Fantasizing or Forcing my Intrusive Thoughts??

I encourage you to read, I apologize in advance if this is too long. In 22 years of my life… I think this is the lowest point of my mental health it’s ever been… depressed would probably be a far-fetched statement but I’ve having more sadder days, more angered days. Today had to be one of the worst days I’ve ever had in my life so far… Recently, I’ve been overthinking EVERY SINGLE MOVE I’ve made, like seriously… every single move I’ve made. Here’s some recent examples. ( 3/4 of these happened today ) • I’ll hear some good music, I’ll dance … but I’ll stop because it feels like there’s a sexual intent behind. • I’m laying down, I put my hand behind the back and get comfortable… but I’ll put this image in my head so that this nice feeling has some sort of sexual sensation behind it and I’ll move my hand, being disgusted with the thought. • I’m half-asleep, these intrusive thoughts are intruding me, I sleep on my stomach which now enhances the sexual thoughts ( wanted or unwanted, mostly unwanted these days, I try to sleep in different positions but it doesn’t help ) and I’m groaning, acknowledging these disgusting thoughts, but I don’t switch my sleep position which feels like I’m encouraging the thoughts, it always feels like I encourage my intrusive thoughts more when I’m sleep/half-asleep. • (this is the worst one ) I usually take walks to listen to music and calm down but today… it did NOT work at all, I became more frustrated then I was before. I was walking back home. I noticed someone near my house and I assumed the worst thing possible ( what if it’s a kid/teen? ) and avoided to look, then I ended up looking at my house … but here’s the twist, I looked at the house as if it was the assumed kid/teen I was trying to avoid, I actually ended up looking at the person to prove a point ( didn’t work, I don’t know if it was an adult or kid? Barely looked at them ) So, the situation has gotten worse by the day… but here’s the worst. I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I love to watch movies and I sometimes challenge myself to watch a movie everyday whenever I get the chance to. I watched a hilarious movie the other day, so I decided to watch the sequel… so y’know, same main characters. The love interest is beautiful and she appears in the second movie… of course she’s an adult, mid-late twenties when both the movies came out but I’ll still assume the worst for no reason. It was her first appearance in the sequel, I closed my eyes because I heard a woman’s voice and assumed the worst, then I realized it was her. Once again, she looked very beautiful…but my mind was tormenting me… one second, it felt like I could look at her, then one second, it felt I shouldn’t look at her. Now, this is when it got really bad… she had a very revealing top, I had the same situation… “oh, I could look, wait… No I don’t think I should… I can look, its nothing to worry about… no bro, I don’t think I should. “ I’m watching the movie on my laptop, so I decided to cover her top with my backhand, I still assumed the worst so I closed my eyes. My hand was placed on the laptop screen and my fingernails had touched the screen, I noticed that feeling… and for a brief moment, I slightly moved my hand back and forth… but there was my image of my head as my eyes were closed, that I was touching her chest, where my fingernails were placed as I covered the screen. I felt like I liked it for a second, I think I did … but I immediately felt disgusted, and opened my eyes… noticed my fingernails were placed inches away from where she was in the screen… and I felt even more disgusted!!! I almost broke my laptop. The reaction felt delayed too even though everything happened in a quick second. The worst feeling is that felt planned, I think it was planned… so it’s a confusing feeling. It felt like my fingers were placed at her chest and I placed that image in my head but when I opened after being disgusted with that thought. I feel relieved and also… disappointment, but mainly disgusted because it wasn’t my intention when I decided to cover the screen. I tried to redo the action but it didn’t work because it felt uncomfortable and experienced a unwanted groinal response. I hope I’m not rambling to y’all. So I end this by asking was that me fantasizing or forcing an intrusive thought? I know it was an adult, and I tried to tell myself that and everything is all good… but whenever I assume the worst, the thought of a kid/teen pops out… even when it’s not there in the intrusive thought, it’s still there, if that makes sense.