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So things have been okay in my relationship. I feel better after my medication and I’m able to get through my days. I’m slowly battling my OCD but it is hard when it gets colder. I found that because I find happiness in my relationship, the fear of him leaving becomes more and more prominent. There’s a huge feeling in my chest and stomach and even in my mind that something bad is going to happen and he’s going to disappear from my life completely. Right after we’ve been having important discussions (at least to me since I’m in college and been wanting to build my life after I graduate) about marriage and moving in an apartment together. What’s wrong with me? Is this OCD? I keep asking for recurrence that he still loves me and won’t leave me. But that feeling won’t go away. Maybe I’m destined to be alone. Because I truly really love him.

benny1977

Date posted: 1y

I won't lie and say it was easy because it's not. The stigmas were at times ridiculous. Even at 12 and 13 years old I was very aware of family members who knew of my illness. I had a uncle who treated me like I was contagious. I'm not sure that get better is the way I would put it. Through drugs, and proper professional help from a psychologist I have been better able to cope with the illness. The fact that your boyfriend knows and you are starting to think of planning your life together is another great way you have to cope. Another way is to educate yourself and your boyfriend on OCD, what it feels like for the person suffering with it and how those closest to you can best help you in your times of need with it. You live now in a far better world of acceptance now that when I was growing up. Society as a whole still has a tremendous way to go even with the advances we've made. Here's the best way to look at your illness. It is an illness, there's a chemical imbalance in our brain to do with serotonin. It's an illness the same way diabetes is an illness, the way high blood pressure is an illness, the same way IBS is an illness. You didn't choose to have this illness anymore than someone chooses to have diabetes. And like other illness there are different ways, different remedies and different drugs used to help you with them. Please take advantage of these. I for other reasons didn't have these available to me. Please take advantage of all the ways to educate not only yourselves, but also your boyfriend, your family so they understand it better. I know you'll be OK. Just take things one day at a time, our one hour at a time. When your obsessing try your best to step back somehow take a breath try to distract yourself in some way. Music does it for me. And before you say it, I know how that can be to do, believe me. But you can, you will be OK

TheWorrierIAna

Date posted: 1y

@benny1977 Thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve said here. I’m sorry that things had to be the way they were back then, and I hope now you’re able to have access to options that help us cope with our illness. I used to have therapy when I was younger for different reasons but it helped the anxiety/OCD I was unaware of. Now being older I take advantage of all the opportunities I can to help myself navigate this confusing time. Your story means a lot to me, being able to hear someone who’s gone through life and helping others. Thank you, again.

benny1977

Date posted: 1y

You're very welcome.

Madison the ...

Date posted: 1y

If the feeling don’t go away permanently even after asking for reassurance, it’s definitely OCD my friend!! ❤️ do you use any ERP tools?

Madison the ...

Date posted: 1y

@Madison the ERP Ninja *won’t

TheWorrierIAna

Date posted: 1y

@Madison the ERP Ninja It doesn’t go away but there are moments when I’m fine. I have started to! It’s been really scary so I’m taking baby steps but exposing myself to uncomfortable situations and resisting my compulsions have been rewarding? Though I’m sure I could do more.

Madison the ...

Date posted: 1y

@TheWorrierIAna So proud of you!!!!! That’s exactly how you break free of OCD! Definitely reward yourself for those steps you take — I know facing those triggers and resisting compulsions is not easy! And always remember accepting uncertainty is key ❤️

benny1977

Date posted: 1y

It is the OCD that is doing this to you. I can speak from experience. I'm 59 now and I've had this illness since I was 22 years old. When I was in college at 20 years old like you I had a girl end a relationship with me that completely blindsided me. A year later I was in another relationship and when it began to get more serious because of this previous blindsided breakup I also needed constant reassurance that she wouldn't break up with me as well. Since this was 1986 telling her (because I knew it was my OCD) that I had OCD and this was why I needed the reassurance also would have ended the relationship, I kept on the path and the relationship slowly disintegrated. But that was 1986, and this is 2023. It sounds like he knows of your OCD. So you can tell him exactly what you said in the 1st part of your note that you find happiness in your relationship and the need for constant reassurance is coming from your OCD. You have an option which I didn't have 37 years ago. I hope you have been able to tell him of your OCD. If you haven't, I have another story of the dangers of hiding it. Hang in there. Treatments are a million percent better now than when I was your age, awareness of what mental illness is, is a zillion times better than when I first heard my OCD diagnosis at 12 years old in 1977.

