Important part of recovery

If someone told me what I’m about to say when I was in the depths of my OCD, I probably would’ve punched them in the face. However, it is an important part of recovery. Stop looking for an answer. Like seriously, don’t half ass it. The subtype I recently had was SO OCD that stemmed from ROCD. I didn’t even realize this, but during my recovery, I was secretly waiting for the moment I could confidently say “Yes I am straight” with no voice of doubt. That’s not the point of recovery, and it was what was actually hindering my progress. You have to fully accept you may indeed be whatever you fear. Having SO OCD is no guarantee you are not the sexuality you fear (it’s unlikely, but possible). Seeking certainty is the exact opposite of what OCD recovery is about. You have to 1) identify your fears, 2) throw any expectations for recovery away, and 3) do ERP properly. All you know is you have OCD (yes, even despite the the voice saying you don’t) and you have to deal with that. I said this in another post, but I’ll say it again: OCD is not a once and done sort of deal, it can come up later in the future (same subtype or diff), and it’s the unfortunate reality of our lives, but oh well🤷‍♀️we can’t wallow in anxiety and self pity forever

Nica

Date posted: 1y

Yes! 👏🏻

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

I can’t do this. It’s too much fear. I don’t wanna be gay at all. I overcame this and it’s come back Worser. I can’t do this

kaa0120

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymo12 Im rly sorry, but one is going to do it for you. Having to pick yourself up after you’ve fallen what feels like farther than rock bottom is the hardest thing, but only you can do it. I had so ocd during late puberty and it somehow went away without therapy or any ERP (legitimately no idea how), and one year ago was when it came back even worse. I lived in a state of constantly being on the verge of tears and having no idea what to do and iterating the same script in my head. But I realized that therapy was too expensive, and no one else was going to do this for me. Study OCD like some other subject in school. Become an expert on the condition. Then you start small exposures WITH prevention (don’t just expose yourself and start doing mental compulsion), and when you feel ready you move up the hierarchy.

kaa0120

Date posted: 1y

@kaa0120 You can’t live your life on this app forever reassuring yourself.

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@kaa0120 I’m doing uncertainty, maybe maybe not. But it’s hard. Have u recovered from this?

kaa0120

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymo12 Depends on what you mean by recovered. I am finally enjoying my life again. I can hang out with my friends and not want to cry, vomit, and escape because my OCD is painting vivid sexual scenes with them. I can meet new people of the same sex and not think of sexual things anymore. I can have sex with my boyfriend only because I want it, not because I’m using it as a compulsion. Whenever OCD throws a new angle at me, I am able to get recognize it, smile to myself, and say “hell yes I am a lesbian or whatever” and carry on with my day. The thoughts are MUCH less to the point they’re hardly recognizable. But the most important thing is, I know if my OCD were triggered by smth I see, I know I could use ERP to manage it. I had many back door spikes and went right back into obsessions and compulsions many times though. I was extremely fortunate to realize about 5-6 months in that what I was experiencing didn’t make any logical sense. I literally searched “obsessive thoughts about being gay” and read about hocd and it matched up so fucking well. Ofc I quickly found out about ERP and kept trying and miserably failing for a couple months. It wasn’t until 3 months ago that I put my foot down and said I was doing this for real with no excuses. The reason I kept failing during the first couple months is the same as I mentioned in another post. It’s easy to do ERP when your anxiety is lower. But it’s most critical and beneficial to do it when your anxiety (or really any other emotion ocd is causing like sadness) is at the highest. Some people say it’s okay to reassure yourself at peak anxiety to bring yourself down from it, but I would disagree. It’s at those moments you make the most progress.

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@kaa0120 I’m a guy and it’s just hard. I’ve lost it all. Sex drive attractions, erections. I’ve had it badly. Very very badly

kaa0120

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymo12 I don’t think there’s rly a difference between how it can manifest in guys and girls. Groinal, low to non existent libido, constant questions in head, replaying childhood memories, etc. The one person who helped me most was a lovely woman name Chrissie Hodges on YouTube. She also had SO OCD and she makes videos covering every kind of topic, even the most shameful ones. Do not use her videos as compulsions, but she can rly help you to understand and be compassionate.

