Postpartum

Every day my ocd makes sure there’s a new reason for me to stay trapped in my mind rather than being the mom I want to be that my kids need. Instead i’m stuck in my head depressed and pushing them away. The other day I was braiding my daughter’s hair like I always do and her hair is really long so when I get to the end of the braid I can see her butt in my peripheral vision and I looked down and I immediately got upset asking myself why did I look down?(the ocd has made me question everything I do now). I know it’s just because I was at the end of the braid and I just looked because I was already looking in that direction. A normal person wouldn’t even think twice about it. There was no inappropriate reason behind it at all but of course my ocd latched onto the situation and said I looked down because I wanted to look at her butt. I was so upset and said to myself “I don’t understand how the ocd started an intrusive thought because she was wearing baggy pants. I could understand if she had on tight pants and her butt was more noticeable” and the only reason I said that is because usually the only time my ocd starts intrusive thoughts telling me i’m looking at my daughter in a wrong way is when she has on leggings or a crop top or bathing suit ect. Now my ocd twisted what I said to mean that I like looking at her in tight pants. Nooo! That’s not what I meant but now the ocd won’t stop trying to make me believe that. I don’t ever look at my children in any inappropriate way. I hate this. I hate ocd and I can’t live like this anymore.

This might be asking for reassurance but I’m at a point I’m not sure if this is ocd and who better to ask than you guys. Also want to mention I have been to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd and I’ve tried to seek therapy through NOCD but had a bad experience so I’m just looking for an opinion I’ll take with a grain of salt. I’ve been through bouts of pocd that I got through but now it’s morphed into something that feels so different. It’s like harm ocd and pocd together and it revolves around my daughter. Before this happened I was a loving mother who valued my kid more than anything. Now this is happening and it feels so sinister. I’m getting urges to do something bad and I get these feelings like I want to do that and it’s like my brain gets foggy and my values slip away and I feel like I could do it. But then I get a moment of clarity and I’m like wait a minute I’ve never hurt anyone in my life nor have I ever thought about it and this is my child what is happening. But then I get that foggy brain again and it’s like I can’t see her as my child. I try to sit with it and it’s like I get this adrenaline rush and feel like I have to do it. But I know I don’t want to do that, but then it’s like trying to make me want to want to. I’m not sure if I’m just lacking insight and clarity because I’m overwhelmed with the groinals, urges, thoughts and feelings but I just keep obsessing over the fact that death is my only way out. I don’t understand what happened to me. It feels like this demonic oppression and I don’t know how to get through this one or if this is still something I can get through because it might not be ocd. I try to go with the thoughts and feelings and say yeah maybe, maybe not, or yeah I’m going to do that but it seems to fuel the feelings. I feel like I’m teetering between the person I was and this evil awful person who has no regard for others. I don’t want to be around my daughter and I’m just angry all the time. The fear and anxiety used to be something I relied on and I feel none of that now. I used to be able to say “well no matter what I feel or think I can control my actions” and now it feels like I cannot control my actions but I’ve never hurt anyone before. Someone please give it to me straight and tell me if you think this might not be ocd.

Please read this. I’ve had ocd pretty much a lot of my life but never knew what it was until my senior year of highschool. I’m 21 with 2 kids and i believe i’ve had pocd a little bit before my daughter was born (which was 8 months ago). It made me start looking at all kids differently and i hate it. But it really started triggering me about 3 months ago. I’ve been thinking if i’d intentionally touched or harmed my kids the wrong way, or any kids for that matter. This started giving me false memories (or at least hope they are). I’ve been having panic attacks, yelling at myself, punching walls, praying, and even thoughts of ending my own life. I grew up in a severe toxic household throughout my childhood and teenage life. I’ve never wished that on my kids since i became a dad. I wanna give them the life i never got. I look back my photos of my children and i feel like i’m a complete fraud of a dad. I cannot look at my kids or be around them a lot of times. I can’t hold my daughter right. I can’t change their diaper when they need it. Even my son came and was hugging on me the other night while i was watching tv and i acted like a stranger to him. I can very little do this stuff sometimes because it’s either i get relief or i push my thoughts as far back as i can. I get scared if i did something to not just my kids, but any other kids in the past. I have such a a great life and such a beautiful family. It was hard and stressful at first being young with a family but i couldn’t be more thankful at all for them. I’m just so lost and stressed right now that i just don’t know what to do anymore