had plenty of time to heal, things where going so great at first in our relationship and I’m still very much happy with him, I love him more than anything, but the past 5 6 months I’ve been having a constant fear that he’s gonna cheat or watch 🌽behind my back any chance he gets , I know that’s a touchy subject for some, but me personally it just makes me feel that I’m not attractive enough,or feel like I’m not good enough, I’ve never found evidence of cheating, and I’ve found 🌽 in his history once but I told him how I felt and he told me he understood how I felt and wouldn’t do it again,and I know the constant asking everyday and needing for reassurance with it is putting a tear in our relationship, I just want to fix it. Does anyone have any advice on how to redirect my brain whenever I start overthinking about it when I’m not around him? It just puts so much stress on me when I’m not around him cause I’m just constantly in my head about it.

Relationship OCD

Doopydoowa

Date posted: 11w

Please help-relationship advice

Hey everyone. I hope you all are doing okay. I’m currently struggling in the worse way I have through the course of my relationship. We are doing long distance right now, and I am unfortunately in the worse place I have been in. The uncertainty is absolutely unbearable. He is doing a cool new, consuming job 7 hours a way. He loves it, but I fear him loving the job so much that he stops caring about me. I have definitely noticed a shift in the amount of time he texts me and the energy he can give to the relationship. The job actually started off with 2 weeks of no phone. He has it again now though. We saw each other a couple of days ago in person for the last time we would in about two months. I was okayish when we were in person though I knew I would spiral later. And spiral I did. He left and I broke down. I am worried I will lose him. I start a really intensive EMT program in a week. It will be all-consuming for me. I can’t sleep very much and I don’t feel like eating. I know it’s pathetic. I am constantly consumed by these fears. I think I know what I need to do to combat them. Accept uncertainty but it feels like the possibly of it ending feels more real than ever. And I literally can NOT stop thinking about it. My brain feels in danger!!! I just worry that bad stuff is actually happening. I think we are going through a rough patch, but I also just feel more alone than ever. Drowning in my mind. What do I believe? I have a past of ocd, so it wouldn’t be surprised if it’s getting intertwined. Most people would say: it’s okay to ask him for reassurance about the relationship!!! But I feel like that’s the trap for me. I don’t know how to move forward. I know things are tough for us right now. But I’ve been floating back and forth on a spectrum of well maybe I just have trust to maybe this literally won’t work out!!! Texting and communicating over text is really hard for me. I am constantly analyzing it: how much energy is he giving? How much energy am I giving? Well I don’t want to do all the emotional labor, and be the main texter. But I also don’t care about texting that much and get exhausted with this back and forth.

Relationship OCD

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Advice for separation anxiety

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