Anonymo12

Date posted: 1y

@kaa0120 Childhood memories are the worst especially when I was a weird kid who played with dolls ona few occasions which I look back and do cringe yes. I’m taking a more religious route now

Wed_Wheel

Date posted: 24w

My SO OCD

I have just recently realized that I had SO OCD. This began whenever I was watching porn and had an intrusive thought about the guy in the porn. It was more minor at first, it was a majority of what I was thinking about throughout the day but it didn’t feel as distressing at first. If I had downtime to think about it, it would affect me but if I was just going about my day I wouldn’t notice it. I began going through the compulsions of checking myself. This lasted for a while until another obsession occurred. Then it seemed as if my SO OCD took a step back. I would have flare ups but they would seem to pass. Recently, I had a very bad night of constant compulsions and looking at pictures and imagining things to check myself. After that night it was very distressing, it affected me to the point where people around me began to notice and ask me if I was okay. One of the big reasons I was so upset was my girlfriend, we have been together for over 3 years and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I was thinking “Oh my god, if I am gay I can never be with her.” I would sit and cry about it thinking I would lose her and that might life would change because I was gay. I finally had enough and talked to her and my parents. We did some research and I was so shocked to find out that I had a form of OCD, it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders just knowing that other people have been where I am and that I’m not gay. However, I may have naively expected the compulsions and obsessive thoughts to go away now that I knew I had an actual problem. But I found that the compulsions and thoughts were still there and I was going to put some effort into getting better. I have researched and now know what to do when experiencing intrusive thoughts, yet I still have been performing the compulsions which is just feeding into the OCD. I find myself having intrusive thoughts and then start performing compulsions to see if they are true. What really bothers me is when I have an intrusive thought that tells me that I do like something. But when I think about it I have no desire to pursue those thoughts. However when I feed into the compulsions they just seem to feed into each other. It is like my OCD ignores all the things that I know I like and goes straight to panic mode. I am also trying to do ERP and am going to start doing my best to get better. Does anyone have any tips for not performing the compulsions no matter how anxious you are feeling and no matter how real the intrusive thoughts seem to feel?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Cody Fournier

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 23w

OCD switches themes

I was just thinking about how OCD tries to be tricky and switches themes on us!! The amount of times I have said to myself in the past, IF ONLY I HAD THE OLDER THEME I USE TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE THIS NEW ONE IS SO MUCH WORSE!!! Has anyone ever experienced this before? Once I started ERP therapy, I began to really start understanding what mental/physical compulsions I was doing to really keep my OCD alive! While I did this, I would also tap into my self-compassion bucket, even when it felt like it was dry at times, because it was SO easy to judge myself for because of the sheer presence of my thoughts. I would also have the most self-compassion for myself for those taboo intrusive thoughts that really felt so strong, ego-dystonic and real!!! My OCD would hop around from theme to theme and just when I thought I figured it out (compulsion) it would hop again and make me discouraged! I noticed for me that once I really understood my compulsions, it didn't matter when the theme switched as I could tackle it at its core. If I was able to stay steadfast and resist compulsions the best I could, I started to notice that my CONFIDENCE increased in the long run! I also noticed that some of the core fears were the same for different OCD subtypes. OCD treatment is hard BUT living with OCD is harder. I have experienced subtypes including Harm OCD, ROCD, Moral Scrupulosity, Sensorimotor, Contamination, Perfectionism/Just Right, Hit and Run, Magical Thinking, Real Event/False Memory. ERP therapy allowed me to really work on stopping these compulsions and switching from theme to theme. I was fed up with what OCD took from me and I needed to do something about it. I talked to an ERP therapist and it was one of the best decisions of my life. If you are struggling, keep pushing and get the help you deserve!! You got this!!!

anonymous00001

Date posted: 22w

Looking for “proof” that it’s not OCD

Hey all, I’ve been having some ebbs and flows in recovery, but for the most part I’ve really had a lot of improvements in quality of life since starting treatment in 2023. Something that really trips me up is ruminating on my past and looking for “evidence” or “proof” that the things that I’m obsessed with are real and not OCD. I spend quite a lot of time doing this. I wasn’t fully aware I was doing it until recently. Example: that I’m secretly gay and lying to everyone (I’m bi), that I’m a horrible person deep down, that I’ve never actually loved any person including my family, that I have the “wrong” political or religious beliefs. I look for proof in every corner of my past. It makes some sense that I think this way because with my previous therapist, who I saw for 8 years and did not diagnose me with OCD, we would look for evidence and proof that my obsessions are irrational and I learned to deal with them that way. At the time it was a lot of health concern and contamination themes, but I literally learned to ruminate and search for relief. But I just kept getting sicker and sicker until I got diagnosed with OCD. It’s a frustrating compulsion that keeps showing up for me. What if these scary things are true? What if it’s not OCD at all and I’m in denial? Have I lied my way into thinking I have OCD? It’s so hard. Anyway, I’m curious if anyone else has come across this in recovery? Let me know your thoughts and I hope you’re well. ❤️

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