- Date posted
- 1y
need help/advice
for almost a year now i started experiencing very intense emotions and became very self aware, already struggling with bipolar, i became very confused. i want to isolate myself all the time, it feels comfortable. i overthink so intensely and its absolutely impossible to feel like a person. my overthinking looks like this: “i had breakfast and because i had breakfast im gonna be bloated and because im bloated i cant wear the outfit i picked out but i dont have another outfit so now im gonna start getting stressed out and now i dont wanna go to school, i hate school. i want to get in bed.” at this point im so emotional and irritated and i feel hopeless when this happens. im very big on having my mornings go by my perfect routine and on certain times. time is a huge thing ive been struggling with as well. one night i told myself i would go inside and lay down by 10:30, i came inside at 10:42 and when i realized that i started to feel very stressed and overwhelmed. i was very upset with myself because of this. another example is, i wake up at 6:15 everyday and right as i wake up i brush my hair and get in the shower, but it HAS to be at 6:15-6:20 if i get in the shower at 6:25-6:30 i have completely ruined my day and in my head, this day is gonna be horrible because i couldnt even get in the shower on time. this part is a little more dark so read as you can but just a couple of weeks ago i attempted suicide. i overdosed on my buspirone on a friday morning. those 2 weeks prior i was having heavyyy suicidal thoughts that would build up as the days progressed. by the thursday night(before the attempt) my thoughts turned into urges but i didnt wanna stay up to late because i had school (and i have to be asleep by 11pm or i, again, feel very stressed and overwhelmed) so i had went to sleep instead but then woke up friday morning feeling very emotional and depressed still. i have SEVERE impulsivity issues and alot of the times just react. so i just went for it. i see a therapist and when i told her what had happened she saw it as something that could potentially turn into a cycle such as: thoughts but no urges > thoughts turn into urges > urges become impulsive actions > i react > no more bad thoughts. im struggling so bad right now and im very confused and i feel like something is so deeply wrong with me if you can relate please make me feel a little sane. i need to know im not the only one who experiences this. i feel very alone