I want to own up to r*pe, I feel as though I done it walking home very intoxicated been over a year and still struggling been diagnosed with depression and always had ocd as a kid but thought i got over it because Ive never had a OCD diagnosis
Have you seen a therapist yet? You say you feel as if you done it. Not 100% sure. Therapy is the next step
@Invalid I feel certain over time I did do it, I had fear and anxiety the day after it whole, spent countless hours trying to figure it now I feel I done it for definite I’m scared
Feeling the need to confess can be a compulsion from OCD, man. Even things we haven't done, OCD will tell us we did, we wanted to, and we should turn ourselves in because we're awful. Remember that. Thoughts and feelings are all inside our head. That doesn't make them real. I think you should speak to a professional and go over your worries. A therapist can help you with any and all thoughts. I can't tell you whether you've actually done anything or not; but I can tell you that ruminating and trying to figure it out won't help. Confessing won't help. I know you feel hopeless, but don't be. It will be okay. You aren't alone, and you're not the first person with this worry. Life will go on, and you will come out of this episode better than before.
@MNguy Thankyou it just seems I definitely done it, nothings came of it and everyone’s telling me to move on but it don’t work
@ Anonymous You have to keep in mind that you wrote this on a forum for ocd, which says some part of you knows where this is coming from
@Mowgli I’m only putting it on here because a lot are suggesting it’s OCD, the only reason I’m still alive is because nothing’s came of it, I’m confused
@ Anonymous Look at the facts (not what ur brain is telling you) a lot of people are suggesting it’s ocd, nothings come of it, and you’ve agreed somewhat by posting on here. And yes ocd is very confusing. If you were an outsider and you could bet money on which it was, where would you place your money?
@Mowgli Guilty for both myself and other oeople
Therapy
@Invalid I’m done, I’m guilty I can’t go on
@ Anonymous OK, so I'm assuming you're the same person as I've been responding to for a while. Reassurance seeking is a compulsion and o refuse to do it. You've done it with your friends and other people. Has that brought you peace of mind? No. It never will either. Ocd offers you stuff like leading you a mouse to a trap with crumbs, you'll never get what you want and if you give into these compulsions you may well end up somewhere you don't actually belong. So I will be as blunt as I can be. What you've done, has no worked. Reasearch ocd and reassurance seeking and false memory ocd. Look up YouTube channel ocdandanxiety, there's lots of valuable info on there. I believe with your current mindset that you will not get better until you get therapy. Of anything it may get worse. I almost felt like I killed my brother when I was 6. so yeh this crap sucks but trust me therapy will help. If what you're doing has not worked why not try something new. You obviously want to get better as you do seek reassurance but youre afraid and I understand that. So every time from now on I see you post I will respond with "therapy" and nothing else. I will not reassure. Get an ocd therapist specialist. When I've asked of you've looked you avoided the question. Do it and thank yourself later Therapy
@Invalid Thanks for your reply, but under the influence of alcohol everyone’s else’s story is not with alcohol, it’s making it 10x worse
@ Anonymous You're not wrong. Everyones story is different. Why should that stop you from getting better
@ Anonymous Work on the ocd, everything else will fall into place after
@Mowgli Agreed
@Invalid Yup, I’ve tried the other way round, nothing worked. I’ve had ocd since around age 7, didn’t find out I had ocd till I was 50, so around 43 years of various groups and therapies, 12 step groups, NA, AA, bipolar groups, transactional analysis, adhd meds, psychotic meds, just to name a very small few, list goes on. Nothing worked, now working on OCD everything is finally clearer, looking back is like scoops doo, it was that damn ocd all along
@Mowgli Had a similar thing for about 27 years. Started when I was 6. Looking for the answer for so long and finally got one with ocd
@Invalid Trying to work on oneself without knowing it’s ocd is real hell eh, just to name one….. I went to narcotics anonymous for decades, a lot of the descriptions they give for addiction sounds like ocd, so I was like yea, I’m an addict, that’s my only problem. I would go to meetings, share (to get reassurance) and vigorously (obsessively) work on the steps thinking it will eventually get better, I just got worse and worse, and look around at everyone who seemed to be getting better/happier
@Mowgli Hell is one way I see ocd. There's literally movies and books that desrcribe hell exactly like ocd. Trying to get better not knowing it was ocd I think is nearly impossible. I thought I had an "addictive personality" for years
@Invalid Yes, and me. The problem was often that the ocd would mimic the thing I thought I had, addiction, adhd, bipolar, I would obsess over it obv and it would magnify
@Invalid Thank fuck I know what it is now…. Imagine having ocd and living 100 years ago, early death for me certainly
@Mowgli Same. Thought I had addiction, bipolar, schizophrenia, personality disorders, straight up delusional, adhd, add. It's mental how there's a lack of awareness for ocd. It's getting better though
@Mowgli Do you think it maybe an alcohol issue because i was heavily intoxicated and after that night just kept drinking to blackout, i fear before i touch a drink
@Invalid More chance of doing stupid stuff intoxicated, more chance of doing something and not think of the consequences
@ Anonymous How was your search for therapy gone so far?
