Im starting to believe that I am gay

My intrusive thoughts have been so consistent and loud and distressing I don’t know if what I’m feeling for my coworker (the reason the HOCD started) is false attraction or actual attraction. I never looked at her as more than a friend until one day I told myself “I wish I had this connection with my bf” after having intense ROCD for months prior. He and I started having opposite schedules and we never saw each other so it felt like I missing out intimate connection we had but of course ROCD made it 100x worse. It spiraled so bad from there. I’m having urges like I want to kiss her and touch her but I’ve NEVER had that before. It literally started with a thought to myself. Sometimes I can see myself w girl (I don’t get anxiety anymore I just feel numb) and sometimes it’s uncomfortable and not for me, and sometimes I can see myself with a man (I thought I was straight all my life), other times I don’t see myself with either. My thoughts did a complete 180° from before I had OCD and I truly don’t know what to believe about myself. I’m doubting every interaction I’ve ever made with guys even though I know I’ve never been attracted to girls growing up. This doesn’t feel like me but at the same time it does.

Mr. Solo Dolo

Date posted: 2y

Before you assume that your thoughts are set in stone. Try to let your thoughts be there next time they come. Don’t tell yourself you don’t want the thought, don’t ask yourself why this thought is appearing, don’t be sorrowful that you’re getting the thought. Next time you get a thought that’s saying you like girls, react to it like this, “Who knows, maybe this thought is true🤷🏾‍♂️ Who knows,” then don’t give it a second thought and just go about your day. I promise you that if you’re able to do this, you will feel a lot better.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mr. Solo Dolo It’s super hard though because I’ll have moments where i feel better and then it’ll hit me almost like “you haven’t thought about it in a while, here you go” I just don’t know what to do because it’s affecting my relationship knowing well how happy he’s made me and how safe Ive felt with him. And I’m overthinking everything I’m doing around Her, like I’m fidgeting a lot when I talk to her that must mean I like her, I remember doing that once before so that proves it

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Mr. Solo Dolo Sorry to rant to you it’s just so distressing

Mr. Solo Dolo

Date posted: 2y

@Right.on This is all part of the process. I kickbox, and one day during the period where my HOCD was really bad, a noticed an attractive man who was in my class who’d never been there before. I started getting intrusive thoughts saying that he’s hit or sexy, and other thought about wanting to have sex with him. It drove me mad. So every time after that day, whenever I saw him or was around him I would get anxious. The only way to get over your anxiety and thoughts is to confront them. So I decided to start a convo with this guy. And guess what? Nothing happened, we spoke about sparring, and that was that. I didn’t try to kiss him, I didn’t tell him he was hot. Nothing. After that, my fear of seeing him or being near him slowly went away. If you act fearful around your friend, you’re telling your mind that it’s something you should be fearful of. Just talk to her like old times while acknowledge your unwanted intrusive thoughts, you’ll be good. I promise.

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I feel you, I started believing I was gay as well and this made me spiral out of control. I went back and forth between being with a woman vs a man, or both, and I just got worse bc I kept trying to put myself in a box and find 100% certainty. But after doing ERP, I don’t label myself or try to figure it out—I just let the thoughts and feelings be, which has helped me immensely. The problem here is not your sexual orientation; it’s about trying to find a definitive answer. Ruminating, checking your attraction, reassuring yourself etc. will only make it feel more real. It will be difficult to stop doing compulsions at first, so try delaying them for as long as possible instead. Whenever we give these thoughts attention, it gains more power over us. It’s important to remember that thoughts and feelings aren’t facts. The best thing to do is push through the discomfort and keep living your life. It’s going to be hard and painful, but it really helps if you practice consistently. That’s what I’ve done and the thoughts don’t bother me as much anymore. So if I can do it, so can you ❤️‍🩹

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@blazed Letting the feelings be scares me because I never once had any sort of feelings that made me think I was attracted to women, I love my boyfriend and I don’t want to leave him. I understand just sitting with the uncertainty but it’s hard when a month ago I knew I loved him and was attracted to him but now I’m questioning everything

blazed

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Right.on I definitely get you. This is textbook OCD bc it’s attacking what you care about most: your relationship with your boyfriend. When you said you love him, that’s coming from *you* and is how *you* genuinely feel. The rest is OCD throwing around doubt and fear. While it’s easier said than done, do the opposite of what the thoughts tell you. If you find yourself avoiding him, then spend more time with him, for example. The first step is taking the leap of faith and trusting yourself through the process. You got this.

Pogoshow

Date posted: 22w

SOOCD

I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life I’ve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked “zesty” in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now I’m always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if I’m attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I don’t even know what my sexuality is and it’s really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the way😭😭😭 please any advice or comments

ryan_12

Date posted: 18w

What is this ?

Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.

Mimo116

Date posted: 17w

I have HOCD,pls answer and share your opinion

I really need help understanding what I’m going through. For a long time now, I’ve been struggling with thoughts and feelings about women that confuse and scare me. Sometimes I feel this strange emotional or mental ‘pull’ toward certain women — it’s not exactly sexual, and not clearly romantic either, but it feels like something, and it triggers deep anxiety. When I see a beautiful woman or a WLW (woman-loving-woman) couple, I feel something that I can’t explain — sometimes I think it’s just admiration or aesthetic appreciation, but OCD keeps telling me: “You felt something, so you must be gay,” or “You’re hiding something.” I get stuck in endless loops, trying to analyze these moments and label them. Even when I feel physical or emotional reactions, they don’t feel natural or aligned with who I am. They feel like a reaction to the idea of women, not real attraction. I try to be honest with myself — I even told a friend I might be bisexual at some point, just to test if that felt more comfortable. But it didn’t. It made things worse, and I felt like I lost touch with who I am. I don’t want to lie to myself or live in denial, but I’m exhausted. It feels like I’m being mentally forced to feel something that isn’t mine. I’m 14, and I understand that things might still be developing, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve always been drawn to men, and never naturally wanted women that way. Still, I keep doubting everything. Is this real attraction or OCD feeding false feelings and thoughts? Can OCD create emotional or mental sensations that feel like desire? I’m so scared that I’ll lose myself, or find out something I never wanted. I just want peace and to feel like myself again.

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Im starting to believe that I am gay

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