Afraid I’m in a toxic or abusive relationship

To me it sounds like you have a lot of believes attached to relationships, strict rules that must be fulfilled? Also you seek reassurance by talking with your mom who is clearly not In the position to judge your relationship or give helpful advice since her relationship didn't work out. Maybe you fear your relationship won't work out and you want to gain 100% certainty in this, so you won't get hurt. I suggest writing down all the rules and red flags, all the ideas you have about what a relationship should be and really see that this is a construct that is not realistic nor helpful maybe? In a world were everyone is a relationship expert and tells you what to do is Rocd sufferes feel lost since we want do everything right and be with the right person which however we do not define but rather let define through others opinions. It's okay to have standards. Standard are not "my partner has to be 100% this or that". Standards are "I want to have an honest relationship. I will leave a relationship were violence is involved." However even those standards can become blurry for people with Rocd because we start checking compulsive. I suggest not doing compulsions.no reassurance seeking, no checking etc

It sounds like you’re suffering from a little black and white thinking. Every person is a work in progress and imperfect. Every relationship has room to grow. If you spot mistakes, flaws, or issues you’d like to address, it doesn’t mean your relationship is necessarily toxic or abusive. And it sounds like you’re not quite sure what a “healthy” relationship looks like. You mention comparing your relationship to one’s you don’t admire; how about ones you do? I think even in the best of relationships with the best of people, you’ll still see little jokes that occasionally hurt feelings and flaws that seem like they need fixing. It sounds like you have an overall good relationship with something to work on: you’re not feeling heard. Regardless of how other people joke to their wives, you want to be treated with respect. And you want your ocd to be met with empathy. All you can do is communicate those things. It’s up to him to respond. If he can’t accommodate those very reasonable requests, then maybe you have more to think about. But give him the chance. Also remember that ocd is hard on those around us. Because it’s happening to us, it makes sense that we want support. But our partners need support to. It isn’t easy to be a constant source of support for something you can’t truly understand. And it’s not easy to watch yo ur partner suffer and feel like you can’t help.

I am exactly in your shoes, and ROCD is so hard to deal with because all relationships are completely different something that has helped me during really bad spells is deleting social media and removing myself from situations/conversations that cause me to compare and care about others opinions. Also trying to check in with myself and whether or not I would be offended or saddened by those jokes if anyone else had said them to me or if I thought they were funny before I was in a relationship with him. Sometimes all the rules and expectations that I have defined in my head for what my relationship should look like gets in the way of actually treating it like a relationship with a PERSON rather than a role to fill that can be replaced by a better fit- almost like a job. So humanizing the situation can help as well-that nobody will ever have the same relationship you will and therefore nobody’s advice can really actually apply. Your opinion is the only one that matters

I’ve felt this 100% honestly I can see now that I was being hyper aware / sensitive due to my anxiety. Now that I’m on medication it feels like I took the negative lenses off and realized some of the things I was feeling bad about were not that big of a deal.