- Date posted
- 1y ago
Any hope?
Please share your stories of hope and recovery. I’m in a dark place and I need to know it’s possible to carry on.
Please share your stories of hope and recovery. I’m in a dark place and I need to know it’s possible to carry on.
I have overcame OCD and this is my story. I would tell on myself as a child, wash my hands, check to see if I locked the doors multiple times, tell on myself for intrusive thoughts, even if I couldn’t remember if I did something (I never did do it) I would tell on myself for off chance I didn’t want ppl to give me praise or like me when they didn’t know fully who I was by doing these acts (which I never did), this was all between ages 8-13. Then it started that no one liked me including family (this was still in me preteen years but not as prominent), everyone else I saw how awesome and amazing they were and how it made me treat them but then it never felt like I got that in return so I just kept thinking I didn’t deserve it, even though I was successful in academics and athletics my parents made it seem if I didn’t win or do great I might as well be last (ha Ricky Bobby), so then it started on top of no one likes me that “did I say this wrong? Should I have used a different word?. Went into depression had of course other traumatizing events that led to an attempted suicide few days after my 19th bday. Early 20s was a whirlwind but still ok. Mid twenties is when I finally was making steps and later twenties it was leaps. Now I say with confidence that my OCD has gone away. What drove me is when I was between the ages of 8-10 I felt so lonely (felt like it majority of my life) and I promised myself I would never let anyone else feel as lonely as me. I even told my parents I didn’t want any gifts because I didn’t deserve them. I couldn’t understand my existence. I wanted to get better and figure out the world around me to be the light in the darkness for others even if I will always feel lonely I vowed TO NEVER ALLOW someone to feel lonely like I did. I did not just want to bring uplifting, positive, warm energy but to sit with ppl in their darkness and let them know they’re not alone and someone can understand their abyss. I feel confident happy warm and have high energy most of my days which actually is great because I’ve always wanted to feel this instead of my despair. Even when the high energy isn’t there I’m still happy just chill. My main focus and always will be is I did it for others. There are no strangers in the dark. Thanks for reading
there is hope, you just have to remember that these thoughts aren’t yours and there is a way to get those thoughts not to bother your anymore. whenever you feel your having a bad episode of anxiety and feel unsure of yourself, take a deep breath and try and count to 10 see if it helps, but always allow your body to relax so it knows that there isn’t anything to be afraid of so that your fight or flight response lessens. At least that’s what helps me
When you hit rock bottom, there's only one way... UP. When we let go of all control is actually when we start getting better. Medication and therapy have been very good for me the last few weeks. God knows I do not like doing therapy and having to talk about such things, but doing it has actually helped. It's strange, but yes. I'm doing much better; while I still have a way to go.
@RMO2023 I agree therapy has helped me tremendously and I’m only a few weeks in.
Thank you everyone. I am certainly at rock bottom right now and it feels like I might never be truly happy again. But I am going to hang around and pursue further treatment. I need to trust this can improve
I’m cross with myself because for many years I had no serious OCD symptoms – it almost totally vanished from my life. But then my situation changed: my financial situation became insecure and I moved away from my community. My old obsessions started to return because I was vulnerable. Now I’ve developed a new terrifying obsession and I’m genuinely concerned it could destroy me forever. I never doubted with my previous episode that it would come to end eventually; I knew all I needed was treatment and some time to get well. But this time I am seriously afraid. If you’ve ever been in a similar place and recovered please let me know. I’m desperate to believe I can recover from this hideous illness
I hate sitting in my room with only me and my thoughts. I have lost my faith in the lord and can’t seem to get on with my life. I’m so stuck on everything and can’t seem to get better. I keep self harming and get to the point to where I see the second layer of my skin. It gets worse and worse each time I have suicidal thoughts. One of these days it’ll get so bad that well you can probably guess what I may do. I have been abused physically mentally and sexually in my past and it haunts me every single day of my life. Any time I try to talk to someone about my mental health they tell me I’m a waste of their time or that I need to talk to someone other than them. But all that does is make me keep it all bottled up and I can’t take it anymore. They say mental abuse is worse than physical and I can see why they say that. I just want a normal life so I don’t have to be depressed 24/7. It ruins my social life and it makes me loose my friends and family because of how distant I am. I just need help and please give me advice. Also sorry I’m not very good at explaining things.