@ Anonymous Sorry, I don’t understand what you are asking, can you rephrase the question
@Mowgli Yeah sorry my bad wasn’t worded correctly, u mentioned AA etc. since this night it’s made my alcohol problem a lot worse, I fear before touching the stuff and I just drink to blackout it’s my only release for a night to forget about this rape thing, do you think in your time at AA this may be linked to a alcohol problem?
@Invalid No one local going to look online for a few, did you do yours through the app or in person ?
@ Anonymous I did mine online
@ Anonymous I think you’re using alcohol to quiet the ocd brain, very common, and it’s how I can use alcohol. It’s just at the moment your ocd is saying rape, forget the theme. It’s just ocd
@ Anonymous I did mine through this app
@Mowgli Thankyou you’ve been a great help🙌
They don't have to be local, you can get a therapist on the other side of the country if they do zoom or webcam therapy sessions. Don't limit you're to local therapists
Tw Ocd has always manifested itself in different forms in my life. The fact that this memory came to me literally destroyed 4 months of my life with constant doubt, fear, guilt, the desire to commit suicide. Living with this fear for 4. Months wondering if I really did it? If it really happened and I really SA’d this person or it really happened and the ocd is trying to make me look like the wrong person? The fact that the old things I did when I was little are coming back makes me even more scared. Sometimes, I tell myself, what if I really didn't have the ocd and I'd just really done it? I talk about this event as if I'd really done it when, I don't even know if it's true or not and that scares me even more because I tell myself that if I talk about it as if I'd really done it, well maybe I really did it? I live with this enormous fear of having done it and of being seen everywhere as someone who has committed a cocsa . My ocd deteriorates at night with suicidal crises. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or judge me. I'm always afraid of tomorrow, I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up with a heavy heart and the fear that I've done it, I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding out that I've really done it, like why can't I trust my brain? Why can't I remember? And even though I know I didn't do it or I'm certain of it (I prayed for it and I received a wave of peace), I'll always have this doubt in my head and it will come back even worse . Every time I hear the words rape, assault, violence, I feel so bad and I feel targeted, if it's triggering me and I feel bad and I wonder if it has anything to do with my memory or if it means that I really did it. I'm French and I don't know if the psychiatrists here know this subtype. I'm afraid that my psychiatrist won't know and will judge me.
TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.
Huge tw I’m so scared I’m a r*pist people have told me I am. I wanted to lose my virginity when I was 19 I felt embarrassed and ashamed I hadn’t. I decided to get drunk and find someone in a club to lose it to. I don’t remember much other than I was happy it was finally happening and remember thinking my plan had worked. I was told by friends that the other person was drunk and possibly on drugs. I must be a r*pist as I knew what I was doing and instigated it, I took advantage and used someone. I feel sick and don’t deserve to move on I can’t even apologies as it was a complete stranger what if they’re living with trauma because of me.
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