Does anyone else get so tied up about ‘proving’ whether something did or didn’t happen? And they feel like they can only be happy if they prove OCD wrong? Been going to extremes recently to look for evidence if I did something and after finding nothing, feel very low.
this is literally me 😢
Do you want to chat?
I’ve been here. Actually am here now.
It’s horrible isn’t it, takes up so much time and energy. It’s catch 22 because as soon as I try to treat the thoughts like rubbish I feel bad in case I’m in denial
@ukolibed Yes. And then it feels like I “find” evidence that it happened. Mine stem from when I was drunk and don’t remember everything.
Can I ask is it relating to infidelity/relationships
@ukolibed It was in the past. But now I have Harm OCD so it’s more around that.
It’s the possibility that something ‘could’ have happened and there’s nothing we can do to prove otherwise that feels horrible. Even though we know it’s a thought it feels so real
@ukolibed Oh yah. I’ve been CONVINCED I did something even though I’ve had people there tell me I didn’t.
Same, I guess the only comfort is that if even if we managed to ‘solve’ what was on our minds now, it would move to something else. But each worry feels like it’s the truest one and none of the ones before it matter any more
Have you had periods where your OCD just ‘goes’ then comes back?
Yup! I’m 35. And for many years it wasn’t so bad. Then when I was 31, a new theme started. I felt okay for a few years and then bam, it’s back.
I feel like mines started when I was young as a coping mechanism for certain things and it actually served me. It’s carried forward into adulthood and made my life hell lol. Im finding it hard to come to terms with living with OCD, I can’t seem to find a happy balance of pacifying it and ignoring it
@ukolibed Are you doing ERP?
I have been doing but struggle to follow through/stick with it…my therapist has highlighted that I most likely have ADHD which I’m waiting for an assessment
Though definitely fallen off the wagon with it recently, and instead focused on finding proof.. school boy error lol
@ukolibed I’m in the same boat. I have a hard time sticking to it. It feels weird and it feels not right, even though that’s how it’s supposed to feel.
I felt rubbish when I was doing it but looking back I feel like my head was a lot clearer and I was thinking rationally. I’ve noticed that when I’ve thrown the ERP out the window I’ve lost control on my thoughts
@ukolibed Same here. We just have to keep pushing through and we will come out the other side so much stronger! But I get stuck. Especially with false memory. Like I’ll feel confident in tackling it but then I think “well if it really happened then none of this makes a difference.”
Yeah I get you, I feel like it’s a defence mechanism that’s working too hard. Just like anxiety. Just have to accept the worst is a possibility and know there’s always chance of a good life if the worst case scenario turns out to be true. Nothing is unsurvivable. For me I can’t deal with the thought of losing my partner.
@ukolibed I know EXACTLY how you feel. That’s where my core fear is. I’ll do something and lose who I love. It’s not always cheating. Sometimes it’s “oh I’ll hurt someone and go to jail and then lose my love.”
Do you speak to your partner about your worries?
Mines always about cheating, even though I haven’t and never would though I can’t seem to get it out my head that I have
@ukolibed I’ve spoken to them. But keep in mind, confessing is a compulsion so it may make us feel better for a minute but then it feeds the cycle.
I know but it feels so real, and I feel like I’m living a lie if I don’t ‘confess’. Like they deserve to know it’s possibly a truth
@ukolibed That’s your OCD! That’s completely normal to feel that way. Try not to give in.
Thank you I’m trying, more than happy to chat if you ever want to 😊
@ukolibed Thank you! Same to you. I know it’s hard. I’m right there with you. We all are.
Thank you, it’s a shame there’s not a messenger option on here. It’s nice to know there’s others in the same boat x
Does anyone else experience a moment of clarity where you feel strong relief that the intrusive thought isn’t true, only to then immediately start questioning if you’ve only convinced yourself that because you don’t want the thought to be true? I’m pretty confident it would take some crazy mental gymnastics to actually successfully convince myself I didn’t do something that I deep down knew I did, but every time I resist the compulsions and try to sit with the uncertainty or tell myself to think about what is logical, I usually briefly know that this probably didn’t happen but am unable to move on out of fear I’m just in denial and have convinced myself of that.
Hey all, I’ve been having some ebbs and flows in recovery, but for the most part I’ve really had a lot of improvements in quality of life since starting treatment in 2023. Something that really trips me up is ruminating on my past and looking for “evidence” or “proof” that the things that I’m obsessed with are real and not OCD. I spend quite a lot of time doing this. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until recently. Example: that I’m secretly gay and lying to everyone (I’m bi), that I’m a horrible person deep down, that I’ve never actually loved any person including my family, that I have the “wrong” political or religious beliefs. I look for proof in every corner of my past. It makes some sense that I think this way because with my previous therapist, who I saw for 8 years and did not diagnose me with OCD, we would look for evidence and proof that my obsessions are irrational and I learned to deal with them that way. At the time it was a lot of health concern and contamination themes, but I literally learned to ruminate and search for relief. But I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I got diagnosed with OCD. It’s a frustrating compulsion that keeps showing up for me. What if these scary things are true? What if it’s not OCD at all and I’m in denial? Have I lied my way into thinking I have OCD? It’s so hard. Anyway, I’m curious if anyone else has come across this in recovery? Let me know your thoughts and I hope you’re well. ❤️
My OCD is continuing to have me constantly check and check and check! I keep doubting and am very confused! How can I get out of this trap!!!!!
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