OCD Anger

I am so angry with ocd. I hate that ocd even exists. I wouldn’t necessarily say I wanted to be a mom when I was younger. I grew up without my mom around. But now my sisters are both moms and I see them and I feel like I’m missing out. But having pocd and hocd has definitely made me feel like it’s completely out of the question. I even made sure my fiancé knew that I didn’t want children/ feel like I can’t have them for fear of hurting them or passing on mental health issues. I was abused growing up and one of my old therapists told me that “people who are abused can become abusers”. That is something that I am not willing to risk. And even though I feel set on that choice, my brain still tells me that I’m missing out. So I’m constantly questioning if I truly feel like I don’t want them or if ocd is convincing me I don’t. Ugh. It’s just so frustrating.

I have contamination OCD and sometimes I don't feel like cleaning. I have a huge pile of blankets on my floor that feel contaminated and I have two dogs and seven cats. I don't really touch them anymore like I used to since my OCD got worse. One of my dogs like to pee on my floor a lot and sometimes I'm too lazy to clean it, because I'd have to get the carpet shampooer out and actually clean. Sometimes I do it because I don't want to wash my hands over and over, so I just avoid it. Now I'm scared that the dry urine is on my feet and are now in my bed. I know that I should just say well maybe it did or maybe it didn't and just go about my day, but it's hard. For the people who conquered contamination OCD how did you get through stuff like this? Thank you in advance to anyone who answers my post.

My ocd is ruining my relationship with my kids. Because of the intrusive thoughts I avoid being close to them, hugging or cuddling up to watch tv. My ocd is either telling me I wouldn’t care if harm came to them or it turns everything into something sexual or inappropriate. For example, my daughter wanted to show me how long her nails are so she started scratching my arm gently. It felt so nice and relaxing and I immediately panicked because I was scared the ocd would cause a groinal and I don’t ever, ever want a feeling like that connected with my child even though I know it’s the ocd causing it and not me i’d still feel horrible. I just want to be a normal loving affectionate mom and I can never be that for my kids because of ocd😪 I don’t see any other parents posting about going through this or commenting that they do and how they cope. I feel so alone and defeated.