TheWorrierIAna

Date posted: 1y

@benny1977 Wow. That was really powerful to read- It helps to hear stories from people who have been dealing with this for years. My boyfriend does know about my OCD. A few months ago, September, we split for about a day because I let my OCD control my impulses. I’m fortunate enough that he gave me another chance and we’ve been going to couples therapy and I’m on medication. I’m doing better. But it’s hard to manage, especially those feelings that you can’t decipher if it’s OCD or a gut feeling. And everyone says to trust your gut, but it’s hard when it’s OCD and it’s not your gut at all. As you are someone who grew up in a world full of stigma, how did you battle your OCD? How did you manage to get better?

benny1977

Date posted: 1y

Sorry the 1st part should say since I was 12 years old.

user36373738

Date posted: 16w

Has anyone ever felt like this I’m freaking out

I have had ocd in my relationship for a while now. When I originally met him it was like this insane spiritual soulmate feeling and we just clicked instantly and he never judged me. I’m scared cause when I picture breaking up with my boyfriend I see myself being ok and being sad but moving on which I never was able to see before doesn’t this mean that this is what would happen or I don’t know till it happens? I still can’t imagine what life would be like without him but I just feel like I have lost feelings that I never wanted to lose. plus that’s also when I just picture knowing how people move on and how I’d just have to move on without letting myself picture processing the losses of all. I’m just really scared cause I used to think of wanting other things in someone else and what it would be like but I just thought how nice it would be to have it and not actually meaning it bc every time I thought about it I got upset and now it feels diff. He knows I have ocd but I never explained the ROCD because I thought it would have offended him so every time I went through a flare up I never told and acted like I was fine and it kept happening and OCD kept getting worse and worse. Maybe that’s part of the issue cause I haven’t been feeling like myself. But this is a feeling I never wanted to feel ever with him. I have gone through the feeling of numb but not like this. And he has a lot of positives but I can only see him overall as negatives and I’ve been told that’s ocd but it’s affecting how I feel. And yes there are legit actual things in the relationship that upset me but ocd has been affecting the way I look at him also. I keep being told my judgment is being impaired but this time it rly feels like not. And I’m Scared why don’t memories and things affect me like it used to doesn’t that mean I want this. Has anyone experienced this or is this the end 😭

cmax20

Date posted: 16w

ROCD

for a few days now I’ve been super anxious about my relationship. I’ve been anxious about it before but lately it’s been worse than normal. I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, I love my boyfriend so much and he treats me so so well. The only thing is that I’ve been having scary thoughts that what if I’m lying to him and don’t actually love him? What if I don’t find him attractive? And like what if the only way to stop being anxious is to break up with him? I don’t want to leave him and I am so scared. I feel like I’m lying to him by not telling him what’s going on because he might think I’m actually going to leave him, which I’m really not going to. I have had anxiety since before we started dating and incestual and sexual ocd, then I got into a point where I started having religious ocd, and now I have ROCD on top of that I think. I’ve never been diagnosed but I’m going to therapy and figuring things out but I’m so scared. Idk what to do and I feel like if I talk to anyone they’re going to say I have to leave him.

ellij

Date posted: 16w

ROCD flare up

Lately my ROCD has been flaring up, making it difficult to even be around my partner. I’m having so many troubling thoughts with the one that bugs me most being, “maybe this isn’t my OCD, maybe I’m just in a bad relationship and I’m trying to cover it up and blame it on OCD”. This thought really scares me because there are valid doubts in my relationship but my boyfriend and I have openly talked about them and are trying to work through. My OCD won’t take that as an option tho. It makes me feel like I need to be 100% certain that these things can NEVER happen again or else we need to break up immediately. So anything he says in that moment about trying to do better, my OCD will not trust anything he says and just wait until the next “bad thing” happens. When I continuously bring these things up to my boyfriend even tho nothing has happened between these conversations, it exhausts him making it feel like he can never do enough. I feel so bad because I know it’s just my OCD getting in the way. But then that thought creeps in saying I can’t trust him because I need to protect myself. It’s just an ongoing cycle that is so tiring. I don’t even know what I want anymore. We are very opposite when it comes to emotions. I am very in tune and very emotionally intelligent, and he is not. He is the opposite. I do recognize that my anxious attachment style may be hard for him too but I can’t stop thinking about all of his flaws and all of the things he needs to do to make our relationship better. It makes me feel like I’m the only one putting in effort when in reality that is not true. But my OCD does make me feel like he doesn’t really love me or want to be with me and that he feels forced to be with me or do things for me. It makes me feel like him being with me is like a chore. Can anyone relate? My OCD just makes me feel like I can’t trust anything he says to make our relationship better.

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