Ill be honest, I want to write a letter if anything happens, if I loose this battle and put and end to it. But even if my thoughts keep coming, I try to keep my head up, stand up strong and look them at them for what they are, thoughts. I’m still scared, I still can’t go to sleep normally, but I feel a tiny bit of hope. I really hope my feeling is right, I really hope. Whathever happens, I’m still proud of myself, I’m still proud of my achievements, I am proud of me. Whathever happens, please don’t forget This message. Please, don’t forget me
It’s been 4 years. 4 years since I spiralled into a world controlled by rituals of 4, it started as 2, then 3, then 4 - my safe number. The amount of times I wash my hands after touching something dirty and how many repeats it takes until I feel ‘clean’, the amount of taps I make when closing doors to make sure I don’t ‘die’, the amount of times I rinse cutlery and plates before eating off them, the amount of times I disinfect things. My OCD subtype is contamination and I know 2020 lockdowns and the pandemic caused it to spiral but what started as a small ritual quickly became bigger until I no longer remembered what my life was like without the obsessive thoughts of germs and contamination. Could that person be ill? What if I go outside to the shops and someone makes me sick? You can’t answer the door to get that package from the delivery driver because he might make you sick, oh you can’t put the shopping away without disinfecting it first - what if someone has coughed on it? ‘I’ve got to wear gloves to do that’ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. For 4 years I’ve lived like this, the ‘I don’t want to touch that’ or ‘I can’t go to this place because I don’t want to get ill and die’ ‘can you go do that for me as I don’t think I can right now’ - I know my OCD is irrational, I know the likelihood of those things actually happening are slim to none and I know my OCD stems from a need of control in my life because for so many years I felt like everything in my life was out of my control. But no matter how much I know of how many books I read, how many mindful practices I do the panic I feel after being ‘exposed’ or before exposing myself to a trigger is horrible. I’ve avoided and avoided and avoided to the point where something small now seems and feels like an impossible mountain to climb. It often feels like there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel on the dark days, when I know there is, it’s just going to take some time. Despite this on the outside to those not in my circle my life is a whole picture perfect painting. I run my own business, have a nice car, a nice house, a happy relationship and the of best friends and I’m so grateful for all those things but the reality is much different - behind closed doors and hidden in the closest is the OCD monster. I’ve decided now, after 4 years it’s time to change. I’m breaking the cycle and starting anew. The irony that 4 is my safe number too and it’s been 4 years since things started to get dark. I’m ready to lose control and find myself again. Why am I writing this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I found this app recently and hope it can be a help for my ERP practices I’ve been practicing on my own and it’s actually the first time I’ve ever openly posted or spoken about my OCD to date. For years I have lived with a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, hiding my issues from everyone - even my closest friends have no idea how much it impacts my day to day. I’ve felt shame as I can’t control my own mind despite knowing the thoughts are irrational and the rituals only provide temporary relief but each day again and again the safety blanket of the rituals wraps me up and takes over. The only person who truly knows how much it affects me is my partner, who has been by my side through it all, he’s burnt out and has seen first hand the impact it has had on me, my life and my happiness. I’ve sheltered him as much as I can, but I’m sure those who are in relationships with OCD can relate to the burnout their partner feels day in day out. So that’s my story, I hope those going through similar can take comfort in this and know they aren’t alone in it all as my OCD has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and empty for 4 years too long. It feels freeing to finally share my monster and I hope I can connect with others who are on a similar journey to me. The biggest thing I want to be able to do again? I want to be able to hug my loved ones without feeling triggered, I want to go outside and enjoy life without worry, I want to live again. This app has made me feel seen for the first time in a long time and reading your stories, your experiences and how you’re coping is comforting, encouraging and makes me feel less alone ❤️ thank you for reading x
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