I’m not pure

I have this crush on this girl, 2 years older than me. She's beautiful and whenever I just see her smiling at my jokes I feel happy. But now it will be all come to an end. One hour ago I remembered that she had a little brother and thought to myself "it would be unforgivable if I had an intrusive disgusting thought about her brother" Since I had that thought I started having disgusting thoughts and images about it... they were vivid but I assure you they were disgusting and repulsive enough. I'm trying to stop the thoughts from happening and becoming worse and more repulsive than they already are, but they keep coming. To make matters worse, other triggering images from the past that haunted me are returning, trying associate to this event, like disturbing se&ual images of a specific private part that disturbs me a lot, very graphic... I don't know if I can even write it. Also when I opened instagram to occupy my mind, while i was scrolling the reels I came across a scene of a movie which had herotic women and I was turned on. And the fact that I was turned on, was an additional slice on my skin, because it feels like an association with the previous intrusive thoughts, that it was a consequence of those thoughts. Now I will have to avoid her... how can I look at her knowing that I made his brother an object of my pocd? She was someone pure, like a beacon of light for me, an innocent crush that lived outside ocd that could let me live the life of a normal teenager. Now even that is gone. I can't forgive myself for what I did. But maybe is better this way because she won't be near a monster. Also how delusional I am to even hope to have a "relationship" with her. She would be horrified of this post. This post is definitively a compulsion. And I hate how her and his brother are mentioned together with disgusting and degenerated things. I'm truly sick in the head. I don't deserve compassion or understanding.

I believe I’ve always had intrusive/OCD thoughts. When I was younger I always repeated phrases because my brain went “if you don’t do this your whole family will die” but it wasn’t anything too bad. However, when I was 15 I entered my first relationship. I had divorced parents and didn’t know what love was - so it ended up being abusive and I did not know. He forced me to disclose all the people I found attractive as well as all the “unpure” thoughts I had. He deemed fantasizing cheating - which I respected - but also caused for a lot of intrusive thoughts to make me freak out. He also gaslit me and accused me of cheating for the lightest things (gave my cousin a side-hug) and prohibited me from getting male friends because he thought I’d cheat (I’ve never been unfaithful or even flirted w another man. I’ve always had strong morals about it) I believe this trauma is what made my ocd what it is now, since I’m used to being accused for stuff I didn’t understand or have control over. I believe that understanding OCDs roots allows me to heal because it reminds me that I could exist without this thoughts and still had a good moral compass.

OCD making me feel like a terrible human being. Focusing entirely on my flaws I forget the good things about myself. Sometimes I question if I ever had any. My OCD does center around themes that question my morality. Lately I’ve scared myself into believing I’m a covert narcissist. That comes heavily from my ROCD and CPTSD symptoms lately. I look at my partner who is such an accomplished, educated man…and then I look at myself as a woman who has let the years pass by out of fear. It makes it worse he wants to help me. Get me back into school. Help with my finances. I feel like such a parasite at times. He deserves better. Idk I just needed to type this out and get it off my chest.